A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my fiancé have been together for almost 4 years lately I feel myself being more and more unhappy because I feel that I can’t balance time between him and my kids and myself. My fiancé seems to be very needy for my attention and when I can give it to him he craves it even more the intention I’m talking about is feasible he does like to cuddle and kiss a lot but it’s the way he does it that has me concerned he wants to lay on top of me all the time so I can’t move or go anywhere. he gets jealous when I give my sons attention. when I’m taking a shower he Pulls up a stool over the shower to watch me take a shower he keeps kissing me all over my face even when I tell him to stop he keeps doing it until I get firm and then he gets sad and I just don’t know how to handle this type of behavior. this is something new that I am experiencing and I’m trying to find a healthy balance because in a previous seven year relationship I was not given The physical love and affection I craved so it’s nice to have someone who speaks the same love language as I do but as time goes on I feel that his behavior is obsessive. He doesn’t maintain his hobbies anymore when he gets off work he wants to be with me and wants my attention nonstop. I don’t know where to draw the line but it’s making me uncomfortable like sometimes it feels like I’m dating a little kid not a man. Idk if I’m over reacting but it’s such a concern on my spirit how do you know when someone is obsessed with u? Is it healthy because to me it doesn’t seem like it I need help and advice
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2020): Your'e more like a toy he owns then a partner he loves. Don't ever let anyone get in the between you and your children. You created them and they need you. He's a grown man and doesn't constantly need "mommy"
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (29 April 2020):
 Hi Op,
Honey Pie number one comment is the biggest concern for me...And she is dead right.
Being jealous is bad enough. Being jealous of a man outside your home, who pays attention to you is expected. Being jealous of the affection you give your own kids...that is scary as hell.
Search the internet to see what partners like yours have done to the kids, because of that same jealousy.
This needs to be addressed last week, before you have regrets. Your motherly instincts are on high alert, that is why you are writing this post.
Do what you need to do to get this guy out of your life, before you make this statement..."I should of..."
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (28 April 2020):
You have a serious problem. It seems you have attached your self to someone who is jealous, needy controlling and insecure. Everything you described borders on abuse.
Any man who is jealous of your children is not worth keeping around. A man who watches you in the shower is creepy. Who kisses you all over your face when you tell him not to and then pouts when you force him to stop isn’t showing you love he’s showing you that he can control you.
This is not healthy for your children and at some point may become unsafe for you.
When this is over maybe the two of you want to get couples counseling but really if my daughter told me her fiancé was doing this to her I would warn her to run.
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A
female
reader, Wittie +, writes (28 April 2020):
It is important to have a life outside of your partner. How long have you been together? Has this gotten worse with time. He shouldn’t be making you feel guilty for wanting to spend time with your kids. That is a big red flag.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2020): One thing I find consistent in many posts regarding relationship-issues is that people don't straight-out talk to their partners. They argue, blow a gasket and yell, or "react" when their partner does something they don't like. They whine and complain like a child; when their partner doesn't do enough of what they want and need. They don't have calm adult-discussions. Why?
Covid-19 quarantine is the best time to sit with your significant-other, and work things out. Have a discussion, not a grievance-session where you sit there telling them how $h!tty they are. That's not a discussion. It's an attack!
If you commit yourself to a person you can't talk to; then you are in a world of trouble. They will do all sorts of annoying things, or will deny you what you need in the relationship; while you sit there like a dummy, and don't know how to talk to them. Even worse, you know they won't listen! Then why the hell would you be with anybody like that??? An obstinate, annoying, or self-centered person shows their true-colors early-on in a relationship, because they can't hide it. I've never met one that could. It's my deal-breaker, and what I look for first and foremost; before I hitch my horse to that wagon!!! Can we talk?
When my partner and I hit a snag, the first thing we do is talk about it. We're mature enough to talk without getting into an argument over small-stuff; and because I read these posts and advise others, I have to practice what I preach. I was taught from a small-child; use tact and diplomacy, reach a reasonable-agreement, or compromise with people. One of the things we do in partnerships is negotiate. We compromise, and we discuss what we both need from each-other. Then we deliver. If they won't, after many attempts to work it out; then somebody's got to go! No ifs, and's, or buts!!! Why hold-on to somebody who does nothing you want them to do, but always doing something you don't!
What could be more stupid? I mean seriously?!!
I have to admit it was much later in life that I learned how to set my boundaries; because I hate conflict. I found that I had more conflict when I let something slide too long; until I just got angry and blew-up about it. Then I hurt feelings, created unnecessary tension; and ended-up apologizing to someone else, who should be apologizing to me!!! I learned how to modify behavior that went against the grain without always having to lay-down the law. I would speak-up as soon as it occurred. I'd ask if they wouldn't do that anymore, because I don't like it. I'd say very firmly:"I'd appreciate if I didn't have to bring it up again. It makes me very uncomfortable." If it happens again, then my response is: "I've asked you not to do that. Why wouldn't you respect me enough to listen to me?" Then I set the timer, and wait and see how long before that person is ejected out of my life!
Now I've never really been in a relationship with a person who ignored me, if I seriously let them know something bothered me. I have had situations that I repeatedly had to ask my partner not to do certain things I didn't like. I'm not perfect, sometimes I had to be reminded a few times myself. I listen when my partner tells me to stop doing something he doesn't like. It registers with me; because the point is to get along. I want there to be traction or some impact when it's my turn again. I want peace and harmony. I don't want to have to parent my full-grown, educated, self-supporting partner like a three year-old.
I really really hate being placed in a situation that I have to angrily address an issue; because someone ignored me when we have had a talk about something numerous times. It might take a few times to stop certain things that were habitual; but I've addressed it directly and firmly. I said what I meant, and meant what I said. I'm never wishy-washy, or whiny. I just speak to adults like they're adults. With children, I don't mind having to repeat it as often as necessary; but it is still said firmly, I address the behavior directly, and make it clear I don't plan to keep repeating myself about the same-thing. They always cooperate, because I assert my authority; and I use my words. I don't cringe, coil, drawback, or act like a big-baby. I don't get snappy. I don't like snappy-people!
Who the hell do they think they are?
Get your partner to sit-down. Explain to your partner that there is only one you, and many people you love. There is enough love to go-round; but he has to wait his turn. You love kissing and affection; but not smothering. Call it that. You told him about how you liked it, now he's showering you in it; because he thinks that's what you need. Now be gentle and to the point; or it will stop altogether. If you don't chose your tone carefully, you will convey the message you don't want it at all. Communication is how you work things out with people; and you address one issue at a time. You don't go-off, and start ranting about all the things that upset you, or what you don't like. That's the reason men don't like discussing relationship-issues. It becomes a nag-festival. Who wants to sit through that?
If you are an adult, you have experience dealing with other adults and children. You know how to talk, and you know how to communicate in many different ways. You have to learn how to use tact. Set your boundaries; but prepare for the push-back, or expect people to be shocked. They aren't used to you meaning what you say, and they aren't used to you being direct. They are used to you losing your cool and going-off, being reactive on the moment; then apologizing afterwards. Then instead of making them behave, you dismiss the issue with nothing accomplished. You're left to stew over it, without discussing it directly, so it will stop. Your kids always come first. Adults don't compete for attention with children; because they get a totally different type of attention. There is a time and a place for everything. Either set things straight, or stew in it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2020): FGS how old is he? He seems to be 10 years old if he is jealous of your children. Honestly he is being ridiculus. What kind of a behaviour is this for a grown up man? I was going to suggest that you dump him but I am afraid that he will die if you do. I hope he grows up.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 April 2020):
 OK, you NEED to set some boundaries here.
1. your children shouldn't be seen as competition for your affection by your partner, that is really not good.
2. you should BE able to take a shower in PEACE and quiet if you so desire without him "supervising". That is just too much.
3. Alarm bells are going off because this is NOT normal-loving behavior. That is him being POSSESSIVE. I mean FFS you can't even shower without him SITTING in the same room?
4. He is manipulative. You say "he keeps kissing me all over my face even when I tell him to stop he keeps doing it until I get firm and then he gets sad. No he doesn't really get "sad" he is just USING that expression to get what he wants and that is full control OVER access to you.
5. "he wants to lay on top of me all the time so I can’t move or go anywhere." Just no. This again seems like a dog with a bone, HIS property.
This isn't really healthy.
If you want to continue dating this one, YOU need to sit him down and talk boundaries. But it ALSO means that YOU need to be firm about this and not "give in" because he "looks" sad.
Is he at all involved with the children? Is he good with them and to them? Does he help out with them or are they just really his competition for you attention and affections? Because for ME that would be the MOST important thing in a partner.
How is his relationship with his mom? His dad?
If setting FIRM boundaries doesn't help, then really the only option is to end it.
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A
male
reader, Justryingtohelp  +, writes (27 April 2020):
Assuming he's always been like this, why have you stayed with him and even got engaged? You are sending him the message that his behaviour is not only acceptable but actually good.
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (27 April 2020):
 Set strong boundaries.
Babe i love you and love way you love me but i need some time for myself to rejuvenate so i can come back to you and my boys with more energy.
Its feels great be together but tuesday and thursday evenings i really would enjoy some alone time. But fridays love to go on date nights.
Be clear, vocal, firm. Some men are little children, you have set boundaries. When thsy behave, you can reward them again. Be firm
If he resists, you may have seek counseling or breaking up. He is violating boundaries and seems unhealthily have no interest beyond you.
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