A
male
age
36-40,
*oc10787
writes:Is there a nice way to say "lets just be friends"?I just spoke to a female friend who I have known most of my life. We have been great friends through grade school and high school, and have a lot in common. In 2002, I left for college. She is a year younger than me, and therefore left for college a year later. Since I left, we haven't had much of a chance to speak or to see each other due to conflicting schedules. Now, almost 6 years after I first left, I have a job and she is in graduate school. After a conversation this past spring, we made a pact to be in touch more often. We still only see each other once every few months, and speak maybe once a week due to the fact that she is 600 miles away. Granted, this is much better than before, when we only heard from each other maybe a few times a year. She surprised me tonight when she called sounding stressed. She basically told me that she has romantic feelings for me. It hit me like a ton of bricks. She is a great friend, but I have always thought of her as a friend. I weaseled my way around the question by telling her I'm not ready for a serious relationship at this time (which isn't untrue, its just not the point), and she seemed to understand, but the question will undoubtedly arise again. If I tell her that I don't share her feelings, and that I just want to be friends, I'm afraid she would be crushed. How can I tell her I really do just want to be friends, without giving her some lame line like "lets just be friends"? Is there any way to say it without sounding like a prick?
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female
reader, scythe  +, writes (12 January 2008):
 hmm difficult situation... but from my experience there is no *painless* way to explain that you dont share her feelings.there are many mean and hurtful and crass ways to say this to her, but there are also ways that can soften the blow. but you must remember that she is going to feel hurt no matter what so just expect it. if and when this issuse comes up again, you should be truthful and firm with your answer (take the time to think about it in depth...) also, it may help if you are supportive rather than distant (like, tell her that you understand that she likes you) have you ever been on the recieving end of a "let's just be friends" situation? think back and try and relate to her
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2008): Well I'll be honest with you. If she really KNOWS and understands men and the whole dating scene, she will KNOW that when you said you "didn't want a relationship" what you really meant is that you don't like her in that way. Girls who have any sense know what that line really means. I have personally fed that same line to guys a few times when in fact I did want a relationship just not with him. And to this day, I back up that line 100% cause I think it is MEAN to tell someone straight out that you don't like them. So the "I don't want a relationship" line, that is like the universal, tactful "code" to get that point across. Most of my girlfriends know that too.
BUT if she is like alot of women, she might take what you said literally and just kind of wait for you to "change your mind" about "relationships."
You know her pretty well so I don't know how you think she may have interpreted what you said. Either she interpreted it realistically, or she didn't get the hint. But don't discredit her wisdom just yet. She may have very well gotten the hint, so don't press the subject any further and just keep being her friend and nothing more.
But if you REALLY want to be brutally "honest," I guess I would say something like, "We are friends. We have always been friends. And I have always seen you as a friend. That I want a relationship or not, is not the point, and I am sorry I even brought that up. The point is that I would like to keep you as a friend and I can't promise you more than that. But I can promise you that. And I care for you and I hope that you would like to keep being my friend." :)Good luck playa!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2008): Just curious, you have stayed in touch with this girl many years, and she is a good friend, you have much in common, you like her alot, why do you not share her feelings? Is she unattractive? Is it because you have not spent enough time with her in the recent past? Is it you are involved with or seeing someone else? Or could it be that you don't really know love when you see it? Like look in your own back yard, or right in front of your face kind of thing?
She may want to know why you don't share her feelings, and sometimes the truth hurts and is not unkind, but may change your friendship forever....are you sure you want to lose this girl? Are you sure that your feelings of friendship don't hold the power to the start of a great romance? Sit with your feelings and your thoughts for awhile before making this important decision....and then tell her if you are clear about what you want from her.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (11 January 2008):
 You have already told her that you are not ready for a serious relationship at this time. You have given her your answer. There is nothing more to be said.She knows where you stand. She knows you want her as a friend for now.She will be O.K Just act like normal to her.
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A
female
reader, Mushgirl  +, writes (11 January 2008):
 It's not your fault that you don't share her feelings. She must realise that you're not trying to hurt her... I don't see why she'd be offended if you told her that. Mind you, I don't know her, so you'll have to be the judge.
It probably took a lot of courage for her to tell you how she feels - so just try to be as supportive as possible. I know too many people who, the minute they know somene's interested in them, they'll lead them on and be really crushing, just for their own amusement. You really don't sound like the type of person to do this; you sound like you have her best interests at heart. But just make sure that in no way do you get her hopes up, even accidentally. But also don't go to the other extreme - acting like 'just friends' doesn't mean giving her the cold shoulder. Just act like you always have.
You're probably doing this already and everything, and you sound like a nice guy. So just try to understand how she feels, I'm sure she'll eventually move on. xxx
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