A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need a little advice on a situation I'm facing. My best friend is this girl I met a few years back when I started a new job and she actually was the one that trained me. We instantly hit it off, but she was seeing someone at the time, so we just developed a close friendship.During our breaks from work, we would always have lunch together, or she would drag me shopping, etc. We never advanced anything, though, beyond friendship, as I completely respected her.Well she eventually went on to leave her boyfriend for another guy and moved to another state with him, and I went on to meet this other girl and we have been together for almost two years now. Anyway, with our brief history being summed up, I just had a little incident tonight that made me question her feelings for me, and I was hoping to get some good female advice on how to interpret it:Her boyfriend and her and a bunch of their friends are planning a beach trip for next month. She's been asking me nearly every day for a few weeks now if I was going to be able to come and that she'd never forgive me if I didn't go. But the thing is, my girlfriend has been trying to also take vacation time during that week, and was unsure as to whether or not she would actually get it. So I kept telling my best friend I was unsure what my plans were as I was unsure of my girlfriends. Well my girlfriend found out tonight she does in fact have the vacation time, and wants us to go somewhere together. Well my friend really cannot stand my girlfriend for her own personal reasons, so us together joining them isn't an option to her. So tonight I told her I was going to have to say no to joining the beach trip. Well she reacted in a way I was completely unprepared for.She first began by telling me that I always pick my girlfriend over her, and that she's become used to being second to her. And she brought up a time TWO YEARS AGO that I apparently blew her off on her birthday to go be with my girlfriend. And I honestly don't even REMEMBER this. That doesn't sound like something I would do, but apparently I did. And she brought it up tonight out of nowhere and made me feel terrible. She also said that she just feels numb by my rejection at this point, and that I never have time for her. And she even said she just wishes I were single like when we first met so I could just go back to the "'slutty' guy she fell in love with." I know she was trying to lighten the mood by saying 'slutty', but at the same time, she used the actual phrase "fell in love with." And I get the impression she was trying to come across as though she didn't mean it literally, but part of me was really taken aback by her reaction. Does this sound like a typical female reaction? Or is there something more to this? Advice on how to handle this please!
View related questions:
best friend, fell in love Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2011): lol she has feelings definitely id say or she wouldnt even care. She's trying to make you feel guilty when you shouldnt even be cause youre not with her! Dude youre with a girl right now therefore youre under no other obligation at all than to be with her and not your friend. Your friend will have to find a way to deal with her emotions and thats her own issue, not yours. She shouldnt drag you into it, respectively. Yeah book a vacay with your GF, head to Dubai lol and see the palm islands :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2011): It seems like she actually had feelings for you. I'm guessing there's probably stuff going on in her life you don't know about (yet)...perhaps things aren't going well with her boyfriend at the moment and she misses your companionship.
Perhaps she is in fact in love with you, but I also think she's being terribly immature and crossing a couple personal boundaries that most "best friends" would honor:
She tells you she cannot stand your girlfriend. No matter how much you dislike a close friend's partner, most good friends put aside their own misgivings about the partner with diplomacy or tact. They don't put down the partner if it's obvious their friend cares for them. And they don't make you walk on egg shells or worry about group dynamics because they simply "can't stand" somebody.
"She first began by telling me that I always pick my girlfriend over her, and that she's become used to being second to her." Well if you like your girlfriend, she should get used to being second. I think she needs to understand that.
"She also said that she just feels numb by my rejection at this point" Honestly, OP it just sounds like she's being emotionally manipulative and a drama queen.
Frankly, I wouldn't go to her event. If you're getting this much drama over the phone or via email, you'll get a lot more when you arrive.
Have you considered how awkward it might be to meet her boyfriend after these conversations? Have you wondered if she's just inviting you to make her boyfriend jealous or manipulate him otherwise? This invitation and the pressure she's putting on you sound like trouble. A real "friend" would invite both you and your girlfriend and wouldn't guilt trip you like this.
Have a good vacation with your girlfriend.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 April 2011):
 Typical female reaction. She feels you have neglected the friendship since you got into a relationship. She didn't bring the incident two years ago out of nowhere! She brought it up because now she feels neglected, and back then she felt neglected by you too. That is the connection. And she never quite forgave you for the time back then, or what you did. You forgot, she remembered it to this very day. Although I will add, most likely she is incorrect in her memory. Two years is a long time to remember an incident clearly, without doubt she's added elements to the story that she's kept telling herself, making the end result different from the actual story. In either case, it is an expression of how she feels.
Im not sure if she was ever in love with you or meant that as a way of saying she fancied you on a lower level, and enough to enjoy your company and have you as her close friend.
Go on vacation with your girlfriend, a partner does come first in many cases such as this one. But don't neglect your friends, try to think of something to do with your friend to "make up" for it. That should please her and let her know you are indeed interested in spending time with her and still enjoy her friendship.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2011): Men shrug their shoulders and get on with things; women hold grudges......
...............................
|
