A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My (ex) boyfriend "Jake" and I started dating three years ago. Before we started dating I learned that he dealt with depression. He would drink occasionally and frequently smoke pot. He wasn't a partier, but enjoyed having a good time with his close group of friends. I learned that he dealt with emotional pain and would write about how sad he was. I fell in love with him and we were each others first relationship and ultimatly, each other's first love. Since I came into his life, his depression got a lot better. He was writing about happier things and he was the best boyfriend any girl could ask for. He stopped drinking, smoking and hanging out with the wrong crowd. I never approved of drugs or alcohol and he gave it all up to be with me. He refered to me as his "Angel" because I saved him from ever taking his own life. He did everything for me. And I did everything for him. We had the best relationship and as much as he needed me, I needed him. We both helped each other do well in school and it paid off. I got into college in Rhode Island and he got into a college in Boston to go for pharmacy. He never believed that he would get into that school, but we helped each other accomplish our goals. After two years of dating my grandfather died and I took it badly. I ended up pushing "jake" away and told him I wanted to go on a break. He was devistated but gave me my space. Occasionally he would let me know how much he loved me and said he would wait for me forever. He slowly began to show signs of his depression again. I started to drink more and started dating a new person who was a partier. After three months I realized I made a huge mistake and ran back to Jake. I told him I was in a bad state and that I loved him. I told him I would never leave him again and that I learned how much I needed him. After we talked about what we both went through, we got back together. Our relationship was back to the amazing relatioship that it was. We were back to supporting each other. In September we started school and despite the 2 hour distance, we made it work. Two months ago he told me he needed space which was a complete shock to me. He said school was stressing him out and he needed to do things on his own for a while. I never saw it coming. I was devistated and wanted to be there for him. However, I did my best to respect his wishes, like he did for me. I still told him that I loved him and would always be here for him. He usually replied "I know. Thank you" Then a few weeks later I learned that he was dating another girl. He started smoking and drinking heavily and his new girl is a partier too. He stopped going to class and is having problems getting along with his family. I am completly crushed by what is going on. He has now cut all communication with me. His mom tells me that he still loves me and I believe it. When she brought up my name he started crying. I feel like all I can do is just sit back and watch and hope he realizes he made a mistake. We were so good for each other and wanted to spend together forever. I am hoping this is a phase, what do you think? I pray for him every night.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your help. I know I need to work on me and as sad as I am to loose my best friend, I am doing ok. I just want him to do good in life and make the right decisions. I'll just try to make the best out of what is happening. I appreciate the advice
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2009): Good advice below. I wanted to stress something to you that seems to be a theme in your relationship....dependence. Love is not dependence, you really do have to stand on your own so that you have something to give the other person.....Interdependence is what a couple strives for, where you help each other and take care of eachother's needs, but you are still and individual, you don't lose your sense of self and you realize that you alone are not responsible for the other's happiness, only they are.
Love first and foremost is a conscious decision, a commitment. Sometimes a love is not meant to last forever, and I think this is one of those times. You are both very young and are not settled in life because you are young and you are still in school. The timing is just all off, and even if it were right, it may not have worked any way. Your boyfriend has issues with depression and you are not responsible for alleviating that depression because it is a chemical imbalance in the brain and he needs medication for that. Sure you brought happiness into his life, but the depression is still there...He needs to do that work on his own, to rid himself of it, he should not drag you into it or drag you down because of it.
I think you made the right choice to move on when you felt like it, but the security of that relationship pulled you back and it is probably a mistake to go back to it.
Let him go in love. Don't drag this relationship out past it's expiration date or you will both end up with bad feelings and hurt where you should just let each other go with love and wish each other well......
You will most likely be in love several times before the time is right to find the right guy for you. There are many many "Ones" or "Soulmates" out there for you, so open your eyes and open your heart and you will find another just as good as the last, maybe even happier and better for you.
Take care.
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