A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I split up a little while ago. He has caused me a lot of pain and no matter what we did we just couldn't see eye to eye. I know that I poured my heart and soul into our marriage and wanted to fix what ever was broke up until the bitter end. It wasn't until the bitter end that I realized that it wasn't our marriage that was broke it was my husband. He has some real issues that he needs help with, but he denies that anything is wrong with him and refuses to get the help he needs. While I still love him with all my heart, I had to love me to. I told him to get help or leave. He left insisting that I kicked him out. I told him several times since then that he had a choice and he refuses to see that, he just wants to stick with the "my evil wife kicked me out on the streets" story. I now understand things about him that I never did before. I know that he is feeding off of the symphaty that story is bringing him from other people. When I met him he had the "my evil wife cheated on me when I was in the war" story. That is the one he got me with and that is what he used as an excuse for every discripency during the first year of our reltaionship. I know my husbands problems are very serious and I also know they won't go away on there own. He would have to want to get help and that is the only way. I would stand by his side and give him all of the love and support that he needs if he will agree to get help, but I know that you can only lead a horse to water. Every time I offer to go with him to get help he says I kicked him out and it blows up into an argument, so I just gave up. Last night I was out with some mutural friends of ours and we went to a place that normally we would be with my husband. It was a place that we had not been to since things were better with me and my husband. I thought I was ready to handle this, but I just felt so empty. I kept looking for him and he was not there and nothing felt right. I was surrounded by 100 people and I felt completely alone. It became very real to me all at once that I do not know the person that my husband turned into so it was easy to let him go, but the man I love is gone too. Since I have no choice but to leave this place in a couple of months, if my husband does not agree to get help, I may never see the man I love again. I became overwhelmed with pain. I went outside because I didn't want for my friends to see me crying. When they came to check on me they tried their best to comfort me, but I needed my husband. I called him. He was hostile at first, but then I told him that I did not want to talk and I did not want to try and work things out, I just wanted him. He came and got me. I did not want to go back to the house just in case we did get into an arguement because the kids were here, so we just got a room. Things had been very, very bad for the past 6 months and about two months ago I noticed something different about his eyes. I can't explain it very well, but I know it's not anything to do with drugs, he does not do drugs and even if he started, it's just not that kind of look. It's just an empty, angry, confused look. He eyes are completely glased over. It is so hard for me to look at him like this, he just looks like somebody sucked the soul out of him. I don't know any other way to explain it. When we got to the room and I saw him looking at me that way, I wanted to go, but instead I just started talking about better times. Times when we were in love and the things we did and the plans we had. Eventually he joined in and we were laughing and joking, it was just the best evening I've had in a very, very long time and I will never reget it. When I looked up, I saw my husband again. I don't know if he was faking it because I noticed that he was making an effort not to let me look into his eyes, yet I had never mentioned the whole eye thing to him, so I don't know how he would have known. Anyway, when it was time to go home, we just remained silant until we got back to the house. I just told him that even though he doesn't believe me now, we have been through this before, only back then I didn't understand what was happening, but now I do. I told him that when he "wakes up" he is going to know that I am not the enemy. He will know that what I am and all I am is to women that stood by him and loved him while I helped him to build the life he wanted, nothing more and nothing less. I told him this was the second time that he is throwing it all away. I said that I know he just can't see it right now and he won't see it until it is too late, it's just so sad. He looked up at our house and then back at me and that I look was in his eyes again. I knew he was gone in there was nothing more I could say so I got out of the truck and he left. I don't know how I feel this morning. Half of me feels completely hopless and I just want to pack my things and leave this place right now and the other half wants to believe that if I can bring him back, even for a few hours, there is still hope. I am so confused right now that I honestly don't even know what my question is. I guess I just want somebody to tell me something about this because I just don't know what to think.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2009): You are very gifted with words. Your story is a joy to read for the literary side, especially the confused eye passage is very powerful. The fact you managed to create this comfort zone when you met and brought in some laughter and good mood shows me you are probably also in reality an expressive person that communicates easily and gets their message across to people but then it is all the more surprising that you couldn't connect with him so maybe you are right there may be problems at the other end of the line. I can't know and unfortunately I can't give you more than a general opinion because there is more to it than you tell here, you merely share your feelings and private thoughts with us but leave the facts out. You don't specify what your husband does wrong and cannot be corrected on his own but there are indeed serious deep rooted problems that can't be quickly or easily fixed in which cases it is recommendable to seek expert help or at least to start by accepting there is a problem. From what you say he is in denial and a very stubborn person who is stuck on his ideas and won't listen to your points, I'm sure this has been frustrating for both of you. If you have tried to express your views already a number of times and every time it was in vain then I think you can't say you didn't try. We can't say more because we lack the facts. How you tried and how he reacted for example. What would you say in those few hours, what would you expect from him and all the concrete facts. Maybe have a last talk to him where you pour your troubles out in all honesty, see if he is receptive and make yourself available from the start to clarify his points as well, listen to each other and see where this can lead you. Just a simple talk unwrapped in all this (however beautiful) poetry and without letting your emotions get the best of you because emotions can't usually talk in your stead and can't replace plain old English. I am sorry you are going through this bad patch, I hope it can either be fixed or made easier as time goes by.
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