A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My partner is 27 years older and we have been together almost 2 years. Until a few months ago everything seemed to be as perfect as life can be. We were so much in love we wanted to live and spend the rest of our lives together. But since 3 months ago things changed. My partner did have two failed marriages before he met me. From the first marriage he has two teenagers. My partner has his doubts about long-term relationships. He knows relationships can be difficult and knows that his two previous marriages failed because of two persons. Nevertheless he was so much in love with me that he wanted to try and work hard for us. Since a few months ago my partner’s life seem to be turned upside down. Family circumstances, financial problems and work stress made my partner feel down and confused. Over the cause of the last few months he broke up with me more then a couple of times. We got back together but only recently he broke up ‘definitely’ with me. I find it very difficult to put a point behind our relationship as I never give up and also have the feeling my partner is confused himself and maybe the break up is not as 'defintive' as he says. This because he is being indiscreet. If I am not together with him he misses me. Then he rings me up and wants to date with me. When I date him then he wants me to stay longer and when I stay longer he wants me to leave again and have his own space. At the moment he tells me he doesn’t’ want a ‘part-time’ nor a ‘fulltime’ relationship and he already wanted to be friends for the last few months. But he didn’t want to break up with me because he knows how much I love him. I know that normally men say this when they already made the decision to break up definitively. But why does he miss me when I am not around, contacts me, and is intensively enthusiastic and happy when I meet him? The way we are together is more then –just friends-. Are there any signs in this story that we could save our relationship or does it really sounds like a defenitive break up for the outside world? If we can save our relationships any ideas how?
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (8 October 2008):
 What leapt into my mind reading your question was that even though your man is 27 years older than you are, he still has a lot of growing up to do. Life throws all kinds of nasty things at us, and generally, we muddle through somehow, usually with the help of those we love and who love us. Rather than asking for help and support from you, he pushes you away, except for when HE decides he needs a little 'comfort.' I'm with deejuliet here, perhaps it's just the physical kind of comfort he's looking for.
He sounds like a defeatist, he's already given up on a longterm relationship before it's really even underway. So he said he would try, but really, he didn't really stick to that did he?
I admire your fortitude and resolve, I think that most relationships would benefit from that determination. But unfortunately, that has to go both ways. And he's broken up with you, which means that he doesn't care to benefit from it.
So you have a defeatist, immature man with major life problems who has told you that he doesn't want a relationship. Honey, you had better listen to him. He's not confused, he has you when he wants you and then send you back home when he's done with you. It's either that, or he has never learned to cope with stress and deals with it by playing ostrich. (Trust me on this one, I know, I've done it myself.)
The thing that worries me for you is that you are still young and have time to find a man who is mentally stable, able to cope with life's stressors, and who wants to be with you. And will stick around to work things out if they get a bit rough. By trying to make good on your investment of 2 years, you might be missing a really good man, and might be throwing good years after bad. In other words, where will you be 2 years from now? Will you still be in this casual relationship with him, hoping that he'll come around?
I don't like to advocate quitting on a relationship, but for heaven's sake, he's quit. He's broken up with you! All the effort will be yours and he seems to me to be sitting back and just enjoying the casual nature of the current status quo. To answer your question about why he misses you, he misses the connection to you, but he doesn't want the burden of a relationship.
So please do yourself the favor of assuming it is a split and then behave accordingly. Don't let him manipulate you into a friends with benefits thing, which is where you seem to be now. Stop hanging out with him, say no when he asks you out on a 'date', speak with him by phone no more than once a week. Don't text or email him at all. Get on with your life and learn from this relationship, as he has not from his previous relationships.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (8 October 2008):
 I think that yes, it is a break up. But he is having trouble letting go completely. And your easy availability just makes it more difficult. He knows he can have you back with a snap of his fingers. He likes being able to control you. Also, consider whether he is just using you for sex.
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