A
female
age
51-59,
*uz72
writes:I've been with a lovely man for 2 years who has been wonderful to me, including inviting my criminal son to stay with him when he was released from prison. Even when my son stole from him he didn't reject me ( but did quite rightly kick my son out). We have a great and lively sex life, and we love dancing together. We were due to get married in december 2014, but I discovered in october 2014 that he'd been ' sexting' several women, including exes and women that he saw regularly at a dance class we both go to. He had previously told me that he was unfaithful through most of his previous marriage, which set my alarm bells ringing. I called off the wedding but we're still together - he has since said and done everything I'd want him to do - showing me phone bills etc and I think he was genuinely devastated when he thought I would leave him. His explanation for his behaviour was that it was boredom - he has a job where he spends many hours doing nothing - and that it meant nothing to him. He says he hasn't actually been unfaithful to me, but he does appreciate that his behaviour is unfaithful of sorts and that he would be devastated if I had done that. My problem is that his behaviour has ruined our sex life and my trust in him - and our dancing together too. I find myself panicking over small things, like if he has a shave unexpectedly and i am suffering from anxiety. I keep asking myself, is this man capable of being faithful? Why wouldn't he have been unfaithful to me, if that is his past pattern? Am I kidding myself that this leopard has changed his spots and should I leave him now, even though he is perfect in every other way? Should I give him the chance to prove he can be faithful?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (3 March 2015):
 He's already been unfaithful. IF he defines cheating as putting his penis in another woman, then you have an issue.
Emotional cheating is still cheating. Sexting is still cheating.
he has proved he CAN'T be faithful.
will you EVER trust him?
if not why even bother to stay with him?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2015): I doubt he will change. End the relationship and move on. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (2 March 2015):
 IF you feel even a teeny-bit uncomfortable that he can be faithful... THEN, go no further in your "relationship" until that discomfort is assuaged.....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2015): NO you cannot trust him. Not now. Not ever.
Your guard is up and so is your anxiety and for good reason. Your gut is telling you this relationship is a bad investment for your heart. Deep down you do know this but your mind is fighting with your heart. Your heart says "I love him" and "I want him in my life so I need to trust him". But your head says "He cannot be trusted", "I would be a fool to trust him" and "I need to let him go". So that is your battle. Only you can make that choice. He is going to say and do whatever it takes to keep you. Whether he is telling you the truth of not. Likely he will tell you lies to keep you. Embellish the truth to suit his own needs. He will do whatever it takes to keep you. But remember this is not love. This is a selfish man who is looking out for himself. One who cannot be faithful to one woman. And usually these people do not change. I could understand if there was one indiscretion during his marriage and maybe he realized it was a mistake. But from what you described, he cheated throughout the marriage and likely with multiple women. So if we are talking about a serial cheater, then no, he will not change. These men are addicted to the feeling. The feeling of excitement and being wanted. Not necessarily the sex. The sex is just a by product of being hooked on the attention. I believe that once they get too comfortable in a current relationship, they will begin to seek outside affirmation again. HE HAS ALREADY DONE THIS, by your own admission, in October of 2014. Now I am not sure what you are still doing with him after discovering something like that. He was UNFAITHFUL already by sexting all of these women. Exes AND women in dance class? SERIOUSLY? And what poor taste to sext women you BOTH know and see regularly! Talk about a slap in the face to you! Insult to injury! Bad enough he is a pathetic cheater but doing it right under your nose is beyond disrespectful. He has some serious internal issues. You cannot save him nor is it your job to do so. He deep down is very insecure and seems to feed off and be addicted to the attention of many women. Boosts his weak and fragile ego. Remember, a serial cheater has a problem. His addiction. And unless he gets professional help to understand what drives his behaviour, he will continue to do it. He only wants you because you are his security blanket. His permanent relationship. But make no mistake: he likes to have his FUN on the side. And he will. Do not think for a minute that sexting other women is not cheating. Nor is it acceptable. What happens with this behaviour is that it is an entry way into something more threatening to your relationship. It leads to physical cheating. If any of those women he was sweet talking by text gave him a green light, rest assured he would be in their pants no question. But maybe none had responded to his flirtations or so you think.... or just not yet. He is working on it though. Trust me, it is a matter of time.
Do you want to suffer like this? Waiting for him to cheat? If he has not already?
His past history speaks volumes. He is a serial cheater who gets off on it. He will not stop for you or anybody.
Don't you deserve a good guy who is committed to you and only you? Who does not cause you pain? Worry? Emotional torture?
I have a feeling this one is a charmer and perhaps the sex is pretty good. Sort of like a bad boy syndrome. Us women can really be drawn to those types. Like being addicted to a drug that is bad for us but makes us feel oh so good. Thinking the chemistry is amazing and of course all the bonding hormones going nuts after we have sex with the guy. But thinking rationally, what kind of a husband would he be? Not husband material at all.
I can tell you from my own experience that the anxiety and the worry is going to take a very big toll on your emotional health. The paranoia and worry will become so big that you will find yourself panicking over every little thing he does. It does not matter if he is behaving or not behaving. The fact is can you live with putting yourself through that kind of torture? Because it is TORTURE. Are you going to sit on eggshells, waiting until he does it to you? You are going to dissect all his actions, you are going to blow up at him over things that may or may not be suspicious. He will eventually get tired of the accusations and leave you. Your accusations in his own mind could give him justification to cheat. And if he does cheat, he may end up leaving you anyway for someone else. Either way, you are in a no win situation.
Save yourself a lot of pain. Find yourself a man you can trust. There is no relationship without TRUST.
Do not fool yourself into thinking you will ever be able to trust him. You won't.
If you could, you would not be coming here for advice.
Let him go.
You deserve PEACE OF MIND.
You deserve better.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (1 March 2015):
 Being unfaithful is a choice although it is up to debate. When he told you he was unfaithful before anyone would take it as alarm bells unless he explained how he had changed and why he does not feel a need to cheat anymore. Also what he would do with his boredom instead such as healthier hobbies. Just showing you phone bills is not convincing enough because that doesn't mean he can't cheat with someone at work. You can't monitor him 24 hours. It's unhealthy to be worrying about something that hasn't happened yet. As self preservation you should detach emotionally until he has shown you that the leopard has changed its spots. Also watch out because some men do get a kick out of making women insecure. It is a way for them to keep women on edge and at their best behavior. I think the reason for cheating is more than boredom. It's kind of a weak excuse. After all no one is going to admit they are doing this because they are addicted to attention and excitement. Either way it's hard to feel secure and let your guard down.
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