A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How did you regain trust once you lost it for the oppsotite sex . I have a very hard time trusting men. I have had few ralsrionships and one long one - I have only been open and the “real” me in my first relationship with my ex bf (5years) where he manipulated- verbally abused me and used my mental illness against me. Long story short I was genuine and honest with this man and he used all my wariness against me .. it’s been 7 years since that and I have not been able to trust any otter man .. sure I’ll date and pretend with them but I never become the real me.. it’s exhaustinf and it sort of makes me question if this is even possible anymore?I get it I am not seeking a fairy tale ending but isn’t it true that the moment u become and reveal the weaknesses and ugly parts people use them against you?I mean my parents manipulate me all the time and they know me (we are not close)I guess I want to believe that there might be a genuine man out there that will love me and not take advantage of me - cheat - lie- use my weaknesses to giant advantage etcCan this be done ? Or am I just going against human nature and men being wired differentlyI don’t want to offend the male readers here - I just want to be able to I guess see if it makes any sense to deal with this issue
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 November 2018):
 Right back at you brother of another mother!
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 November 2018):
Well, generally speaking I don't think men are less trustworthy than women.
And I don't think it's fair to hold HALF the World's population responsible for what a couple of men did to you.
The issue might be that you grew up in a household with manipulative parents and subconsciously seek out men who have some of those traits. You might not be aware of it at all.
And... it might also be that it's YOURSELF you don't trust. Because you have made "bad" choices" when it come to partners in the past. That would make a LOT more sense than the broad sweep of not trusting ANY man at all.
What I think you DO need to consider is that you hold onto stuff you can not change. And perhaps ignore stuff you CAN.
With that I mean, you can't change the past. You can't change a partner. What you CAN change is how you deal with things and people.
For instance have you ever considered therapy? I know, I know everyone and their mother talks about therapy. But it CAN in MANY cases be a helpful tool for self-discovery.
YOU chose to DATE a guy for 5 years who was cruel, manipulative and abusive. Have you ever thought WHY you stayed with him for 5 years? WHY you allowed someone who is supposed to love you, care for you to treat you like that? Maybe that is a start? To acknowledge that YOU have some responsibility here. NOT for the abuse or THEIR behaviors, but for ALLOWING it.
Men ARE "wired" differently. For many reasons. BUT they are not ALL "wired" the same.
YOU need to learn how to RECOGNIZE a GOOD man and how to recognize a NOT GOOD man. How to set yourself some standards for how you treat others and want to be treated. What you HAVE to offer a partner and what you EXPECT from them.
Now don't read into my answer that it's ALL your fault, because it's not. But what I am trying to say is that YOU have the power to END it if a man doesn't treat you well. You have the power to SEE the "red flags" and then avoid those guys. YOU have the power to FIND a good man. But not as long as your mind-set is that ALL men will take advantage of you and treat you like shit!
Dating is a trial and error. Getting to know someone to see if they are a good fit, good match. LEARNING to be better at CHOOSING a partner.
You can do it, it will take some working on yourself to move forward.
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