A
female
age
41-50,
*onfusedandalone
writes:He says he loves me but is not in love with me anymore - i think though he may be suffering from depression.we've been together 8 years and have lived together for 3. he went 2 weeks ago saying he had a lot going on and needed a break. he said he was unhappy and was not sure if i was the one making him unhappy.he goes to stay with his folks. then about 6 days after he says its not fair to keep me dangling and he's decided that its the end. he said he's no longer in love with me. i don't believe this. i reminded him of recent happy times and he started to get upset. he said he's been feeling like this for months. he has had a few problems such as debt, gambling and other family problems and he admits everything has just crashed down. but he has pushed me right away and thinks its the end for us.he still keeps saying he wants to be friends. he phoned me yesterday and said he needed to be selfish and take the time to sort himself out and at the moment his priority was that. i asked him if he had changed his mind about us and he said 'not at the moment'. he does not know how he will feel when he sorts himself out. he said if he still feels the same then there's no future for us. he is blocking everyone else out and not even talking to his mum, dad, close friends. instead he is chosing to mix with friends not very close to him at all.when i spoke to him yesterday i asked if he was seeing somebody else and he said no and then he asked me if i was. i was shocked how he could ask this and he said 'are you?' and i said no. then a few hours later he phones again asking if i was seeing anybody else so obviously i hope still cares.what i want advice on is whether you think there is still a chance for us and whether this is the depression overshadowing him and he cannot see clearly at the moment. any advice would be appreciated.x
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): Oh I just want to add, right now he needs you as a friend not a lover. So just treat him like a casual friend for a while, relationships take a lot of work and there are lots of things expected of each partner in them, things that he can't think about right now because it's too much.
Give him time space and let him work things out. If you don't see noticeable improvement in his life and how things are going then it will be time to talk to his friends and family.
If this goes on too long then ye'll have to step in and help him to get his life in order whether he wants you help or not.
Give it time and see how this plays out. Isolation is a bitch, that on top of depression becomes a very serious downward spiral and too many times especially in our country that leads to fatal decisions.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): Well if he's pushing away everyone that he loves and cares for to hang out with minor acquaintances then yeah there is a chance for you, because he no doubt loves his friends and family yet he's pushing them away, which means he's probably doing the same to you.
I get the feeling he's doing this out of shame, he's depressed because he's gotten into a huge mess and he wants to sort things out on his own because he can't face the people he loves.
I've been there I know what it's like, the best thing you can do is keep in contact but give him a little extra space. Keep the contact light, no more of these "what about us" or heavy conversations or telling him what he should do or judging him etc. I know it's not fair on you but depression doesn't care what's fair on anyone. Plus it's no picnic for him either. There is definitely a chance for you but you have to be patient and understanding, he can get out of this but separating himself from his loved ones is not the way to do it. So do keep an eye on him, let him know you're there, don't pressure him, don't do the "what about us" thing, don't start feeling hard done by (you have every right to be, but it's not him who's doing wrong by you it's his mental state.) I suspect he feels you and all his loved ones would be better of without him at the moment and until he's found a way of dealing with everything in his life then he doesn't feel ready to face people.
He might be doing what he feels right by you by breaking up, he might feel you'd be better off without him.
So stay in contact but don't harass him. Thread carefully, keep things casual and keep everything light but don't give up on him. Don't press him for details of things he feels uncomfortable talking about.
Look he feels awful now, breaking up with you while he may feel is best for you is probably killing him and knowing he's hurting you is only going to make that worse but at the moment he doesn't feel capable of being a good partner to you. Just have faith that he will come back, try and put on a brave face with him under the assumption that this is a blip and when he's ready you'll be a couple again. Please don't put the pain you're feeling about this on top of his pain, try not to load him up with reasons to feel bad.
I know this is tough for you OP, not knowing if this is permanent or not, but if you do keep pestering him about it and don't let it go for a while then it will be permanent and he won't get out of this rut.
Good luck OP, I hope everything will work out for him. Hopefully this a temporary depression like mine was and hopefully like me he will have good understanding friends to not let go of him and keep asking him to hang out and do stuff no matter how many times he says no.
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