A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I got engaged a week or two after meeting. Things went really fast, but we felt we were madly in love and everything was wonderful. When I met him I knew he had been in a previous 6 year abusive relationship in which both parties constantly cheated on each other. This resulted in them having a child, but no longer being together. They had been apart for almost 3 years when we met. I loved him for who was and not his past mistakes, so I was still willing to move forward. Well about a month and a half into our engagement I found out I was pregnant. In this instance he freaked ... he has no contact with his other child because due to all their hardships the woman left, moved out of state, and to this day tells him never to let their son know he is the father. So we decided on an abortion, especially with things being so new. Yet to be honest part of me really wanted to keep the child. We had a mutual friend who dated a girl in porn. A few months later, after meeting his family and his pastor as his fiance, I found out the way he came up with the money for my abortion was by participating in a porno with this girl who was dating his friend. They were all there together when the discretion occurred, and we hung out almost everyday as a foursome, though I never trusted the situation and only hung out because it was his best friend. Never in a million years would have have thought he could do such a thing, nor could I have ever believed he would do such a thing even as a single man. So naturally I felt majorly betrayed and disgusted by this act, yet after discussing the situation with him further, and under the circumstance I chose to stay and try to make it work. After a year and a half of living with each other I still never let it go. I would harass him daily about it, pulling up her pictures, telling him how disgusting he was, throwing it in his face every time the thought of it occurred to me. I never let him live it down, which in turn led to us fighting everyday, sometimes even immediately after making love. He still stayed until this May ( which would have been a month before our 3 year anniversary) in which he finally moved out, which in his words was "to make this work". He said he loved me but I obviously was never going to forgive him and he could not live this way. He thought maybe if we weren't under the same roof distance might make us stronger and realize what we once had. Of course I was devastated and felt that his move meant we were officially over. Though I battered him about his mistake I truly loved him I just couldn't let it go. It ate at me, a lot of the time when things were going good. I sort of see it as a defence mechanism. Any way, he moved and so did I. We never lost contact, though we still fought cause I was so heart broken. Him being so far away only fueled my thoughts on how much easier it would be for him to see other women living in a bachelor pad with two other men not in relationships. He continued to stay at my place at least 3-4 days per week. Things were always hot and cold with us. At one point we even agreed to break it off cause we were constantly hitting the same brick wall. Well this August I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant. So we decided to again make it work. Things were still rocky, but I never brought up the past. We still had problems, our sex life on the rocks, and communication still poor, but we still planned to move back in together. About a week ago I found pictures of him and another woman. Photos he had taken with his phone. Her in his sheets, on his chest, and them kissing. I confronted him and he confessed to a 2 week fling with a woman whom he worked with for a brief time. This fling took place in September while we were still seeing each other and I was about 2-3 months pregnant. This was the one thing he promised never to do again !! I can't help but feel I pushed him away with my constant degrading, but this is the exact reason I could never let it go. This was the moment I was dreading !! He said he felt their affair at the time was a beautiful thing. Though now he claims to have lost everything. He asks me what does he do now. I told him to move on, I just can't forgive him twice, I am so scared. It was hard enough the first time. I don't know if this was the only time, just the only time i know of. He says he loves me and always will. I feel he has been unhappy for a long time, party due to me. I feel he could have easily left if he didn't love me. We live an hour away, and he hasn't had a car in awhile so he takes the bus just to come my way. At the same time i think I'm just fooling myself, and if he truly loved me he couldn't have cheated. Now let me say I love this man with all my heart. I am devastated, and even more devastated to imagine a life without him. I am 6 months pregnant with his child, and moving back home to relieve my stress and get a fresh perspective. He keeps coming by to help me pack, but we do not talk about what happened and I have not yet chose to forgive and take him back. Though deep inside I want to just be in his arms. We both know we need to be cordial for the sake of the baby, but that is were we have left it. I guess my question would be if you feel there is any hope for us in the future. I wanted this to be my family, him to be my husband. I just feel we've been down such a long road of pain and have no clue if there is any chance in coming back from it. I don't know if I'm just being heartsick or if this man is even worth trusting, or if he'll just do it again the next time I forgive. I am so lost, and this child on the way makes this that much harder. Please help. I sure could use some advice.
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abortion, affair, anniversary, best friend, engaged, fiance, kissing, money, move on, moved out, porn, sex life Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2008): Dear Poster
I have empathy with you feeling hurt and confused. Yes,you are in a very difficult situation; unfortunately you might not like everything I have to say, but believe me, it is not my intention to hurt you or to upset you; I am merely trying to give you my opinion to the best of my knowledge and ability.
Firstly, I think you need to concentrate on your pregnancy and your unborn baby; you need to try and focus on that for now; speak to this guy and ask him to be patient and to be around to support you and the pregnancy but that the two of you can sort things out in due course.
Secondly, if both of you are committed and want to make this relationship work, both of you will have to go for individual and couples counseling. You, personally need counseling to (apart from maybe other things too), learn to let go of the pain and hurt of your abortion; the pain and hurt from him cheating;you will need to, via counseling find ways to communicate with each other and learn to let go of the past. You will have to be able to forgive and move forward.
This might sound easy but it will be a very long and difficult road; however you will have to learn to respect each other; to trust each other and hopefully love each other enough to overcome your sexual problems.
Thirdly, without counseling and lots of love, commitment, caring, trust and honesty you will be wasting your time trying to resolve your problems and it might be better for you to start a new life and future for you and your child.
Personally I would not give him another chance; but the choice is yours; HOWEVER, you have to think of your child now more then yourself. You need to be in a happy and stable environment to raise your child.
Please do think very carefully, don't make any hasty decisions, will you be able to trust him, or respect him again? Do you love him another chance? Is this the kind of person you want around your child whilst growing up?
Take our time; let him proof himself in the meanwhile by giving you support and helping you to prepare for your child, but don't allow him into your life completely unless you have been through counseling etc and you are sure that is what you want; start going for counseling a.s.a.p, but don't make any decisions about the future with him until after your baby is born.
Do take good care of your health and your pregnancy; try to relax and not add extra stress on yourself; it is not good for your unborn baby; if he loves you he will value and respect this wish!
Best wishes; you are not alone, we are here for you anytime; please keep me posted.
Lots of hugs and smiles.
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