A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So my mother and I have always had a weird relationship. One minute I'm the best thing that ever happened to her, the next, she will ignore me for days or weeks. Long story short, she had me when she was 20, and finally told me after having drinks one night that she's jealous of me. That I am 29 and gotten to travel and do what I want. I believe that she has resentment towards me since she had me at a young age. Now that both me and my half brother are on our own, she has a new house with her boyfriend of years, and they go to parties and act like they're young again. I am happy for her if that makes her happy, but there are times that mess me up.This past weekend, we went on a family trip. For the most part everything was good, but as always she brings up the past. Every mistake I've ever made, anything I've ever done that isn't right. Now mind you, I wasn't a perfect kid. Her and my step father moved halfway across the country when I was 16, and I lived with family friends. They had faith that I would continue with my perfect grades, but I did start dating an older guy, cut classes, and didn't. My biological father also passed away when I was 17, so I def rebelled. I had no parental figures nearby, and I was angry at the world. Although I made mistakes, I never did anything that caused any serious damage. She still brings it up over 12 years later!! I have called her five times in the last few days and absolutely no response. I know that she's ok because I've talked to my grandmother. We've been through this before. She just ignores me. It really messes with my head because I just want my mom to love me, to be supportive and there for me. My boyfriend and I have been together for years, and seen it all. He has a son whom I've taken in as my own. I could never imagine ignoring him. It has made me feel as though I've done something to deserve my mom not wanting to talk to me, and not wanting me. I've been through this my whole life but now that I have a child in my life, I've realized the dance it has done to my confidence, ability to trust and get close, so much. What do I do? Stop reaching out and hope one day she does? It's affecting all my other relationships bc I'm so stressed and upset lately. Why doesn't my mom want me?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2016): There is a brilliant book 'Will I ever be good enough?' By Karyl McBride. Think this might help you. She also has a website.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2016): Your mother may be undergoing a mid-life crisis and the onset of menopause.
If she was always fickle and a generally unpleasant person, I don't think this is all focused on you. You admit you were a handful and rebellious. Why doesn't she have a right to recall and remind you how it affected her? What are you doing right now by writing about her? You're expressing how her behavior affects you! Without giving her the right to defend herself, or tell her side. We'll form opinions based on what you say about her.
If she doesn't answer calls, she's busy or not feeling up to a conversation.
Time to revisit your past. You don't have any idea how much what we say and do to our parents will come back to haunt you later on. What you're describing in your post doesn't really support your accusation that she doesn't love you.
She's a woman who became a mother before she was ready, or may not have been equipped to be the best mom. You were an unplanned pregnancy. You then became a rebellious teenager punishing her for who she is, and what you perceive to be her failures as a parent. Guess what? She's returning the favor. My dear, what goes around comes around. Recall your sassiness and the times you challenged her? Particularly with the older-guy incident. Surely there are many other events in your life, that you've conveniently chosen to dismiss or selectively chosen to forget.
Parents don't forget everything you've done and said that hurt them. She said she is jealous of you, meaning she wishes she had the freedom you have at your age. Not that she hated you for being her child. You're twisting things a bit. Even if she wasn't the model mom; don't forget you weren't the model kid either. You can downplay your behavior for the sake of argument, but you had to be the one on the receiving end of it to say how bad it really was.
She isn't the perfect TV mom, or the typical mother many may have. She is still your mother and you have to deal with her personality for what it is. She's too old to change.
You're not at fault for her problems, her unhappy past, nor the choices she has made. So don't take that burden upon your shoulders. Leave her alone for awhile; because she may be wrestling with her conscience; and you may remind her of the worst times of her life. How poorly she may have behaved as a mother, and may even be hiding hiding in shame. She knows you're judging her, but be understanding as you can. I'm not making any excuses for her bad behavior. You submitted a post, and you've sought advice. This is an opinion and another perspective that you may overlooked. It is meant to offer you more understanding and hopefully some comfort that this isn't your fault. You didn't ask to be born, and you didn't have your choice of parents.
However; she is the mother you were given. Love her all the same, and just back-off for a little while. She'll miss you, and she will contact you; because she'll realize you're her flesh and blood, the fruit of her womb, and basically all she really has. Boyfriends come and go, but your kids are in your life forever.
Enjoy the life and youth she so much envies. That's the gift she gave you that keeps on giving.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 September 2016):
 You mom is selfish. That is it.
YOU didn't mess up her life. Having kids young doesn't mean you can't achieve anything. YOU were just the excuse she USED for not reaching whatever lofty goals she had for herself.
I would actually stop calling her for a while. It's stressing you out that she doesn't pick up and I BET YOU she knows that. She feels that she somehow have the "upper hand" and honestly? When you have a relationship with someone who blames EVERYTHING on others it's rarely healthy.
Give you love to those you DESERVE it and whom can appreciate and RETURN it.
I'm sure your mom loves you in her own little way, she just is shit at showing it. And that is sad because you miss out, but SHE actually misses out too.
Focus on YOUR life, not on pleasing her, or "making up" for you youthful mistakes. I mean seriously.. she LEFT you with family friends? At a time where a teenager NEEDS good parenting? Were you left without anyone to help you deal with the passing of your Dad? I'm hoping the family friend did help, but it's NOT the same as having your mom around.
STOP beating yourself up over your past, it's a done deal. And stick to be around positive people and let your mom live HER life, while YOU live yours.
Chin up.
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