A
female
age
30-35,
*BQ_chicken
writes:I have been dating my boyfriend for about 4 months. Among the times that we have had sex, he has only cummed twice. Most of the time, half way through the act, he would complain that he is getting too hot or tired, and then he would stop. I have never talked to him about it, but I am starting to question if it has something to do with me. I have no problem getting him hard, and this has never happened before with my ex-boyfriend. So my question is, is it common among men to have sex and not cum?
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (13 April 2009):
 Alrighty then, that makes sense. The flashlight threw me for a loop, ha ha
A
male
reader, elnino3  +, writes (13 April 2009):
Lol, apologies i meant to write fleshlight!! Which is a male sex toy that imitates the feel of a vagina. Some sex councillors recommend using them for retarded ejaculation so i thought id give it a try.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (13 April 2009):
A flashlight, elnino3? I don't get it.
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A
male
reader, elnino3 +, writes (13 April 2009):
This is a great question, I personally had this problem when i first started having sex and occasionally after. I found that it was mainly due to the fact that i had been masturbating with my hand to pornography for so many years that the real thing felt so different that i couldn't cum, unless i pulled out and came over her using my hand!! Anyway, after some frustration i decided to try and I deal with this by buying a flash light and never using my hand or pornography to masturbate. This is mainly a behavioural technique but it may help. It also cropped up a couple of times during a relationship with a girl who i suspected was cheating on me which turned out to be true. I had not voiced these concerns with her and the lack of trust i suspect would have been the probable cause in this case. Im currently studying a masters in psychology and agree that there are a number of underlying psychological issues which have been pointed out previously. A more thorough understanding of the boy in question is needed before i can offer advice as it is a sensitive area.
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A
female
reader, need answers ! +, writes (7 December 2008):
Ok, here is my situation. My boyfriend and I have been together 9 months. He has never once cum through intercourse with me. He can make himself cum through masturbation, which he does extremely fast and grips his penis very hard. Having sex does not produce the same feeling because it is impossible for him to move his penis that fast inside me. He also has a lot of foreskin, and is thinking about getting circumsised to see if that helps.The problem for me is that he is in the army, we hardly see each other anyway, so when he is back I'm thinking he should be that pleased to see me that cumming happens naturally. It is so frustrating. We have tried lots of things and he can't do it. He says that he has had the same problem with ex girlfriends, but of course I have to just take his word for it. He used to watch a lot of porn, and also says he has stopped watching porn.When we have sex, he ends up masturbating himself next to me, I have to just watch, I cant touch him because he says it effects his flow. Which is obviously making me feel crap, like I'm not attractive. I cant make him cum from blowjobs or handjobs. I know it's not me tho because I have had past relationships when I have made all of my exs cum, and I also have 2 kids, so I know this problem is not common. I have been told I am a goodlooking girl, but I have my own insecurities ( I was anorexic).He says he wants to propose to me, and although I really love him, I am starting to think this relationship has no future. I feel so bad about this that sometimes I think about sleeping with another man, but then have a reality check because I would never cheat on him, I love him.I don't know what else to do. I feel like he is lying to me about the reasons why he can't cum. Other (male) friends have said they think he may be gay, and I am just a cover up for it. It's starting to really really affect my confidence, so much so, that I have convinced myself that I am ugly, fat etc etc. Please give me some suggestions. Am I wasting my time ?
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (9 November 2007):
 Apparently it's the third most common problem with men after impotence and premature ejaculation. I have the same problem, so i can give you advice from what i've learned by trying to overcome it.
The most common cause for this is psychological. This can for be for one of a few reasons:
- He has trouble 'letting go' and relaxing and being in the moment. He is enjoying sex but can't let go enough to be turned on enough to orgasm. He can be too 'in his head' and not enough 'in his body', which dulls emotions and feelings
- Repressed negative feelings about sex (that it's wrong, or dirty or whatever) can cause this. This is more common with people who are quite religious. This can come from growing up in a family where sex was a problem between the parents and the children picked up on that
- Performance anxiety can lead to general anxiety... that you are 'expected to orgasm' can cause enough anxiety to make it very difficult to. This is similar to impotence due to performance anxiety
- He could have repressed resentment and anger towards you, and this is a way of 'withholding'. This can be entirely subconscious, he may not know that he's doing this. If this is the case, you need to get to the bottom of where his resentment is coming from
- General sexual insecurity on his part can cause this, fear of 'being good enough for you' can interfere with getting aroused.
- Excessive use of pornography is a fairly common cause of this too. Porn can be like the 'crack-cocaine' of turning a man on, a 'real' woman can have a hard time being as arousing. The cure for this is simple at least: cut out all porn and the problem goes fairly fast, but a lot of men are unwilling to do this. This problem comes up fairly frequently here with younger guys, I think in those cases porn is the most likely candidate. The clues to that (if he won't admit to heavy porn use) is whether he has sex a bit like its a 'performance' and is preoccupied with positions, angles, and the physical aspect whilst being inaccessible from an emotional and intimacy stand-point.
Whichever it is (and it can be a combination of two or more of these things), its important that you don't see it as your fault, or let it be a reflection of your own sexuality and sexual appeal. It's really got nothing to do with you, other than its effecting you. Don't think there is something wrong with you because you can't make him come. Rather, know that he's the one preventing himself coming despite what you do.
I can reassure you that sex can be very enjoyable for him, even if he doesn't climax. You also might experiment with other ways for him to orgasm... for example I occasionally do orgasm through intercourse, but other things more 'effective', so we do those too. But it's different for everyone. It all depends on the root-causes.
If the causes are psychological (which is the most likely), then therapy is the answer for him, which is very difficult partly because he has to admit that he has a level of sexual disfunction. He's just making excuses about being tired etc to avoid having to face this.
Don't rule out physical causes, but if he can orgasm at all (eg by masturbating) then thats not the problem. You can eliminate that possibility very fast by asking him if he's able to orgasm by himself. He'll probably say yes, if he's honest.
Good luck. If you want to ask me any more about it please PM me here.
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A
female
reader, BBQ_chicken +, writes (9 November 2007):
BBQ_chicken is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the replies so far. Sometimes after he stopped half way through, he would resume the act, only to stop again shortly afterwards. I should also mention that I am one of those girls who has trouble getting orgasms through intercourse; I suspect this might have something to do with it. Anyway, this is frustrating me, and I have to say I am tempted to find another guy just to give my declining confidence in bed a boost. Another question I have is that can guys still enjoy sex even if the climax does not happen in the end?
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A
male
reader, chlez83  +, writes (9 November 2007):
As you've read from da rest,da dude either has a problem with his manhood or he's making up excuses but something you might not have guessed might be that he's too nervous for sex.I would also suggest you sexually starve him 4 a while and see how he performs next time.He may also be lacking confidence.Cheatiing on you?It's possible but don't rush into that conclusion.I also went through something like that.I'm sure with time you'll overcome these things.It also depends how much you love him.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (9 November 2007):
 Hi,
its not unheard of. But I would be more worried that he is complaining that he is tired half way through. If he's around the same age as you he shouldnt be.
So I wonder if its an excuse for something more serious.
Is he stressed at work or outside of work. Is he having health problems?
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A
female
reader, iwillhelp +, writes (9 November 2007):
 I would say he dont respect you i suggest you dont have sex for a while because in my own exsperiance i think hes ither cheating or he doesent get turned on by you so u make the choice because that aint normal.....email me if you need anything
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