A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I am currently in a relationship of about 3-4 years. It is going strong at the moment, and next year we are looking to buy a place together. We have been living together for a few months.We broke up about 2 years ago for 3-4 months as a result of trust and commitment issues, he had commitment issues which caused trust issues on my side.He had one female friend in particular that caused regular problems, deepening my trust issues. When we got back together, after a lot of self reflection and maturing on his side, we got a further 9 months down the road and this girl was still causing me to not trust him and worry if they are truly platonic.So i said I cannot go on - and said i just don't feel right about you and her, I feel as though I'm second best, because you cannot have her. He would move the world for her whenever she clicked her fingers, he ran, and i just got this gut feeling every time and explained it to him.He said he did not want to lose me, and decided to break off friendship with her and that group of friends. So after some time, thats what he did, and those issues have become minimal.I guess now presently - although the issue isn't in my face anymore, I still can help but ponder back to, am i second best? What are the reasons they never got together, why is he with me, and not her. I wonder if he's 'settled' because he cannot have her (wasn't mutual?). And feel not good enough because me and her have very different personalities. - the traits we might have in common is independence and go-getters if i had to name something.Just as we got newly back together, I met a guy at a training class, and we hit it off like a house on fire, I saw him a few times for catch ups and he went travelling for a long time and we kept in touch, but then it came out that he really likes me but knows he cannot have me, and that he can't cope with being in contact, when he got back to town, we eventually decided to stop communicating because it was clear this could never be a platonic relationship. Its now been over 6 months since we spoke, and I find myself thinking about him often and even dreaming about him in my sleep. I don't know how to control my thoughts, I try to bury any thoughts of him, and ignore the dreams of course. But i'm worried if I'm making a right decision getting more serious with my boyfriend, based on this niggling unresolved feeling of this previous friend of his - i don't want to bring it up with him again, he's just going to say I've stopped talking to her for you, what more can he do? which is true. So i feel like I've just got to accept this niggling doubt and continue on and 'hope' for a happy ever after. I don't know if I'm being blindsided by an obvious truth.Im planning a party, and an ex colleague/friend is making an effort to be at my birthday party - which is lovely - My boyfriend made a sharp comment - He Fancies You. Comments like this keep sending my doubt home - he ran for this other girls every whim because He Fancied Her. Why would he sharply decide a colleague friend fancies me because he's coming to my party. He does get jealous over me spending time with any male friends (not many!), even though he knows them and is ALWAYS with me when I do, and I've nothing to hide. I don't know :-/
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2014): There's no one cure all when relationships are in question, but I must say that there's something off about what you said. I think you might be the one who's settling too. This doesn't mean that there's no love.
The fact that you bot had that special someone outside of the relationship says a lot.
It seems to me than even marriage is less serious than buying a joint property these days.
Sometimes couples in order to survive as couples make major steps (getting married, having a baby, buying a home) just to have an illusion that they're not standing in one place... the irony of it is that they usually fall apart soon after.
Think long and hard and be honest.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2014): You don't want to feel like you forced his hand to be with you. It doesn't feel as good when you feel like you had to put pressure on him to get rid of the other woman.
It certainly wouldn't make me feel special.
Best thing to do now is decide whether you can live with this stain on your relationship.
However, be careful, there are no guarantees in love so don't look for perfection in a relationship.
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