A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:As much as I love my boyfriend, I've been very unhappy and paranoid lately. I hate to jump to conclusions and sound crazy but I have a gut feeling my boyfriend is cheating, or at the very least spending time and talking to another girl. The signs are definitely there. He has been acting different. Last weekend he had a 3 day weekend off work (something that rarely happens) and he promised we would spend some time together. We never did. He pretty much claimed he slept all night Friday and almost all day Saturday, and then had to help his dad with stuff Sunday. That's another thing, he sleeps a LOT, or at least that's what he says. His job is not very stressful or demanding, and his days off he sleeps the entire day, a lot of times 12+ hours. Another thing is that he's recently been making plans to hang out or call me, and then doesn't follow through with it and give weird excuses. This is something he never used to do. Last night he said he was going to face time with me for a while before he made dinner. He never did and the next morning he told me he had fallen asleep. A few days ago, we were on the phone and he said he would call me right back as he needed to do something quick, and then over 5 hours went by until I heard from him again. This is not something he does. But the thing is, the little time we do spend together is actually really good. He seems happy and interested when we are together, it's just for the most part he's been acting like I stated before. I don't get it. I've talked with him and he says everything is good and he's fine, but something doesn't sit well with me. Is this cheating type behavior? Or am I just being paranoid? I have a feeling he's been talking to another girl Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 May 2016):
 Is he cheating? Impossible to say.
Are you a priority to him? No, not at all.
Does he take you for granted? Yes, v
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I think what YOU need to do, is get back to ALL the activities you did before meeting him, hanging out with friend, hobbies, family - generally enjoying life WITHOUT him. *(Though, let's not be crazy... I'm not say you should date or have sex with anyone, OK?)*
It seems like you have at some point started to build your life around HIM, what HE wants, WHEN he can see you etc. And because you have ALWAYS been so available he is now thinking, well no matter WHAT I do, she will be there waiting for me, so what ELSE is out there I can do? Like hanging out with friends, chilling, get some me-time, sleeping etc.
This is what I would do (if you want to try and "rescue" this relationship or wanting to be sure if the relationship is dead:
1. stop making plans with him.
2. stop initiating making plans or contact.
3. start having a more active life on your own.
Why do I say this? Isn't it passive-aggressive behavior?
Well, let's start with #1
If he has cancelled plans a LOT lately with bogus, crappy excuses, no matter WHAT you say to him... that will not stop.
#2 If YOU are *always* the one who try and make plans, stop. And see if HE picks up the slack. Does he all of a sudden realize that wow I haven't seen my GF and spend time with her lately and I miss her... or does he do nothing? Now IF he contact you, be your own sweet self and answer (it's not a game of chicken where you now wait 5 hours to reply) Just don't be the one to CONSTANTLY reach out.
#3 MANY girls fall into this habit of adjusting their lives AROUND their man and HIS plans. And thus fall of the planet a bit when it comes to THEIR social life, friends, hobbies, family. Things that MAKES them happy. And then they want their BF to GIVE them that "happiness" since they gave it up for their man. Now this is NOT something a lot of women are aware off. IT just happens over time. And what YOU lose is a HUGE part of yourself. A VERY attractive part of yourself. Maybe even a part your BF used to REALLY like about you. And... IF this relationship is dead in the water or about to end. Reviving your OWN social life means... You are not stuck being sad and alone when.. it ends. And when I say social life, I'm not talking Facebook, Instagram.. but meeting up for lunch, brunch, drinks, girl's night out, movies etc.
OK so to answer the second part of the question... Is that not passive-aggressive behavior? No.
You are just making YOURSELF the priority of YOUR life, like he has made himself in HIS life.
You ALREADY had a talk with him, and he DISMISSED your feelings right off the bat, so "talking" is not going to do anything.
I am NOT telling you to "play" games with him either. But REFOCUS your life. Stop orbiting him.
If he DOES call to make plans, DO say yes, IF AND ONLY IF, you don't already have other plans. If you have other plans let him know what day will work for you instead.
Give it a good 30 days. See what happens. And at the end of that 30 days nothing has changed, maybe it's time that you ACCEPT that your BF's actions doesn't match his words. That his PROMISES are empty. And what does that mean? It means he probably wants out of the relationship, but doesn't want to dump you and be the bad guy.
So THEN... you have to decide, do I want to be with a guy who is all words no action? Or... am I wasting my time with this fella who isn't ONE bit invested in the relationship? Who makes me feel like an AFTERTHOUGHT more than a GF?
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