A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm getting married this summer to a wonderful guy that I care for very much, but after three years, as much as I try, I still can't move completely on from my online friend. Our online friendship started out with us both meeting and talking constantly via messnger which quickly progressed to the phone,exchanging photos and then to an intense web cam sexual relationship. At the time he had given me a link of a website he was working on and I think he must have forgotten he had given it to me because a few weeks later I discovered lots of pictures of him with his wife and children. I was really angry and confronted him about it but he said they were not together anymore and said they were just old photos he had put up for his mum to see, but why not just send them to her email?? He said he didnt tell me he had children when we first met because he thought that a beautiful young woman like myself wouldnt be interested in him. When I planned to fly out to see him though, he suddenly said that he was going to be out of town which I thought was odd after months of pursuing me endlessly online. Surely he would cancel for the girl he claims to be so crayzzy about?? He disappeared suddenly last year for 6 months and I emailed him asking where he had gone and instead of a straight answer he sent me an email saying 'I love and miss you always remember that'. I was deeply hurt that he didnt call to explain why he had left so suddenly. But now hes back in my life again claiming that he had no internet. He wants to drive up and see me, claiming now that he was just afraid at the time that if I saw him I would not like him anymore. It couldnt come at a worse time! Hes never given me a solid address or phone number nor ever invited me to stay at his house, yet I know his friends know about me. Do you think this odd behaviour means that he is probably still married? Should I just meet him on a 'friend' term basis? Or will this just make things worse? Sometimes I think I will never be rid of his ghost. I'm really happy with my fiance but hes still always there lingering in the back of my mind. I long to meet him just to 'know' but the last thing I want to do is betray my fiance whom I respect very much. I dont want to lose either of them but I know I cant have them both and its eating me up inside. Any help or suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks so much for your time x x x
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (7 March 2007):
 It's too bad you only told half the story when you first wrote for advice. You secondary reply gave lots of additional information.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2007): Thankyou for all your helpful comments so far, even the harsh ones. Its really helped me hearing points of view from people who do not know me personally, as I think my friends just tell me what I want to hear rather than the truth as they are worried about offending me, so for that I am really grateful. I haven't participated in cyber sexual activity with this internet man though since me and my fiancee became really serious and planned to marry. I'm not excusing my behaviour though as I know just having feelings for someone else and talking to them still is bad enough. I only see my fiancee three times a year as he is from another country. The reason he wants us to marry is so we can spend proper time together for the first time rather than commuting overseas which costs alot of money. Thankyou for confirming this other online guys behaviour is weird though. Its helped me to see how much of a fool I am being and what I stand to lose.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2007): This internet guy lied to you about his marriage. He clearly is still with his wife. There's no future in it for you, and you have to recognize that if you are serious about your relationship with your fiancee and moving on to your wedding. Why would you want such a deceitful, lying jerk in your life? Not that you can really have him, in any case.Truth is, you should have let it go when you didn't hear from him for six months.If you cannot let it go now, you should seriously consider putting off getting married. Not fair to your fiance.As Jovial says, this is a disaster waiting to happen.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2007): Hun, you know nothing about this online guy except all that he has told you. He is lonely for female fantasy and fun..that's all it is to him. He could be married, still, raising a family and the wife is none the wiser. Get rid of the online guy and tell your fiancee what you have been doing. He deserves to know. He is ready to sign up for a future with you and build a life with you. You are not thinking beyond the present moment here and you stand to blow up your life and other people's lives, all due to unthinking behaviour based on your lust, infatuation for some guy you have never met! You are clearly are not ready to get married. So much necessary growth and maturity must take place within you before such an important life decision as getting married, is done. With maturity you learn to make the best of challenges, like when other people threaten your love for another, like this online man is doing. Without that maturity and a big shot of selfishness thrown in, you look to fantasize about some online guy you have never even met and you forget your committment to the man who wants to marry you. Without maturity and morals, you look for better ways to feel better, getting your goodies not now-but right now---rather than making things better between you and your fiancee.. You are more concerned about this online guy than him! I have to state, that your behaviour is deeply inappropriate for an engaged woman. That should've been obvious to you, right from the beginning. You have a fiancee and the thought of betraying him should have tore you in two, just thinking about having a fling behind his back. But you did it, anyways. Your behaviours are determining your behaviours here, dear. How can you state you are happy with your fiancee, but how can you say that? How can you say you care for your fiancee when you know, that your actions could bring him pain, uncertainty and insult? Love should be an action based on conviction and committment. You are simply sexually drawn to this online guy...and you are mistaking that feeling and your fantasies for love. Tell your fiancee and let him decide if he still wants to marry you. The least you can do for him, is be respectful, decent and...truthful. And stop this clamdestine affair with this online man. All that is based on is fantasy and it's so selfish and very ego driven. No matter how you spin it, dear...what you have done is self serving and very, very wrong.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (6 March 2007):
DO NOT get married. You do not care about your fiancee at all. All you care about is this other guy and your dirty games. Are you serious? You're exchanging pictures of penis's and vaginas with a stranger while planning your wedding. That's charming.
Why do you care if he's married? You're a disaster right now. Do your fiancee a favour and tell him you'd rather exchange dirty pictures with the phantom than marry him.
The fact that you feel "hurt" only proves how far off the mark your thinking has become. Why are you hurting and IMAGINE how HURT your fiancee would be if he saw the nasty pictures you were sending this other married man. You spreading your stuff out in front of a camera for the world to see.
Hoe could you meet him on a friend basis? Are you seeing how rottenthis all sounds? What a sad life your fiancee has ahead.
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A
female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (6 March 2007):
 hi
i guess you know the solution to this, do not get married to your fiance whilst still inlove with the other guy it will be unfair and cruel to him. the bottom line is you cant have them both which you have to let go of the other. maybe speak to this mystry guy tell him how you feel and that you have moved on that is if u are keeping the fiance, if i were you i would keep the fiance aas he is the one i really know, the online guy kept lying to you is this the kind of man you want to end up with? how do you know if its true he doesnt have that internet? do you think being friend with a man you are struggling to delete in your mind will help in any way? i dont know about you but he sound very dodgy for a single man to me.
at the same time dont keep stringing your fiance along when you know your heart is with the other guy because a loveless marriage will be a disaster waiting to happen. good luck.
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