A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I are both in our 40's and have been together for 8 months. We love each other very much but it seems like I'm the one always doing the "little things": helping with her kids, shuttling them from place to place, writing her letters, ending flowers, bringing her a tea at work when she needs one, cooking dinners for her and her kids, etc. I ask for nothing in return other than to be appreciated. I have invested a lot of time getting to know her kids too as I want to establish a good relationship with them. On the nights neither of us have our kids, i am the one who drives to her place to spend the evening (we live on opposite sides of the city). She comes over to my place every other weekend to spend time with me and my kids but recently has only been staying one night only. She also refuses to come over to my place during the work week as "it's too much of a hassle" as far as getting ready for work. This bothers me as it seems like I do 95% of the traveling between our residences. She just went away to see family for the Holidays and it was her first visit in many years and there was going to be some tension with some family members. I told her that I would give her space to be with her family and to not bother her so I would leave it to her to initiate texts and phone calls. What happened surprised me as she only called me once in 5 days and most days she didn't even say good morning via text. This dismayed me and made me wonder where my place is i her life. She was never treated well in her previous relationships and is happy that she is with a man who treats her and her children right. I'm starting to be concerned that this is a one-sided relationship as it feels like I'm doing everything i can to make her happy and being left holding the bag. i'm not sure how to broach the subject to her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2013): I.am in your corner my friend. my good lord it is very hard indeed. I myself I, am involved in a similar situation, I met this gal about a year ago .she is just a sweet gal tiny little thing but very sweet. I learnt early in the what was a friendship budding into a relationship that she has had a good amount of exposure with bad relationship or inappropriate choices with past partners to deal with. she has 3 kids all grown up now . but 3 different fathers. and according to her 99% assholes. so I say to myself ok 2 sides to every story . Also she informed me that she has a very low labeto or sex drive ,and again I say well 3 kids it can't really be that bad. little did I know?? and that she is not a touchy feely type person and not very intimate either. I say to myself ok. but there must of been a point in time that she was but little did I realize just how cold and distant she really is. it wasn't until many months later and myself falling deeply in love with her that more of her true personality started to shine through. I on the other hand am the exact opposite of her. very warm. and I always try to put somebody else before my own needs/ its the way I was brought up . I care so much for this sweet lady. we currently live together along with her youngest daughter of 20 years old. this girl of hers is the type of person that won't talk to you to save her life gets pissed off when the wind changes direction/ never says thank you for anything never helps her mom with any expenses for the house or bills won't cleanup after herself and just generally very self-serving. she has a full time job as well. something very wrong with this young lady. so I put in for her because her mom needs the help and I live here as well. and I fear when she does ever get out on her own that a wakeup call is waiting for her... very sad it could all be avoided if she could see what her attitude is like, granted I believe this young gale has been hurt very badly in the past from disappointment and so forth but that's no excuse for treating people like dirt . her mom my sweet lady does thank me when I do things for her or get stuff or do house work or repairs around the house and so forth . like a mini van to drive around in I pick all the expenses and repairs for it . i.am also a very experience biker with a few Harleys. and just a few weeks ago got her new riding gear so she will be protected and in style. she love to ride so much i felt it would be best to make sure she is safe and looking good as well. my great uncle bill once said to we can only pull so much water out of the well before it goes dry, how true. My well is starting to dry out. also she at 53 is dealing with metaphase it all started about 2 months after we got together that when she got even more distant so I have been educating myself with this situation every woman has to face or will face at some point in there life pardon me if I sound like am ranting I, am not I, am still with her in hopes that someday she well come out of this protective shell and realize what a wonderful life we could have together. so I keep giving and she keeps taking I feel if I keep giving of myself and keep focused on her needs that maybe just maybe it will payoff down the road and prove to her that not all men are asses. that some of us really do care. does she meet my needs ??? you may wonder????? sadly no.... it would appear that my needs are not important to her or at least that's what it looks like from my end of course I could be wrong but I see very little effort coming from her to even try to meet my simple needs . I just want to be acknowledge and with maybe a little affection every so often would be nice .
So in closing my friend or friends you are not alone.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2012): So she never cookes for you, or cleans, or do anything for your kids?
How do you want to be appreciated? Does she say thank you and acknowledges the fact that you do it?
I wouldn't worry that much that she doesn't call you very often, because my husband whois very caring never calls me when I m away.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2012): It sounds as though you are a generous, thoughtful, easy going guy and your qualities are being taken for granted. Only contacting you once in five days was a pretty poor show. A quick text per day would not have been much to expect. I would be questioning things too if I were in your shoes. Maybe wait until you are with her to broach the subject rather than texting or calling about it. Then simply ask her where you fit into her life because you dont feel that you are both `meeting in the middle`. When she asks what you mean by that, you can explain now you feel you bring more to the relationship than she does. She will either see your point and start appreciating you. Giving you a little more thought and attention or she will become defensive and disagree with you. If she does the latter and you KNOW you deserve more than she if happy to offer...it might be time to saddle up and head for the hills.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2012): I too applaud you for all the effort you are making. I too live away from my husband as we have jobs in different areas and I am sorry to say he makes most of the effort to come to me. During the week I am just too tired to make the effort, I don't like putting my makeup on etc at his house as the mirrors are not good and I don't like the drive into Londoin the heavy traffic as I do not feel familiar with the route. I suggest you give her a wake up call by not going over to her house for a while and by being unavailable to ferry her children around. She will then see and take note of all you do for her. I myself am well aware that I do not put in as much effort as my husband but I am just too tired with work to do anything about it. Iunderstand I risk losing him but I just am physically usable to put any more effort in.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (31 December 2012):
Sounds pretty one sided to me, and I applaud you for making such an effort. She may be giving you less attention because she's not used to getting so much. Or she could be self centered. Either way you have to do something about it, because having someone that treats you like you are special feels so good that everybody deserves to feel it (if they are giving it at least).
She may not be aware that you are concerned or that she is lacking in that department. So talking about it wont hurt. Just be open and honest without accusing her (instead of saying you never do this/that/etc, say that you would like it if she would be more this/that/etc.)
Unfortunately it sounds like this is just who she is, and there is likely nothing you can do about it. Changing people is VERY difficult (not impossible). It's more likely that she'll change for a bit then go back to her ways. If that happens you need to be prepared to leave so you can find a more fulfilling relationship.
This may have the effect of giving her a "wake up call" so she knows you are serious and so she doesn't take you for granted anymore. My wife did this to me a while back and it was an eye opener. I'll never neglect her again!
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2012): Yes it is one sided. Some people have more energy to sustain attention to their relationships and friendships and others don't even though it doesn't mean they aren't appreciative or thinking about you. I have been on both sides. I have felt guilty when I forgot friends ' birthdays but they remembered mine. Also this year I stopped giving Xmas gifts to a friend who for the last 10 years never gave me an Xmas gift whereas I always gave him one. And yet another friend gave me an Xmas gift whereas it didn't occur to me to give him one. These are friendships not intimate relationships but its similar in the sense that where there isn't reciprocity you don't really know where you stand with that person. For friendships I think its not so important since those types of relationships are more fluid and have more wiggle room but for your life partner it would be very upsetting not knowing where you stand with her.
You wrote "I ask for nothing in return other than to be appreciated." Ok so is it possible that (a) since you ask for nothing in return but give and give therefore you get nothing in return? Or (b) maybe she is appreciating you - does she thank you when you do thoughtful things for her? Does she tell you that she likes it when you do nice things? That would be showing appreciation
If what you want is not just appreciation but reciprocity then that's a bit different. She may be of the opinion that its the man's job to do these things for the woman. If you feel uncomfortable about the imbalance then you might want to stop giving of yourself so much.
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