A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Im having contact with this girl I met trough the internet for about 3 years or so now, first everything was ok and just for fun.. but I have fallen in love with her.. but that isnt the real problem, the thing is that she might have some mental problems and there is this guy, her ex boyfriend, that keeps bothering her.. hes very smart and always manages to talk her over no matter what people say, and then he always manages to get her depressed, even tried to kill herself once cause of it. This is going on over and over for more then a year now, each time the end results are worse.I just dont know what to do about it. One day im happy talking to her and having fun.. then suddenly I wont see her anymore for a while, then all the sudden she comes online again and starts talking to me, all depressed cause of him. But she cant let go of him because of some things in the past.And its starting to cause problems for me too, I cant focus, think or do anything properly because she and her problems are in my mind all the time. And its getting worse each time something like this happens.She warned me before that it could cause problems for me, but I just love her too much to just let her go, I tried but I cant no matter how bad the end results are for me. And people that know a little bit of it advice me to just never talk to her again, but I know I cant do that. Without her my life just looks so empty.** extra info-She lives in an different country then I do, to far away to go by car to her.-Moving closer to her isnt an option at the moment.-Her ex boyfriend hates me alot, and would use anything/anyone to make sure I will lose contact with her.-She claims she also has feelings for me ( but Im not sure if she really means it )-She has no friends near her that can help her-She went to shrinks but they couldnt help-Her ex boyfriend still claims he has feelings for her, and will do anything to try and get her close to him, even if that means that she'll have to be more miserable or depressed.So what should I do? Is there a possible way that I can help her, or perhaps even be together with her in the future without all the stuff mentioned above going on?If there is any sort of extra info you need to know to help me with this, the please let me know.
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male
reader, spinnaker  +, writes (27 April 2010):
 This is not really a mental problem as much as it is a co-dependancy which is a desire to control or to be controlled. Many people in abusive (emotional physical or both) fall into that trap.
She fantasises about a white knight coming in (you) and rescuing her and it is quite handy that when ever the going gets tough, she can log in and you are there, and both of you escape to your private little world.
When you think of the time you have invested in obsessing about her issues and how it distracts from your own business you may wish to re-evaluate your priorities because she is dumping all of this emotional cargo onto you as it gives her a sense of control over something.
It is almost like the constant worry wort who's family consistantly caters to their whim in order to keep them from worrying. It is very pathological and regardless of if the person is aware, manipulative. IT is just an example of emotional abuse.
The warning no doubt spurred your sense of adventure and competition (a quest if you will) and you were pulled into this chaotic world.
My advice would be to amputate yourself from this whole situation as it is not doing you any good.
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