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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I have a daughter who will soon become a teenager. (they grow up sooo fast!). My sister commented that we'll soon have some dating-drama in the house. Which made me think of my teenage and young adult years. What would I do as a mother if my daughter at some point wanted to date a much older guy?How would you characterize a relationship between a 19 year old girl and a 33 year old man?My mother raised me, she was there for me, supported me and when it came to my love life she pretty much stayed out of my business, waiting for me to come to her. She knew well my long-term bfs, except one. The 33 year old I dated for about a year, just before I turned 20 until I was 21.He was divorced with a kid.I don't know what would have happened to us had I been a older, at least if I had finished my studies, or had he not moved for work to another continent. He was gentile and caring, I felt loved and loved him. But, being older he did see things I couldn't, understand them and could anticipate more. I never felt manipulated, but then again, how would I know? Now that my husband and I are in our mid-thirties, I started to wonder. I work with young people in their twenties and I really think of them as kids (not in a demeaning way). I could never be interested in that way in any of them. There's a world of difference between us. I know that it is different for men. Projecting in my daughter's future I was somewhat pondering over my own past. I feel that I wouldn't be comfortable with my daughter dating a so much older guy. I would probably think of him as predatory, manipulative, unable to have a relationship with a women his age (or a bit younger). Is this motherhood talking or would I possibly change my mind as I grew older anyhow? I know that we shouldn't generalize, that so much depends on people involved, but still I cannot help but wonder...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2017): When I was twenty I had a five year relationship with a separated man who was eighteen years older than me. My mother and father never said a word to me, but they were always there.There was no need for them to worry as it turned out as I was the one with the power in the relationship. He was mad about me and I enjoyed his company and we got on really well enjoying the same interests, walking and antique fairs. He was very good to me, cooked every day when we lived together etc. The thing is, I was happy and my parents could see that.Take your cue from her if this does ever happen. If she seems happy, then, well, it's her life. If she isn't happy then you'll be able to tell and then it's a question of talking to her and being there for her.I have to say that I am so impressed with how my parents raised my sisters and I. Looking back now I am in my fifties I realise how they just let us get on with our lives and they never judged or interfered, but were just always there for us if we needed them. I think it takes some bottle to do that, but when all's said and done,if she's old enough then it is her life.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (15 December 2017):
 I have 3 teenage daughters so I get the whole train of thought. All I can say is TALK to her, be open to listening to her (and TRY not to judge too harshly but give her advice that can help HER make the best choices for her).
Not all older guys are just waiting to take advantage. Some are just a bit immature, some think that a younger girl is less drama or has less baggage or whatnot.
Personally? If any of my daughters ran into a MUCH older man I'd be pretty skeptical (and I have not dated guy much older than myself) - I would reserve judgment. Thankfully... I can point out a LOT of things to my daughter that we see with my nieces (my brother-in-law kid's) that stand as examples of what NOT to do.
My kids share a lot, they ask a lot even if we don't always agree. All you can do as a parent is HOPE that you have given then enough tools (and know-how on how to use common sense).
Worrying about what if's is not going to help either of you. So be open to listening.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 December 2017):
 I get what you mean, I often have these "thought games" myself and ask myself what I would have done had I been my own mother in this and that circumstance. What I always conclude with, after giving it thought, is that you can not even generalize.
You can not take your daughter and hypotethically make her 19, is she's not even turned 13 yet. You have no idea still, who she will be at 19. How she will behave. What type of person she will become, what level of maturity or trustworthiness she will have. And, you don't know all 33 year old men in the world. Some for sure are manipulative assholes who are predatory in their mind and go after so much younger women because they can control them. Som eare decent guys who just happen to fall in love. It happens. It happened to you.
What is important here is that you never judge her based on yourself. And by that I mean that you need to take her word for it. I grew up experiencing problems when my mother would not take my side, or support me, when a much older man (family friend) would make a move on me when I was 15, he trapped me in the bathroom and felt me up and also tried to enter my bedroom at night, but I had the lock on, luckily. When I told my mother, she said I must have flirted with him and that I brought this upon myself. Because when SHE was young, this is what she did, she would flirt with much older men and go to bed with them, and didn't see it as anything wrong. She grew up believing that if you flirt, then you have to agree to anything that follows. It's what she was taught, it's how she lives as young woman. Yes, she was raped, but she never wants to admit it, she always says it was her own free will. So she judged me by her own "standard" and it actually ended up with me having to move out of home at 15 partially because I couldn't stay at home when this "family friend" would visit.
My point is that, even if you made a free choice to date a 33 year old when you were 19, and he was sweet and kind to you, your daughter may have a different experience. So take her word for it when she shares anything with you, and take her side. And if the guy she dates is sweet and kind, but maybe he is 43 years old, then take her word for it then too. After all, at 19, she is adult and should be free to make her own choices in life, mistakes included. Just support her and don't judge her and trust the things she tells you. Otherwise you will just push her away and she will not confide anything in you.
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse  +, writes (15 December 2017):
I think you're right to be skeptical. There is too much power ceded to the older party in these relationships. This isn't to say they are being abused or mistreated but there is something a little off. It could be just youth that is attractive to older guys but I'm inclined to think it's the uncomplicatedness- women who have never been screwed over by other guys, who aren't going to want to settle down, who will take what they say at face value. Which is basically laziness. Or guys who can't keep up with fully grown women. It can be a reas on able experience for a younger woman, but I guess it just might be a training relationship where you eventually see that he is a bit inadequate as a partner. I don't say this to demean those who have had these relationships- at university I went out with a 19 year old when I was 27- which I reasoned was okay because I was at university with her hence a peer, and we are still great friends now fifteen years later and married to our respective partners.
Ultimately you can be as skeptical as you like but as you were, she will be an adult and will likely do what she wants,which will include making her own mistakes. All you can do is hope you taught her enough self respect to know what is good for her.
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