A
male
age
36-40,
*lackjack
writes:First a little background information I am a 24 year old male and my ex is two years older than me. We met though a mutual friend and at first did not really see much attraction I was the quiet guy that did not talk much. At a party last year we caught each other’s eye and talked a lot and found out we had a lot in common, we spent a few nights together. After a few days we decided to go out and had a good time and had a nice date and dinner together, and started to really enjoy each other’s company. We both fell deeply in love with each other. I had not had a girlfriend before and was kind of new to all of it but I seemed to be doing fine, she liked me and did not really care that I had not dated before. We ended up having sex after dating for a few months and I was still a virgin but lied to her about some stories of girls in the past because I was insecure and did not feel adequate next to her history of more guys then me. She had had two real boyfriends in her past and both ended badly one cheated on her and the other just kind of fizzled I guess when she moved. She said she was not looking for a boyfriend when she found me and just kind of fell into it which I did too.I was a college graduate but had kind of fooled around and not gotten a job yet for almost a year, and when she started dating me it had just been over a year since graduation, again I was nervous about rejection and finding a good job, and honestly not that motivated. She was more of a go getter and tried to help me get a job for a few months but I did not really seem to help it, and it became a point we fought about she still loved me but could not understand why I did not have a job, and honestly I did not have a good answer for her. Despite all of this things between us still were going fairly well and we were happy together. After a few months of dating my parents pulled me home to put me to work and so for the next four months we had a long term relationship, she was not happy about it and missed me, luckily I lived only an hour plane ride or a half day drive so I was able to see her every few weeks. After a few months at home working I moved back to the city she was in and was kind of in a limbo place with no job lined up and I was living with her. I thought she was cool with this but I found out later it put a strain on her cause I was always around. After a few weeks of stress and tension she tells me she wants to break up and have me move out, she still cares for me but does not feel that she loves me and it would be best if I was not living with her. So I move out and in with some friends and we still talk and email and I end up getting a job about a week and a half after she kicked me out, we are still saying I love you and I miss you at this point. We start to hang out more and do kind of the old date stuff we used to and I was under the impression that things were going better, however two weeks ago she tells me she feels pressure from me to have a relationship and she does not want to do that right now. She said that she feels I was not focusing on myself and my happiness and instead was focusing more on the relationship and making her happy, and that I needed to be a whole person and find out what makes me happy before I try and pursue a relationship.At this point I will say that I told her I had lied to her about having sex with people and she was mad about that, not so much what I had lied about but the fact that I had felt the need to lie to her and not trust her. Also after she kicked me out I went back one night to take care of her when she was sick and puking all night, and while there I was scrolling though her phone and saw some flirting with an old guy she used to be with, I got mad and pissy and then the guilt set in and I told her I had seen it and she said yes she had sent it cause she was not feeling attracted to me at that time and she was drunk, and I do believe her, even if it was hard to hear. So as a result of this I have kind of damaged my trust with her.So since the break up she has emailed me asking how I am and in our emails she said she looks forward to the day we can be friends and just hang out, and that she looks forward to seeing me become a better person.So my question is this to all you people out there, Do I have a chance to have her back in my life as more than a friend or have I lost out on that??I know I have lots of flaws such as being lazy, and procrastination, and this is kind of the opposite of her but we still seemed to work out fine. She saw me as getting better for her and the relationship rather than myself and I can see her point on that, and she was frustrated that she feels like it took her breaking up with me to get me motivated.Since the last break up I have been going to the gym every day and making a list of goals and activities that I want to accomplish, and trying to get her out of my head so I am not an emotional wreck. I understand that she needs space and time and I am giving that to her and she has left it up to me when I want to hang out as friends.She still says she misses me as a friend but not romantically and that she does not feel the same love for me that she did. Am I just aiming to let myself get hurt again by holding out faith and giving her space and time and working on myself to become the healthy confident guy I know I can be? I apologize for the length of this question I just wanted to give as much back story as I could to help people understand where I was coming from. If you need any clarification or questions please feel free to ask I will try and answer them. I have never posted on a site like this and hope I can find some answers…..Thank You for your help.
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drunk, flirt, her past, I love you, insecure, my ex, needs space, still a virgin Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 July 2008):
 It sounds to me that you and she have different approaches to life. She is more of a go get it done kind of personality; you seem to me to be more laid back and take the approach that things will happen and life will take care of itself. I'm not judging you on your particular approach but it does seem to me that she wants a more proactive guy for a boyfriend/partner.
She also apparently has some concern that you're only trying to do things for her sake, for the survival of your romantic relationship. She would probably have preferred that you were working to fulfill your obvious potential without her kicking you in the butt.
So I think that she may now perceive you as a great guy with a great deal of potential but not a lot of energy or motivation. Your depiction of what happened in the relationship includes a lot of the passive tense. And this suggests that things happened to you, or around you, without you making them happen. Does that make sense?
Getting back to your question, is there any hope? Well, I'm very negative on this for you. You said that you still are working on becoming the healthy confident guy you could be. You need to move faster and with greater resolve and some kick ass, I'm going to get this done, and I will take charge of my life and I not let my tendency toward laziness and procrastination stop me kind of attitude.
That being said, I'm also brilliant at procrastination and queen of not getting things done, so I am actually feeling a great deal of kindred spirit with you. But I also think that pursuing a relationship with her would require so much energy and change on your part that I don't think it's really viable, unless you really took charge of changing your outlook on life. And that is one thing that is very difficult to change at this point.
You need to find a woman who does appreciate your laid back attitude; the woman you're writing about now, well, I really don't hold out much hope for you getting back together with her in a romantic, marriage is in the near future way.
Sorry for writing such a negative answer to your long and beautifully written tale of your courtship; I'm just giving you my opinion. I could be totally wrong; she could just be waiting for you to pop the question and get on with life, but I doubt it. Seriously, from one procrastinator to another, you will drive her crazy and she eventually will drive you crazy. Trust me.
Good luck, and I hope I gave you some things to think about.
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