A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi! My question is slightly controversial (so humble apologies in advance!). Is there a 'right way' to ask out a married woman at work? Is the protocol different vs asking out single women at work? I know I should really consider married women to be 'off limits' but then the heart does tend to rule the head at the end of the day. I'm not saying I'm going to ask her out, but am interested in whether with married women you have to put your cards on the table and define the parameters of your intentions right from the outset, whereas with single women I guess you have a blank canvass to write on as you progress through the relationship. I'm a little confused (and a little in love to be honest - ooops!). Many thanks (starting to hurt, etc.)!
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male
reader, cuck counselor +, writes (28 August 2008):
yeah there is a right way..........ask Both she and her husband
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2008): ...well, we’ve had the women’s perspective and a man’s perspective, now let’s have a balanced perspective. I work for a multi-national pharmaceutical company. I have a degree but am surrounded by far more intelligent people than myself including men and women with doctorates etcetera. Predominantly our organisation is R&D based. These are confident people by all accounts, safe in the knowledge that they have found their little niche in society and are earning an honest crust with the health of the public at large a fundamental aspect of the job. These are good honest hardworking people. Let’s not beat about the bush, the majority would surely have been ‘late developers’ in terms of forming sexual relationships. Heavens – I know I was! Put simply, the high status high earning folk I see around me on a daily basis at work would very possibly have been considered ‘uncool’ during their formative years – the class geeks if you will. When others around them were out dating and talking about boys/girls (delete as appropriate) they could well have been engrossed in a scientific text book and trying hard to be top of the class. These folk have grown up now but they could well be lacking in terms of social skills and how to spot indicators of interest from the opposite sex – men and women included. That’s right – many may have arrived at their late twenties or early thirties with barely a notch on the bed post to rub between them. The job is demanding. The job involves overseas travel. The job involves working late at night and at weekends. The job is all consuming. The job becomes your life and that means the boundaries between working life and social life are blurred. The dynamic has shifted. There are more women in positions of so-called ‘power’ than ever before. Then there are of course those statistics which show that many people are likely to meet their future husband or wife through work. For all the success stories there will be episodes of unrequited love. A man who has worked with married women and single women for a number of years only is likely to ask the married woman out on a date as an absolute last resort. This may be because he has feelings for her which may be knocking on the door of love. He is willing to risk his friendship with her and be prepared to move companies if the feelings are not reciprocated. Should he really be villified for making such an approach? Personally, I don’t think so. Asking a married woman out on a date and sexual harrassment do not go hand in hand. The key is that a married woman not wishing to be courted at work must conduct herself in a professional manner at all times. If she flirts excessively under the cover of a wedding ring then this might send out confusing messages. Let’s have another slice of reality pie, married life involves good times and bad. You can be sure that your ‘average’ married woman has experienced the absolute highs and the absolute lows that their spouse has to offer. There will be days when she may feel like flirting with the office hunk to make her feel good about herself. That is all well and good but she must always have half a mind on what kind of message she is sending out. Ultimately a man is entitled to ask a married woman out on a date if he should so desire. She should be socially astute enough to diffuse these kind of situations before they even happen. I’ve read entries elsewhere on this web-site in which a man sent a married woman Valentine gifts which were very well received by the woman. A flirtation ensued which resulted in the woman actually approaching the man. He then asked her out only to be rejected. Human Resources then had to mediate. I suspect that these two individuals were somewhat lacking in experience of the opposite sex down the years. That’s life sometimes. Who am I to judge. So, even if a man clearly thinks a married woman has given him a clear indicator of interest, he should not be surprised if she subsequently decides to turn him down. Good luck, Mr Lumberjack! P.S. Tisha-1 is wrong – men do not think with their balls all the time. I find her comments offensive on behalf of all decent, hard-working men. Your average working married woman is asked out EXCEPTIONALLY rarely – I am convinced of this (certainly in an R&D organisation!). How she handles the situation is all part of working life. We’re only human after all. But for sure, if he is rejected then he needs to exit the stage gracefully of course. This is not a moot point...
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A
male
reader, ChiRaven  +, writes (24 August 2008):
 The women have said it, now I'll add it from a guy's perspective. The women in the workplace may be tempting, and SEEM available, but the married ones are definitely "off limits". Even the single ones you should think carefully about getting involved with, because if you break up you're still going to have to deal with the every day after that.
So no, there IS no good way to ask a married woman for a date. If you want a date with her, you'll just have to wait for her to ask you. Don't hold your breath.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2008): I agree with the other posts... there isn't a right way, unless you're friends and you're suggesting going somewhere for lunch.
I'm sorry to say this, but most men are terribly thick when it comes to what they think women are thinking --- you're probably thinking she'll be at least flattered becuase, being a bloke, you probably look in the mirror and see the hottest thing on earth - even if you look like Saddam Hussein's ass. So, while you're thinking it's all great for her that you're asking her out, she's probably thinking "oh jesus, how do I get away from this idiot?!"
Save yourself a whole lotta embarrassment, friend (& a whole lotta explaining to HR) and keep both your mouth & your trousers zipped tight.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 August 2008):
 Sigh. You know, a woman generally gets married for a reason. She has chosen a man to be with for the rest of her life, she puts on a wedding ring, and she continues her working career. Most women who put on that ring do it to show their commitment to their marriage. It's a clear signal to those who may not know her that she's taken vows of fidelity, blah blah blah... So the protocol for asking out a married woman is, don't. You're going to make her feel uncomfortable if she is not attracted to you, she's going to be wary of you and you will make her working hours a bit of a nightmare. How is she going to avoid you while still doing her job? How can she turn you down politely without risking her job? It's just a no-win for her. And therefore, it is very selfish of you to even THINK about doing this. A) this is the workplace, not the go-find-somebody-to-have-a-f**kplace. B) she's married. Combine the two and you already have 2 strikes against you.
Just because a man fancies a woman doesn't give him permission to harass her at work. And you're setting yourself up for a visit from someone from HR.
When I was working, I was always irritated by men who came on to me. Even if I had respected them in the past, the minute they revealed themselves as willing to sleep with a married woman, they lost all standing with me. They became people to be avoided and somewhat pitied. Especially if they themselves were married.
So work through all the possible negative consequences of revealing your 'crush' on this married woman. Think logically, not with your heart or the other little unit between your legs.
Personally, I'd keep my mouth shut if I were you, and learn to live with unrequited love. It's part of growing up.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2008): Sorry babes, but there is no "right way" to ask out a married woman. It's very different from asking out a single woman, because there is more than you and her involved here. You will cause her tons of pain, and hurt her very badly. She is already part of a family, it will never just be you and her, her husband will be in her thoughts every moment that she is with you. If she feels attracted to you, she will be feeling guilty and dirty for cheating on her husband. A relationship with three people, and that's what it will be is pure torture. She will be wondering about her love for her husband, and hating herself for doing him wrong. If she has kids, then this will make things worse, and she'll be wondering what kind of mother she is. You too will get jealous, you will wonder what she dose at home when she is back with him. She will have to learn to lie, sneak and hide, and she will be disgusted with herself. Your in love, well good for you, but it can't be a very good kind of love, if you are gonna cause her and her family so much pain. To answer you question, you can't ask her out, you first have to become her best friend. If she has problems in her marriage, then you sympathetically support her and pretend that you really care..... BAD BAD IDEA, this sort of thing hurts everyone, her, her husband,her children, you, it hurts everyone. Go and get a new job and leave this married woman alone. She's got problems of her own and she dosen't need you to bring extra unhappiness and confusion into her life.
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