A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HiyaSo here is my question..I have been with my fella for 8 months and we are very happy together. He is my world. He has 2 gorgeous kids which I get on very well with - his son got upset when I had to go home!! I don't see them all the time, as I do think daddy/children time is important and he has them every wknd. I really love them all!! But...the ex!! We waited 7 months before I met the kids to make sure we were stable, she sent me abusive msgs at 1st but I was nice back and told her things weren't gonna change (which they haven't). The ex is engaged to someone else (my fella and her split up 3 years ago), but this is my problem, she tells her children they aren't allowed to speak to me - her 3 year old told me. My fella fortunately told her to stop immediately, told the kids to make up there own mind and told me not to worry. His ex wanted to meet me, which I was fine with, but then she changed her mind.We made sure we did everything right, but my ultimate fear is that she poisens them and they then don't get to see their dad and hate me. If that happened, I would feel so bad cos its all down to me coming into his life and falling in love. I know you can take her to court, but that seems so drastic and before I came, everything was fine.Is there anything else we can do so she doesn't use the kids as tools? Thanks xxThank you.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2012): "Is there anything else we can do so she doesn't use the kids as tools?"
Sadly, no. If ex wants to use the kids as a weapon to "punish" him, she will. Unfortunately if she is short-sighted and selfish enough to put her need for revenge ahead of her kids' best interests, then it's the kids who will suffer most (as they always do).
Should this be the case, there's nothing you can do besides bow out gracefully for the sake of your boyfriend so he can continue to be a father to children who desperately need one stable parent who is considering their long-term well-being.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2012): I guess its hard for her, the 3 year old must have just been born when they split up so she's had the hard task of raising them both alone. Thats what she is used to, being their number one.
Its wrong to say things to the kids though, about you, but I spose she must feel threatened having another woman in their life, she must know her Ex is fond of you and your serious.
I think your fella needs to talk to his Ex again,soon, to ask her to not drive a wedge, the 3 yr old will not have a grasp of what she's really saying or the effect it has. Its not fair of her to put this stress on them, they need to feel both parents want them around even when they've moved on to new partners.That they are part of a growing family.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 March 2012):
 So far I have only dated men without kids. Naturally my instinct would be to be a mother to children whatever race, but I would say to the mother that she is the irreplaceable figure in their lives and I am not going to take away that place. This is something your fella has to sort out by himself. He is either going to choose to live and love freely or to keep his ex wife happy while being alone. All you do is sit back and not overreact to any of this. Your fella can tell his kids that it's okay to speak to you, but that their mom would always be their mom. The kids can also speak to their mom's boyfriend, but their dad would always be their dad. Young kids can be confused who are real parents and if they were real why would they leave. It's okay that they don't understand right now. I think of it as an honour to be a step parent. You are nurturing kids but at the same time you would not enforce rules and do it overboard. It takes a kind, compassionate and understanding person to take that role well.
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