A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My love life seems to be drifting right now. I'm not sure what I want and when anyone tries to get too close, I back off. I'm wondering if this is just a phase... I seem to just want some positive attention from at least a few guys at a time right now, but nothing serious. I like the attention though, it makes me feel good about myself. About 8 months ago, I split up with my boyfriend of 3 years because he was jealous and controlling and would insult me because he was worried I'd leave him for someone else and he thought by making me feel bad about myself, I'd think no one else would ever want me. It worked for a while until I realised I didn't deserve this treatment. So now I'm wondering if the way I now shy away from commitment is just a normal phase or potentially a more permanent problem? I'm thinking I might just need the attention to build up my confidence again after being made to feel so bad about myself.
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confidence, jealous, shy, split up Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2009): I think you might want to seek some therapy, not because you don't sound OK to me, but because you went through a toxic relationship that damaged you in ways you probably don't even know, your self esteem, your trust and your trust in your own judgement has been compromised.
I think professional help for a short while might make you feel more confident within yourself instead of from outside sources. That is the problem, you don't need the attention of men to feel good about your self. You need to love yourself to attract a good and decent man who will be all about earning your trust and making you feel good about him.
Of course this isn't a permanent problem and you may be just fine working it out on your own, but you can probably feel better faster with a few sessions with a counselor.
It is great that you are getting out there and dating and that you are protecting yourself and not jumping right into another relationship, that right there tells me you have a healthy approach, you just need a little help getting over what your ex put you through emotionally.
Take care.
A
male
reader, 2old4this  +, writes (29 July 2009):
 you sound pretty ok to me. a three year relationship like you had takes time to get past. And going out to just feel good about yourself is fine, in fact I believe thats what you should do. Just try not to lead any guys on in to thinking you want more. We guys are not all bad, and we do have feelings. I think you are more causious is all. When the time is right you will meet the right guy as long as you put yourself out there. You will know.
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