A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:My life seems like a constant cycle of catching my girlfriend on dating sites, breaking up and then somehow ending up back together.When I have caught her she has lied by denying it, blamed me for neglecting her, accused me of jealousy, abuse, invading her privacy or said they are just internet friends. I have tried my best to be my best, but something about me just isnt good enough. She will not discuss it or open up to why she thinks I neglect her. I have never found her meeting anyone she talks to. She is divorced because she cheated on her abusive husband. Is there any hope of turning this relationship around. I am 51 she is 44.
View related questions:
divorce, jealous Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (27 November 2012):
Dude - your 51 - do you really need to be putting up with this type of nonsense? Forget her and move on. You're 51 - you can easily find a woman who will treat you right who is in her late 30s. Have fun.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2012): I am the writer of the question. Thank you, each and all of you for taking time to answer. I have ended us permanently. She has accused me of having a secret lover but she knows the truth of it, whether she wants to face it or not.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2012): already she has got you blaming yourself and trying harder. why doesnt she try harder? if you dont move on then you will start to think of it as a normal relationship and its anything but normal. if she loved you she would treat you better.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2012): What honeypie said is as true as it gets. She is making you miserable right? That is why you are here. She will eventualy move on to someone else and then you will become the bad guy. You will be the jealous abusive ex who drove her onto dating sites. I know what I am talking about, believe. Your relationship with her will never work.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2012): Sorry to say this but she is looking for someone she thinks is better than you...its only a matter of time before she does find that person and she doeant come back...at least for a while anyway...when the other guy gets the same treatment....move on is my advice
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 November 2012):
 Einstein said it the best..
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Albert Einstein
If you KNOW she will NOT stay off the dating site, she will NOT take responsibility for her action and she will not stop casting the blame on you... WHY do you keep going back to her?
Do you honestly think you can change her?
Honey, what you have in your pants is not a magic wand. It can't FIX someone like her because she doesn't think she is doing ANYTHING wrong. And some how she actually manage to make you think it IS your fault.
You have one option to regain your sanity. END it with her and STAY split up. She isn't good for you and you aren't good for her. End it and go no contact, don't let her weasel her way back.
...............................
A
female
reader, Jeanette82 +, writes (26 November 2012):
 I dont think you should be planning any kind of future with her. She is abusing you mentally and it puzzles me why you would even think about wasting any more of your life on her.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2012): She has no respect for you (or herself for that matter). You cannot teach an old dog new tricks. At her age she isnt likely to change.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (26 November 2012):
 You ask: " Is there any hope of turning this relationship around?"
Probably not. AND (here's some "good" news).... you'll feel much better when this relationship DOESN'T "turn around".... and you can resume your life with a REAL "girlfriend" who isn't a player-girlfriend. It's a great situation to be in!!!!!
Good luck....
...............................
A
male
reader, somewhere_between +, writes (26 November 2012):
 She aint gonna change. It is you who should change. You should man up and face up to who she really is and make a permanent exit.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2012): She is a lost cause..at least in a relationship with YOU. Leave her and never go back to her. Cut out all contact with her. I know this is probably something you don't want to hear, but that's the best thing to do at this point.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2012): It is unlikely that she will change her behavior. She is filling some sort of pathological void in her life by engaging in these actions.
Avoid the drama by ending the relationship.
If she is prepared to come clean, not play the blame game and seek counseling, you could consider taking her back after a year.
Depends on how much more time you want to invest in a demonstrated liar and cheat.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 November 2012):
IF you are catching her on dating sites, then you don’t trust her and rightfully so.
It’s common for cheaters to place the blame on the partner to try to protect themselves from looking bad.
This is NOT about you not being good enough, in fact, just the opposite, she’s the one that’s not good enough and she has issues that she’s not able to cope with so she acts out by going on dating sites to either cheat on you, or stroke her own ego… not saying it’s right but it is what it is.
She has a history of cheating…
Personally I hold no hope for her changing at 44. I would consider ending the relationship as soon as you are able.
...............................
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (26 November 2012):
 Hi
No hope of changing her, the best thing you can do is to walk away and stay away.
Your being her doormat,her fall-back man. She has a history of cheating. Just stop all contact because when she meets Mr Right (or Mr Right Now) she will be gone.Don't listen to her reasons or excuses, its not you, its HER who is wrong, so don't fall for that line.
...............................
A
female
reader, Jeanette82 +, writes (26 November 2012):
I do not think you will ever change her. I have been on the receiving end of the mentioned internet behavior. Attached people who do it are not ordinary people like the rest of us. You will never understand their logic and I don`t think they understand it themselves. You have never caught her meeting any guy, but what are dating sites for? Her ex husband was abusive. Have you seen that for yourself or did she tell you that? I don`t think her words are something you can really rely on. I think this is it now for the rest of her life. I think she has got far more in common with her internet friends than she has with you. You can do a lot better than her.
...............................
A
male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (26 November 2012):
 She cheated on her "abusive" husband? Was he really abusive or did he simply reject her unreasonable behaviour and got branded that? Something about this past of hers is also part of her present. To be honest with you, I don`t think anything will change her. I would walk out and not walk back to her next time. It is not you who`s at fault, it is her.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2012): No i dont think there is much hope of turning this around because if that were possible, i am sure it would have happened by now. You are looking at this all wrong. You are dating a serial cheater. There is NOTHING wrong with you, other than your habit of forgiving a serial cheater too often.
The problem lies with your partner and that, you can not change. You can only change your own behavior. You need to begin accepting that this is how she conducts herself and you cant alter that fact. Then you need to accept that she doesnt want to change for you because she enjoys what she is doing too much.
It is not a case of YOU not being good enough. She is not good enough, that is the bottom line and that is what`s making you unhappy. She will continue to make you unhappy, until you put a stop to it by showing her the door and giving yourself the chance to meet someone who will be faithful and loyal. There will be someone out there just perfect for you but they are not being given a chance to meet you, because you are hung up on this woman who is quite frankly, wasting your precious time x
...............................
|
