A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My bf has a daughter who is 5 (I'll call her Mini) and she is still not potty trained. She also says "I love you" to everyone she meets. We get Mini for 1 week every month and during that week we usually have her pretty close to being potty trained (she doesn't wet or mess her pants once). But everytime we get her back from her mother she goes number two and pees in her pants. Her mom says that she doesn't have time. My bf and I work during the day M-F and his daughter is in daycare during that time. We inform the daycare that she is to be put on the potty every hour so she can get potty trained. This is also continued at home. Her mother also works 8 hours a day M-F, but her daughter is watched by whoever she feels like leaving her with (such as current bf's, friends, parents). I think she neglects to tell them to keep her on a potty schedule. We have tried to get her to have Mini go to the daycare we have her at, but she says she can't afford it (even though she has a fancy car, and I don't think I've ever seen her wear the same thing twice). This little girl needs consitancy and she doesn't have anything close to it.My bf and I have also went out to his cousin's for get togethers and his ex is their with Mini and it is 3 am. She yells at us for keeping her up past 8pm, but more than once we have seen her up past midnight. I recently talked to a social worker about her saying "I love you" to people she barely knows. This social worker told me that she more than likely has an attachment disorder. She explained that an attachment disorder is when a child does not form the proper attachment to their primary caregiver during the first year of life. She also went on to say that this disorder is usually seen in children who are adopted after they reach a year- 18 months old. I told Mini's mother this and her explanation was "It's not my fault, Mini just had a lot of different caregivers." How is that not her fault? She is the mother, it is her responsibility to keep consitancy in this child's life.Anyways, Mini is also left on our door step everytime her mother wants to go have fun. This happens usually 4 times a week, sometimes only twice. When we are unable to watch Mini, her mother revokes us from getting her once a month (there is no court ordered visatation, just child support). One time she left Mini with us and we were planning to go to the town's carnival. We took Mini along and we saw her mother there...why couldn't her mother have taken her with her? We have also noticed that Mini's shoes have gotten too small, and since my bf pays child support we told her mother to buy her some new shoes. She says that those are her daughters favorite shoes and she isn't in the mood to piss of Mini. So we went out and bought Mini the exact same shoes, but a size bigger. Mini had no problem wearing them.Mini is also VERY behind in her speech and mental developement. We can barely understand what she says. She speaks like she's two years old. She also does not know her colors, shapes, or numbers. She is starting school this fall, how is she going to learn anything if she doesn't even know the basics? I so much want my bf to try to get custody of her. I think we have a lot of good reasons why her mother can't care properly for her. He says he can't afford the legal fees and we will most likely lose the case. It's very rare that a child gets taken from their mother unless that mother is a druggy or abusive. She is neither one, but she is definetly neglectful.She had Mini get out of her apartment when Mini was 2 years old. Mini ended up on the side of a busy street before anyone did anything. Social services was called, but they didn't do any following up.I am so worried for Mini. I want her to have a life where she isn't wondering "who is going to take care of me today" or "why don't I get to see daddy anymore". I also worry that she will be sexually assaulted by her mother's bf's because the mother barely knows them herself before she leaves her daughter with them. Mini will most likely fail Kindergarten because she is so behind as it is. I really don't know what to do for her. The week we have just doesn't seem to be enough to make an impact on her life. She always reverts back by the time we get her again. Does anyone know what we can do to help her? Is there a way we could get custody of her without going bankrupt?
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2010): You have to be careful here and get proper legal advice and seek the advice of CPS. I would be reluctant to report every bit of minor neglect, as a few phone calls or visits from the CPS may make the mother decide to cut off contact or start becoming hostile towards you.
I'd recommend keeping a journal, note names, dates and places and start building a comprehensive record of all the little things and establish a pattern of behaviour.
I can't stress how important it is that you NOT let her leave this child with strange men, she already has developmental problems and a worrying attachment to strangers, I don't think I need to tell you how much more at risk she is to abuse by these men. This is not simple paranioa either it's way too common for these kind of things to happen and the more guys she's exposed to, the more likely it will happen, if it hasn't already.
I know this would be a kick in the teeth and it would feel like your life would depend on what she wants but you have to make sure if at all possible that you're available to take of her when the mother decides she wants to do other things, even if that means cancelling your own plans. This child is not getting the life she deserves because it seems that she's not high on the list of priorities in her mothers life, who seems to just want to party all the time.
Unfortunately the legal system in America favours the mother as you know, it would be very difficult to do anything, you can't force the mother to be a good mother and you need to build a solid case against her.
At the end of the day, find out everything you can from as many sources as you can, talk to teachers, daycare workers talk to anyone that has contact with this child and ask them how they find her social and mental development.
If you do have a solid case for getting custody, then frankly bankrupcy would be worth it. Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2010): Call child protective services everytime you witness a neglectful behaviour, when cps has enough claims they investigate, at which point the custody will automatically fall to your boyfriend
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2010): My primary concern would be the fact that she is being left with men her mother barely knows. That is exposing her to a risk which is not worth taking. Either you could give up work and be her primary carer during the day. Or your partner (her father) could pay for proper daycare for all four weeks a month instead of just one week a month. Seek legal advice and find out the costs involved in going for custody of her. As there is no custody agreement your partner has as much right to see the child as the mother does. They are both her parents. He should sit his ex partner down and DEMAND the childs life style is improved. He should also be ready to support her with the changes. He needs to make it plain to her that he will not tolerate the child being farmed out to strangers anymore. Sorry but i dont think hes asserting himself as her father strongly enough. He brought her into the world and its his responsibility to see shes raised right if the mother isnt doing it...even if it does mean going bankrupt to do it.
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