A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I hope I don't get made fun of for this. I've only had one girlfriend ever, so not much relationship experience. Im 20 years old and I'm still a virgin; and I'm saving it for the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with. It's difficult though, to watch all my peers go out and have sex like its nothing. I've pretty much given up on the hope of finding a girl my age who feels the same way I do and meets all the other more important criteria. It really bothers me though, I know that whoever I find probably isn't going to be a virgin. I know what most of you are thinking, he just doesn't want sloppy seconds. No, thats not the case. When the time comes it is going to be incredibly special for me, and I want to share that whoever I find. How can it be as special to them if they've had sex before? How can the relationship be equal? I want it to mean as much to them as it means to me. I don't care if its good or bad. Is there still a point in saving it? Cause it won't matter to her that I'm a virgin if she's had sex? Do I need to just go out and screw the first girl I know doesn't have an std? Or is there still hope? I'm at a crossroads, everything I was raised to believe is in question, and I have no idea what to do. Does anybody have advice to help me sort through this? How do I get past this?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2009): That last dude obviously married the wrong woman.
But that's what happens when it becomes socially unacceptable to admit normal preferences like this. There's nothing wrong with deciding that you're a staying virgin until married or deciding that you only want to marry a virgin.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2009): Sorry to stir up negativity here but, no I don't think there is any point in saving your virginity.I saved mine for my wife. She didn't save anything for me. I worked and diciplined myself to make sure my marriage was special. She wasn't worried about it. I get to have sex with one person for the rest of my life, she gets variety. She got to take her first boyfriends virginity and mine as well. I will never know what it is like to take a girls virginity.My advise, go out and get some. Don't waste your time like I did.You are right, sex has become meaningless in our society. To many times I have heard young women talking about how many guys they have had sex with and the numbers are in the double didgets! The worst part may be that they don't think that they are doing anything wrong!
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A
female
reader, CupidGirl826 +, writes (2 September 2009):
Hey there, Yeah, your relationship was based on lies. You felt betrayed, that hurt you. I found out what most men get hurt about on break-ups. Isn't so much the act of what broke it up, but the point that they feel like they trusted this person. A man does guard his heart more, they don't fall as easily. And when they do they are usually cautious about it. So what they can't get over is how did he let this girl get close to him, how did he not see this coming. How could he of not judged her better. I think this is where you're at (possibly). I feel you need to focus on the future. Stop focusing on the past hurt. This may not be what you want to hear, but I'm sure that chick has moved on completely and doesn't think about you or what you shared one bit - yet you're still on it. I'm not being tough, but I want you to get how you're wasting your time and have to move on.Truth is, you shared something but not everything. There's a still a lot you can do, that you can do with your next partner which you haven't done which will be a lot more intimate. You brought another point up about things not being as special to them as they are to you. Hmm...I feel what makes marriage different from any relationship I'll have is the intimacy. Sharing something with somebody that I'm not sharing with the rest of the population, lol. In marriages, spouses don't own each other's bodies - we just share our bodies with that person. I'm going to have a connection with somebody that I'll not have with anyone else. The good thing is, is that you're a guy - you will have sex with women, women (most in relationships) are emotionally attached to the guy their having sex with. I've read a lot of posts on women here that talk about sex in relationships and flings, whether they have a past or not ALL state the sex they have with their husbands/BFs are WAY BETTER than their flings because of the emotion that's being shared, it's more intimate and fulfilling. So, trust me, the chick that you get serious about - will have that emotional attachment with you, it's hard wired in. I think I'd have the harder problem, finding guys with experience that would see it as something special between us.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2009): The lying is so much of the problem. It's popular to accept wilder pasts and view it in a "no harm done" kind of light. But a lot of times that's just bullshit. If your partner has been lying about their past then they are either ashamed of it or they at least want to deceive you for their purposes. Neither of those two reasons is a good sign about the person, either in the past or in the present and future.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much cupidgirl826 for the advice. Your thoughts on this will definitly be able to help me sort through this. I guess when I find someone else, I will try to look at it in the context of if it were a one night stand or a serious relationship. The idea still hurts though, knowing that I will never be the same to them as they are to me. I am religious, but my reasons for feeling the way I do are the same as yours, and I was raised to feel that way. I don't know if you read my first reply or not, but I stated that I had been lied to by a girl who I loved very much. This is when my problem really started. Before, it was something that was a plus, but not very important. Now, it is extremely important. When she told me the truth, her past didn't bother me that bad, but the fact she lied did. I tried to talk to her, and we worked through it, but a few weeks later she gets a motel room with a guy she barely knows for the night; and she didn't even care that it hurt me. I thought that we shared the same views about sex, but apparently we didn't. I feel like she lied to me to make me feel comfortable with going a little further than making out. She used me until she saw that I wouldn't give her all she wanted then took off with some guy who would. It has left me very confused and hurt for a year now. The things I did do with her didn't matter to her at all. I was just another number. That really really hurt, because she mean't so much to me. I'm not real sure why this event has made me so against dating anyone who has not saved it. Thank you once again for your post. It gives me some things to think about.
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female
reader, CupidGirl826 +, writes (1 September 2009):
Hello, I'm 22, F, student, and yeah, virgin. This may not help, but I want to let you know THERE ARE people out there who think like you. My upbringing and views are very traditional. I've lived in America my entire life, but my culture and the way I was raised is not American. I'm waiting for marriage and no kind of touching in between minus a hug. However, my views on virginity is not about religion reasons (I'm not religious, I've attended church only for funerals, never read the bible). It's not so much about culture either. It's my views on, character, integrity, respect and standards.I also believe that we live in a society that love and sex have been separated. Apparently, people now have this switch where they know when it's "just sex" or "emotional." I don't have that switch and never will. I feel sex is something intimate and beyond that I just feel people should have more respect for their bodies. When I think of people out there with flings, especially when it's someone you're in love with, it almost seems so demeaning, and hurtful - because you love them so much you just can't imagine somebody using their body that way. I recently broke it off with someone who I was very much in love with, not because his past (he was an attractive/older man) and he did have a VERY colorful past (He was extremely open minded, and I'll leave that to your imagination). And we were head over heels for another close to marriage. I needed sometime to think about things...This man could of possibly been the greatest love of my life. I don't know if I'll ever have the same chemistry with anyone else like this again. However...I realized even though I could accept his past and it's not who he is today, it says so much about his character. His heart is the reason I fell in love with him, but values are so important. I realized I can't be with someone who doesn't respect their body. All men have the potential to be pigs, sleeping with every woman they possibly can. It's just not that some do and some don't have this in them - good men deliberately choose not to be - but they must fight a natural urge from time to time. It's a choice they make to be better men. I think it's safe to say for with all men with intact testes, sex is an enormous vice. But when I think long-term relationships and marriage, truth is..how can I raise kids, etc, with somebody that doesn't understand respect or have discipline. I know we live in a society that says be liberal and free with your body, but I'm sorry - I need someone who makes choices based on what's "right" versus "what feels good to me." People will come on and tell you, past is past, don't worry about it. The way I see it, those people made their choices, and they should live with them. If men want women that's slept with 2 men at one time, etc - to have kids with one day, let them. If women want men that's been with other men, and many flings, and they want to raise a family with that one day, let them. But I won't.You shouldn't have to compromise. I say wait for that chick that's been waiting for you. I don't know if you're waiting for "the one," or just the "one right now." Some wait for marriage, some just want it to be a special thing between a committed GF/BF. Since I'm waiting for marriage, I'm realistic. I'll probably be married before 25. In the next upcoming year, I'll try to make more time to meet people. So just, don't compromise, hold your ground, and make your plan. Make a list of "deal breakers (things that you can't be with someone for - it be political views, values, etc)." Now keep in mind, what may matter when it comes to their past relationships: was it flings or were they in committed relationships? If in committed relationships, that means that there was emotion on some level, it wasn't "just sex." So that would make it a bit better. I'll tell you something though, I think sexual past experiences matters a HELL of a lot more to men versus women. On this site, you will see men being married for 1,5,10,20,30 years and they have this HUGE hang-up on their wife's sexual past history (mind you they been together for years and have a family together). Most of these men, don't have the same amount of partners as their wife had (usually less but not uncommon if they had more, it's just the point of another man being with their wife). In the beginning, they thought they could look past it. But as the years rolled by, I'm not sure why, but it just started to bother them, they became obsessed about it. Another thing you mentioned is "sloppy seconds," it isn't about that. If anything, experience has it's positives. But sometimes the price is too high, no one wants to feel like just a number. How can things be just as special with me, if they have experienced the same things with 1,5,10+ women? It will be special, but just not as special as I feel with them. I guess I feel the more partners someone has the novelty kind of wears off. It will always mean more to me, versus them. I'll probably be with someone that has had partners, but I'll try to look at it in the context (relationships or flings, how many). So, do what makes you happy for now and in the long-run.This was a long post, please respond back with your thoughts.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the responses. Its not something that I get angry about. I accept that it's their decision. It just really hurts me that there is no meaning to sex anymore. I sometimes wish I weren't raised that way. The relationship I mentioned in the question kind of ended over this. Initially we had discussed sex, and she had told me she was a virgin. 5 months later she tells me that no she isn't. It wasn't her past that hurt me, it was the fact that she lied to me initially. I had done things with her, (not all the way) believing that she was experiencing those things for the first time just as me. I felt connected to her in that way. It wouldn't have changed how I felt about her if she had just told the truth when we had first discussed it. Virginity wasn't as big of an issue for me before that relationship, but since I was lied to like that, I felt like I was being used. It has scarred me. Virginity now is very important to me. I wish I could make that feeling go away, but I don't know how. Now I feel like I need that connection there. I wish I didn't feel that way.
Thanks again
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2009): You are right to worry about this because it sounds like you are saving yourself on the idea that it earns you the right to want a fellow virgin girl. Unfortunately it does not. It should. You have the right to want the same gift from her that you are struggling to keep for her. But that's not how things work today, so be prepared.If you try to stick it out and wait for the perfect virgin girl, then you have to get this issue out of the way at the beginning of the relationship (and hope you don't get lied to.) You can't date someone for a while and then decide to care about this. They can't change their past and you can't stop caring about it or change it for them. You don't even have any right to be angry with them, they just made a decision that you don't agree with. So you need to make sure from the beginning that you are starting off with a virgin girl or else you need to give up all thoughts of being "angry" about it later.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2009): One thought one the subject...Part of the value of giving your virginity to someone comes from the cost you've paid to keep it for them. It isn't easy to save yourself for your wife, particularly in our culture, but the fact that it's hard makes it worth something if you do.And maybe one more...I also think there are a lot more girls who haven't had sex at 20 than it might seem to you right now. When I was about that age (twelve years ago) I felt like everyone was having sex except me, so I did too. But a couple of years later I thought about the people in my crowd and the girlfriends and boyfriends they'd had (or not had!) since I'd known them and realised that there's no way half of those guys had had sex. It made me regret letting that fear be a part of my decision to have sex.
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