A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok, here's my problem. Is considering yourself heterosexual but having an inclination towards the same sex considered being gay? When I was a teen, I used to sneak into my brother's room to look at his porn magazines. Why? because the women I saw excited me. I used to get aroused by looking at them. Is that normal? Later in my college years I used to have curiosity towards other women, I was approached by some women but I never dared, not even imagined about being with them. Recently, I've dreamt of being intimate with other women, in fact I dreamt many times before and like it. I am very feminine looking, a divorced woman who wasn't really happy in the marriage. I am attracted to men but deep inside I am looking for another connection. I don't understand. My confusion increases when other women initiate in subtle ways towards me. For example, I have this neighbor who is really attractive. I saw her walking towards me, when I looked up she stuck her tongue out at me, looking straight at me. I thought, what the heck! I don't know what that really meant. Especially when it was done in an "erotic" way? Why would a sane grown woman stick her tongue at me? I am also having a co worker who seems to want my attention. The worst part is that I am going by it because it pleases me. Am I gay and don't realize it? If I am, coming out the closet would be extremely embarrassing for myself and my family. What is going on with me? I am attracted to men, I was in love with my ex, he trully attracted me, but deep inside....it didn't work out because I couldn't find a connection! Confused.
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male
reader, NightLad  +, writes (4 May 2009):
 Hi again,
Should you be embarrassed for how you feel? No. People don’t chose how they feel, so what is there to be embarrassed about? On the contrary, I think you should be proud of yourself for having the honesty and strength to face these feelings and the willingness to try to understand them; as opposed to repressing them, which is believe is wholly unhealthy.
I’d caution you to remember that, for now, your ideas on what you may or may not want to do about your feelings are founded in theory. IE: whether or not to tell others, how you would feel about doing so, etc. Basically, you are putting the cart before the horse. First work to understand these feelings and how they will relate to your life, and then worry about the bigger stuff. If you let yourself “over-think” this, you will only succeed in working yourself into a tizzy. ;) Baby-steps.
In addition to my previous comments I also suggest you rent some lesbian-themed movies. Nothing too heavy for now, maybe some comedies; something that shows a depiction of same-sex relationships without the emphasis on sex, drama, etc. Just people living their lives and having fun.
One of my favourite gay-themed movies, which also happens to be lesbian-themed, is “But I’m A Cheerleader!” Oh god, that movie cracks me up every time. I’ve also heard great things about “Out at the Wedding”, which has lesbian/gay themes.
The last movie I would recommend is a romantic-comedy and sounds like it may hold echoes of you own situation. It is called “Imagine Me & You”. The synopsis: “Flower shop owner Luce is gay. Newlywed Rachel is straight. The two meet at Rachel's wedding--Luce designed the floral arrangements--and feel an instant connection. Rachel brushes it off. After all, the charming Heck was her best friend long before he became her husband. Shortly after the ceremony, however, she begins to feel as if something is missing. She starts making excuses to see Luce...” Check it out at Amazon.com
In addition to Amazon.com (search “Lesbian”) you can find a lot of good gay/lesbian themed movies here: http://www.tlavideo.com/home/5-0_lesbian-dvd.html?sn=1 (use it like a library, and then rent the movies closer to home. A few of the movies are also available “on demand” so you can watch them directly at the site after paying the rental fee. You don’t even have to leave your house!) There are tons of excellent gay/lesbian moves out there. Check some out and see if they don’t help clarify some of your own feelings.
I hope this helps.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies. So I shouldn't be embarrassed for how I feel? I would like to liberate myself and give myself the ok and acceptance of what I feel. I have to confess that I do have the desire of experiencing an intimate relationship with a woman. But if I do, i would keep it as a secret just because of acceptance or embarrassment. I was always taught that a relationship should be among a man and a woman. Coming out of the norm is a bit difficult for me. Yes, I wondered if my personal and social difficulties arise from this. The question "who am I?" lingered. Nightlad, thanks for the info, I will look into links.
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A
male
reader, NightLad +, writes (3 May 2009):
Hi there,
Many people ask “am I gay?” because they’ve experienced a homoerotic dream or fantasy, or found themselves attracted to (crushing on) a member of the same sex, often for the first time in their lives. Typically the most direct answer I can offer is to quote the definition of Sexual Orientation from the American Psychiatric Association, which states:
“Sexual orientation refers to an enduring pattern of emotional, romantic, and/or sexual attractions to men, women, or both sexes. Sexual orientation also refers to a person’s sense of identity based on those attractions, related behaviors, and membership in a community of others who share those attractions.”*
I would not consider a dream or fantasy or even a first-time crush on the same-gender necessarily an indication of homo or bisexuality, because it is not an “established pattern.” It may even be fair to say that some straight people experience such things once in a blue moon over the course of their lives without it necessarily having anything to do with their sexuality.
However, if I am interpreting your personal history correctly, there does seem to be an established pattern of homo-inclined emotional, physical and sexual attraction.
For a further possible explanation of your experiences I will quote from another section of the APA’s statement on Sexual Orientation:
“Research over several decades has demonstrated that sexual orientation ranges along a continuum, from exclusive attraction to the other sex to exclusive attraction to the same sex. However, sexual orientation is usually discussed in terms of three categories: heterosexual (having emotional, romantic, or sexual attractions to members of the other sex), gay/lesbian (having emotional, romantic, or sexual attractions to members of one’s own sex), and bisexual (having emotional, romantic, or sexual attractions to both men and women).”*
The Kinsey Scale categorizes sexual orientation into a 6 point “range.” 0 represents 100% heterosexual (straight), 6 represents 100% homosexual (gay) and 1-5 represent different shades/variations of bisexual.**
I would suggest that although you may be attracted to men on an emotional/physical/sexual level, you may not necessarily be 100% heterosexual. Perhaps your sexuality would be better described as a 1 or even a 2 (even a 3) on the Kinsey Scale. You may be attracted to members of the same-sex, but to an exclusion of generality; meaning, the rare/occasional woman may also possess the qualities you find attractive and desirable. It is also possible that you are attracted to women more than you allow yourself to accept or believe. Only you can say for sure.
Sexual Orientation is a complex aspect of our identity. For some people it can take many years to truly understand. Along the way, feelings of confusion and even fear are not uncommon, but I also feel they should not be ignored. Although it can be uncomfortable to question such a personal aspect of oneself, it is inevitably the first step on the road to a happier and healthier life. If the feelings you’ve experienced all your life are true representations of a non-heterosexual aspect of your orientation than they aren’t going away. The dreams will continue, as will the feelings of attraction to other women. Denying and hiding from them will only compound the confusion and possibly impede the formation of open and healthy relationships in the future.
I do not feel it is necessary (or wise) for you to “come out” prior to understanding the nature of your sexuality. At this point, or until you enter into a same-sex relationship, it is safe to leave that heavy thought aside to be dealt with down the road. As hard as it may be, try not to let these feelings of confusion cause you to “over-think” them. Life is a journey, not a destination; there is no rush to fit yourself in any label right away.
Some would suggest you seek a therapist to discuss your feelings with. They can offer one-on-one real-life support that, for all the best intentions, you may not be able to find online. I would certainly agree.
However, I would also suggest that you not be afraid to explore, in the privacy of your own home, some of your curiosity. The internet is full of resources for bi-curious and gay people, from all walks of life and at all stages of their own understanding.
I suggest you start with the following resource:
http://www.bisexual.org/
I hope this helps!
* American Psychological Association’s statement on Sexual Orientation:
http://www.apa.org/topics/sorientation.html
** Kinsey Scale:
http://www.kinseyinstitute.org/resources/ak-hhscale.html
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