A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi aunts and uncles. Could really do with some words of wisdom or advice on how to feel better. Or brutal honestly haha! I'm turning 31 in one week and I'm dreading it! I'm still single, I still live with my mates in a house share I have no money, own nothing and earning not great in an ok job. I feel like I have nothing and I'm scared i'm now never going to meet anyone, own house, do well in career as I'm too old for it all and I'm dreading meeting guys now as feel as soon as I say I'm 31, their be turned off me, think too old and a has been (all of my friends are in relationships/engaged and are 28/29 years of age - I'm only single one and the oldest! :( ) I'm just above average I'd say in looks department and Im slightly overweight for my small height. I also look about 21... Which I hate and is bane of my life.,as I don't get taken seriously at work or by men of marriage age or by anyone (I get 22 year olds after me - so I'm never going to meet anyone half decent and my age) Anyway I left school at 15 and was made homeless at 17 after a struggle I went back to study ended up going to university and travelling and then got job in a media company (although shocking pay) I did this for few years before landing in my current job of a few months - the pay is better, but for 31, I'm on what most 26 year olds are on. But least i'm earning something.... My job ok, but not great. But I don't know what else to do! I've tried so many things! What worries me is the fact I'm now too old to meet a man live with him and do all of that stuff. I'm also feel down that I don't my own house or anything (although this is my aim this year) I love my housemates but I feel at 31 i m to old to do this! But I worry I'll be spinster on my own and left on shelf as my biggest fear is no ones going to want me as I'm too old. I feel like I have nothing, I was seeing a guy for past year who was a few years younger then me, he was my dream man, good looking, ( way too good looking for me) successful, and what I thought was lovely. Although in hindsight he kept me secret from everyone and made me feel i wasn't that pretty ( well not enough for him) He told me from start he didn't want a relationship etc. anyway, I started my job a few months ago and there is this girl who is a former model, she's incredible looking, like a girl from a loreal advert, plus she's funny, nice and sweet. She's 4 years younger then me and she is my boss ( and her salary is 3x mine lol) she also lives in her own flat in the city and is very educated and successful.... She's stunning and I worried from the start of them meeting as knew from their description of ideal partners they'd love each other, I think I should just set them up, as I know when a guy says doesn't want relationship, it means doesn't want one with you... And when he talks about ideal woman he literally describes my boss and she describes him....They've seen each other and can't stop talking about each other!.... I'm not "seeing him" anymore, he finally ended it with me few weeks ago, as said he saw nothing more from us. But I constantly worry his going to after my boss. And she would go with him! I go in everyday and I'm jealous of her, like said she's younger, more successful, and is a model.... It's sicking how perfect she is for him! I just feel like a failure, I'm 31 and left on shelf and all women are like my boss and younger, more scuessful and there getting the guys. So what hope is there for me, I have nothing to offer!
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at work, jealous, money, my boss, overweight, university Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2012): 1. Start by not worrying about outcomes. Take this in deep.
2. Do things you enjoy. Do things for yourself.
3. Go out and meet people. Meet men. Meet someone who genuinely interests you.
4. Don't compromise. If he doesn't treat you properly (#1 and #2 should help develop more self-respect) he's not worth your time.
5. Go back to #1, especially in a time of a "failure".
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2012): Dear Anonymous,
You're turning 31 in one week which means you are in the prime of your life :) You may not see that now, but you really are.
When you say you are "still" single, and "still" living with mates in a house share, nobody is judging you for that. There is no law that says: thy shall be married by 21, if by 31 thou has not married, thou shalt be hanged ;-) I'm teasing yes, but I'm trying to get a smile out of you.
Why am I bringing humour into this answer? well, you want to feel better and I can assure you, I was not married at 31, or kids, or own house, and I can safely say you will still be happy.
Sometimes, we have to look more at the blessings WE DO HAVE, rather than what we DON'T have. You are turning 31, are you healthy? there, 1 point already. You have good education because you wrote a great question piece - point 2. You have a job - many people pray for that right now. Get the idea? You need to re-look at your life, and identify what are all the wonderful things you do have. About your job - what is positive about it? About your family? About your real friends? About yourself - don't compare to other people, but identify what have you always gotten compliments about? What do you enjoy or love about yourself? What is unique about you? Think of those things, and journal. Build your self esteem. Go through the serenity prayer, and see what can you change about you and your life, etc. what can't you change, and what do you need courage to accept? Things like weight are easy because it fluctuates with most people. We are human, and some put on, some lose when they are stressed or unhappy. it's something that can be worked on. Many success stories online. Things like height are not changeable, except for shoes :) and you can dress right for your body shape. Things along those lines. Research on the internet, there is lots of advice about fashion for our type, accessories and little things like a simple hair cut to give us a confidence boost. Those are outward things.
Internal, work on self esteem. Follow your heart - your passions and interests and hobbies. While pursuing them, you will find like minded people and make new friends who will have the same interest as you.
You mention money is tight - you can do things that don't require much money but can make a big difference to someone else. Like helping a family member or friend with a project. They will be grateful and your attention and time will be valued, and you will feel better.
You really are not too old for anything. It's your mindset. Believe that you are still at the prime of your life, and your whole future is ahead of you. You can save and work hard, give it everything, so that you will be recognised and who knows if you can be promoted one day, or find something elsewhere that pays better for what you are currently doing with a possibility of promotion.
If you compare to your friends who are all engaged/in relationships then you will feel despondent, but try not to compare. Are they really happy, when all is said and done? Many people can be together yet still feel very lonely. Couples split up. Not everybody is happy in relationships, or you would not get so much advice being sought. Instead of comparing, rather focus on what you can do - be the happiest single person you can be. Enjoy the freedom, not being accountable to anyone, doing whatever you want, whenever you want. There is fun in being single, and fun in being in relationships, and whatever situation we find ourselves in, we should always make it the best we can. I was happy single. I thrived, I attended various church groups, social outtings, met up with friends, saw movies, pursued music and books, and was busy all the time with my hobbies and sport and life.
Did I want someone special just for me? YES, because I am a hopeful romantic, BUT, you can't put your life on hold until the guy comes along. You can't also have the cinderella syndrome that only if a guy comes along will you be happy. Also, you can't rely on a guy to make you happy. YOU must be a complete, happy, fulfilled person and when and if someone comes along, it is to share your lives together and make it doubly happy, rather than expecting that person to make you happy. So you need to get balance in your life. About yourself, your career, your interests and passions, and while pursuing life at full throttle, when you least expect it, love will come to you :)
Also, don't keep thinking 31 and the clock is ticking, etc. I saw my 20, 30 and I am now in my 40's (41) but I could not RUSH to get a guy, get married, so I could have children. You have to enjoy life, live it fully, and what will be, will be. After some frogs, and some liars and cheats, I continued doing what I said above. I was a happy single, meeting new people, following my interests, and chatting to guys online so I could learn what they are about, what makes them tick, and when I least expected it, one night while out for dinner with social friends who I have known for years, a chance enounter with one of their cousins, led to him getting my number, calling the next day, making his intentions clear, and we haven't been apart since :) (since Aug 2010). Am I too old to get married? says who! Am I too old to have children - only time will tell. But if I can't and we want them, I can adopt. Or get a puppy. Or baby sit for others. You can't FORCE life. You have to go with the blessings you get. He is a wonderful man, good heart, kind and gentle, yet strong and sure, and everything I ever wanted. Did he appear in my 20 or 30's? NO. But it's a good thing he didn't, because it gave me all that time to establish who I am, what I want and don't want, and to learn some lessons along the way so that when he came along, I could spot a good thing when I saw it. I can appreciate him knowing he is a keeper, a treasure. Why am I sharing all this? so you don't feel 31 is a life sentence, or the end. So you can see there is HOPE, and a FUTURE for you.
Looking younger than your age is also a blessing :) you may not think that now, but it is. I too get that all the time, people think I'm 10 years younger than I really am, and that is great. It means less make up and stuff others have to work so hard to conceal. Enjoy that magic :)
If it's an issue at work, do things that change that. Dress professionally, and act professionally. That will go a long way towards them respecting you, and your real age.
I take my hat off to you for surviving through such tough times. Leaving school at 15, and homeless by 17. I'm very sorry for whatever led to that happening. I feel for you, and at the same time I respect you for it. You have survived despite the odds. You are a success story. Don't give up now. Everything you have, it's been through YOU. Raise your head high, and believe in yourself, even if others don't. Only you know what you have been through, and what it has taken to get you to where you are.
Don't worry about society's standards or expectations. If you meet someone who cares about YOU, they won't judge you for where you live - they will be interested in YOU, as a person. So if finances are tough, nothing says you must change your living arrangements at all. Work through your short, medium and long term goals, and work on those. While you do that, perhaps someone will come along and sometimes it can take people 6 years to date and marry, and others 6 weeks! So never say never :)
The guy you dated the past year didn't do you any favours! Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so WHO SAYS he was better than you? He kept you secret, didn't want a relationship, but got all the benefits from it. I would say, in future, don't drop your standards, set boundaries and be good to YOU. You deserve better!
So even if your boss and he end up together, don't let it get to you. He wasn't the one for you, look how he treated you. There will be someone better. Also, don't compare yourself to her. It does not help any of us if we compare ourselves to movie stars either, or touched up magazine covers. Rather, focus on you - the real you, and the wonderful things you have to offer. Your strong spirit, your survivor attitude, your desire for more.
You need to look at the positives, and ignore the negatives. The more you focus on what you ARE grateful for, the more your mindset will shift towards being more positive and happy with who and what you are, and what you really do have. A good heart that won't lie and cheat. Someone loyal and faithful. Those are wonderful things to offer, than someone flaky who will turn their heads to the next good looking thing that comes along. Who wants that?
I hope this pep talk has helped. You sould like someone who would make a good friend, and like many in the world who are in their 30's, you just have to remain positive and hopeful and never give up. There are many single 30 somethings, you just can't force it. Live life fully, do everything you want to do, and one day it may surprise you when someone comes along when you least expect it.
Good Luck! Thinking of you and wishing you the best, and LOVE.
xxxx E
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (23 January 2012):
 Grrrrrr...
After reading your post, I just wanna shake you...like really slap you and say
'Good God Girl, why the hell are you treating yourself so bloody badly???'
Why are you torturing yourself with weird distorted negative thoughts when you have so much going for you????
Why are you torturing yourself by imagining that you have so little value that you are imagining a scenario where you set up your ex with your boss??? That's crazy talk that is going to feed your pain and dissapointment.
You are 31...31...still a baby!!! I would trade with you tomorrow!!! seriously if I was 31 again there would be so much more that I would do differently.
You are feeling bad because you have given away ALL power and control over your own happiness and placed it in the hands of a couple of people who either don't care about you (your ex) or are oblivious to what is bugging you (your boss)...
You are also second guessing the future, feeding yourself endless negative commentaries:
'I'm too old' (You are much younger than me and I ain't old)
'I'm short' (It never stopped Madonna, Joan Collins or Tom Cruise)
'I'm overweight' (Anyone can lose weight)
'I will never have my own place' (yup maybe not now because of the shitty recession...not your fault)
'I don't earn enough' ( I bet you earn more than me, I am 47 and live on 18,000 a year)
' I have nothing to offer' (Only because you are focussing on the negatives)
'I'm too old to meet a man' (umm...no you arn't)
on and on you go, running yourself into the groeund, allowing jealous feelings to eat you away and crappy 'I hate me' thoughts drive you into the floor?
WHY??? Is it easier just to give up?
Is there any fight left in you?...any drive?
What ya got left? What's in the box?...Is it so empty that you may as well throw yourself under a bus??
You need a vacation from worry, pain, dissapointment, suffering, longing, lost hopes, fear of the future...you need to pull the plug on those emotions so your brain, your inner being and your self esteem can begin to repair itself.
You need to have time to regroup, really focus on the positive things that you are in possesion of like your job, your education, your friends. Focus on what is factual and reliable in your life.
Forget the ex...there are maybe only a handful of special people we can identify with and trust in our lives. They will make us feel special, mean what they say, follow through with loving actions and always be there for us. THESE ARE THE ONES WE HOLD ONTO AND FIT INTO OUR GANG.
Then there is everyone else...who will draw us in, use us up, mistreat us, make us feel unloved or unwanted, change their minds, withdraw friendship of love, ignore us and not really give a flying f**k about us. THESE ARE THE ONES WE LET GO OF QUICKLY BECAUSE THEY CAN HARM US AND DO NOT BELONG IN OUR GANG!!
You are pinning all hopes thats your life can only be a success if you have a relationship and someone loves you. This is the biggest lie we tell ourselves, because it is rammed into us through religion, politics, the media and our peers from a very early age...It's all rubbish. Yes it's nice to be loved and wanted but not if we hate ourselves in the first place. Being with someone, even someone who treats you badly will never make us a better and more happier person inside...I have the T-Shirt on that particular one...so I know it doesn't work.
If you are jealous of your boss, then why not change jobs or move to another department. Don't tell yourself she's perfect for your ex just because she's hot...maybe shes a nightmare or has really stinky feet!! or secretly binges on wagon wheels and throws up. You don't really know her and she isn't aware how you feel so give the girl a break and stop judging her.
Work on yourself, do things that you enjoy and forget the idea of being in a relationship for a while.
Seriously you have loads of time. I have a friend who didn't date until she was 44 (shy, short, bookworm, workaholic, control freak). Met a guy and within a year had married him and became pregnant...they are still together 17 years on.
You don't know what is around the corner, can't predict the future, but you can choose to be miserable or to be ok and forgiving with yourself...it's your choice.
Now I want to hug you, tell you it's going to be ok and that there is nothing to fear but fear itself.
Oh and incase you are wondering. I am single, live on a low wage, have a life (not perfect but enjoyable) and I just make the best of what I have.
Join me in the real world and keep your chin up
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
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