A
female
age
36-40,
*inkcherry
writes:I've been in this ambiguous relationship with a visiting prof in my school for a couple of months (I'm no longer taking any classes from him and would probably not be doing so in the future), and it's really kinda tormenting because I don't know how serious he is about me. He's explicitly said that he likes me, and on several occasions, told me that he's "in love" with me. We've shared hugs and kisses, and even held hands during the 2 dates that we had. I know I like him because of his passion for his area of specialty, for his wits, for his ability to hold intellectual conversations - ok, I know any other profs probably possess these traits as well. But there's also this indescribable attraction I have toward him - his charm and his gaze just never fail to melt my heart. And he confessed that he finds me beautiful (in his words) and that he "wants" me. But he said that he's attracted me because he feels that I'm smart and hardworking (which I believe can be applied to any grad students as well!) So I guess we share some sort of chemistry? The kind of mutual attraction, the kind of sparks that usually happen in romantic relationships? We've IM-ed for 5 to 6 hours straight at night (all the way to the morning) about how we feel about each other, about love, about life, about the future, and even saw each other on webcam several times.Initially I thought it'd kinda hard for this to work out, so I just told myself to enjoy it while it last. Then one day, he told me over an IM session that he doesn't was us to be just a "fling". I didn't want it either, but I'm really not sure how we're gonna make it work. We're meeting each other (in school) at least once every week, even if it's just for 5 minutes, just so we can see each other. As a background, I'm a grad student, and he's 5 yrs older than me and just gotten his doctorate a couple of years ago. We're not from the same country, and we're of different ethnicity and religions. I'm a Chinese and he's a Caucasian, I'm from southeast Asia, he's from America. As you can see, there's so much differences between us, culture, status, and probably even values. We don't even share the same media consumption habits! He's asked me on several occasions if we're similar enough - and I replied by saying that I don't think our differences in experiences and cultures is a bad thing, for I'd love to learn more about his culture and see the world in different perspectives. And he sort of agreed with my views. His main concerns were really: 1) our difference in status in school - I'll only graduate mid of next year, so if we do get together, it's gotta be really secretive (and he asked if I'm *really* ok with that), and we have to figure out a way how to continue seeing each other in that light.2) our differences in cultural backgrounds and valuesRecently I was talking to him on my intention to pursue a doctoral degree after I'm done with my current program, and I said something like "I guess if I can't get into a doctoral program, I'd just find a job and get on with life... If I don't get accepted into any of these programs, would you still like me?", and to that, he replied "well if you marry me, you won't have to worry about working because you'll be staying at home with the kids." I just shook my head and said "no!!!" I mean, what else could I say? I just wanna dismiss this as a casual remark, as a joke or something, since we're not even in a "steady" boyfriend-girlfriend type of relationship yet. But I just can't stop thinking about what he said. Does he really have the intention to get into a serious relationship with me?And for the record, I'm ending my 4 yr plus relationship with a bf because this new guy made me realize what I really want in a man, in a future husband. And when I first got together with this bf, I didn't think intellectual compatibility would pose such a great problem for me. We no longer operate on the same wavelengths! And this is terrible!So my major questions are:1) Is this new guy serious about me? Is he serious about getting into a relationship with me?2) Will it work out despite our ethnic and cultural differences?3) Does the fact that he's a prof and I'm a student make any difference to the analysis of this relationship?4) Should I even take the (ex) bf (for the lack of a better term) into consideration when addressing this issue?Sorry for such a long-winded post. I really don't know how else I could relate this story of mine in a comprehensive manner.Thanks in advance :)
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reader, pinkcherry +, writes (27 January 2010):
pinkcherry is verified as being by the original poster of the questionrhythmandblues2:
Thank you for taking the time to respond again :)
What you said really made sense and kinda confirm my suspicion about his intentions... I'm rather disturbed by the dissonance between his actions and words - like, how could he be really serious about me when we don't meet up that frequently? He always says it's because he's "nervous" about how he should deal with it because our school has very conservative policies about teacher-student amorous relationship, and that serves to confuse me with the mixed signals he's giving out :(
and this: "he is building anticipation and even frustrating you by being so unavailable" - I get this feeling actually!
And now that you've mentioned, the part about him thinking that Asians are more subservient might be true too!
I guess since he's not contacting me that frequently, probably I shall just stop initiating interactions and see how he's gonna react...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2010): OK so for four months our "relationship" has not progressed past online contact except for two short dates?
You stated he is attracted to you because he feels you are hard working and smart. That doesn't sound to me he is telling you how he feels about you, but what he thinks about you, two different things.
It still doesn't change my opinion about how fast he is moving the relationship when he says things like when you are married to me you won't work you will stay home with the kids. He is still "rushing" you in before you have time to figure out his agenda.
What would concern me if I were you are a few things.
If a man is really interested in a woman, interested in having a serious relationship with her, he will not rely on IM and emails and web cam to communicate with her, he would not be satisfied with 5 minute visits a few days a week and he would be asking you out for a Long date a couple of nights a week at the very least, not twice in 4 months. And he would not be afraid to date a student that isn't his student.
Another thing that concerns me for you is that you are Asian, and he being a white dude made the comment about how you would be staying home with the kids and not working.
It is a stereotype, but many American white men have the belief that Asian women are willing to be subservient to a man, and more cooperative, demure. This represents his values as being the dominant one in the relationship and could be a sign that he is a controller.
I think he is building up your trust in him by communicating about life, love, values and future because you are feeding this information to him in the form of on line communication, which gives him time to think and respond to fit to you without the benefit of his expressions and body language that would possibly be giving him away. I think him saying that he doesn't want you to be a fling is another tip that is in fact what he does want, and he is trying to reassure you so you will become sexual with him. Most men who are interested in you don't have to say this, they show you through their actions.
I think he is possibly even hiding his involvement with another girlfriend, he is keeping himself separate from you with the way he is handling your communications, and your brief visits. He is just biding his time until you make the first move sexually...he is building anticipation and even frustrating you by being so unavailable.
Personally, I would run a mile.
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A
female
reader, pinkcherry +, writes (26 January 2010):
pinkcherry is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHmm... I'm quite surprised that you ladies think that he's progressing too "fast", when in fact, we haven't really been seeing each other that much (from Oct when it all started till now) - most of our interactions take place online, and on occasions when we do see each other (apart from the 2 super short dates), it's usually just a few minutes of "hi, how are you" thingy in school, since we're both busy with our own work. I don't wanna come across as sounding like I'm defending him, but I guess it's only fair for to make it known that he isn't all that "intense" (as described by the links supplied by rhythmandblues2) - in fact he said he isn't quite sure how to handle such a (teacher-student) relationship, that's why he's taking it slowly. I'd say this is considered one of the slowest relationship progression that I've ever had (yes, I have to admit that several of my past fleeting relationships ended very soon because they progressed way too fast). I think I'm the "intense" one here, and probably scaring him quite a bit :(
As for the other guy, I'd say it was more of us wanting a companion to hang out with and do stuff together - pretty innocent stuff with no hidden agenda. But while I find him pleasant, I don't feel the kind of special feeling of wanting to live the rest of my life with him :(
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2010): Two months, two dates, and he is already in love? Already planning your future as a stay at home mother? Come on, take he love goggles off, you are infatuated and you are not seeing this guy clearly. You also have your own issues if you feel the urge to end one relationship for another without taking a pause to be on your own. This smacks of dependency, and is one of the reasons you are an easy mark for a guy like this one.http://www.ehow.com/how_2086168_spot-relationship-red-flags.htmlhttp://www.womansavers.com/relationship_red_flags.asp
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A
female
reader, pinkcherry +, writes (26 January 2010):
pinkcherry is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your reply :)
Well, rationally thinking, I really am not convinced about the stuff he said to me. But my emotions tend to get the better of me at times. I just can't get him out of my mind!
How do you tell when someone's a player? What are the signs? Do relationships with inherent "inequality in power" such as teacher-student relationship usually not work out? I'm so confused :(
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