A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Well im the same as all the people who think they are crazy with there obsessive and jelouse behavour when there partner sees sexy women is there an actual cure not therapy that doesnt work. Ive had my problem for 15 years it doesnt get better with age actually it gets worse when you are in menopause putting on weight and going grey. I used to be sexy slim and beautiful and had this problem and now its worse. My husband poor thing is still with me so why am I like this. We dont go outor have holidays coz of my behavour is there an answer.?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2014): Hi yer im the same ive tried council therapist, hypnotherapy, acupuncture, timeline therapy, chinese happy pills, self help books cds etc nothing helps, perhaps we need our brains looking at, I just dont know what else to try.if someone is cured please tell us how you did it. The keeping busy is good but you cant keep busy all the time its such an anti social problem it makes you lonely and depressed.it gets worse with age I know how you feel I wish we could get over this it would be better than winning the lottery. Nobody knows what its like unless they have our problem.i just dont think there is an answer.i feel so desperate, when I told my dr she just offered antidepressants, they dont stop the jelouse tantrums, and the fact that I cant stand my husband seeing anything I believe to be sexy.
A
female
reader, ImissFuturama  +, writes (11 August 2014):
 The others are right about physical beauty. It's only part of attraction. Now I'm not going to say I can relate to you as a woman in her 20s, but I do know MOST guys would lose interest in a girl if all she has in her favor is her looks. A girl can look PERFECT, but if she's annoying, gossips a lot, her only interests are maintaining her looks and following celebrities, guys will get bored of her and move on. What I'm saying is your husband is with you for reasons besides your looks, and he isn't going to up and leave you just because he saw someone "sexy". It's also very possible he's capable of finding you physically attractive, regardless of graying hair and weight gain. You were insecure even when you were at your best physically, which means the problem comes from within. It's even possible you're imagining him checking out girls when it's not really happening. Whenever you see a girl you perceive as attractive, I bet you instantly look over at him and think you see his eyes fixed on her. Of course, he's going to see her, but once she passes him by it's likely he forgets her. Since YOU hold on to her image in your head, you assume he does the same thing. I would keep busy so you don't have time to think about this. I find if I'm so busy with work, reading a good book, or something else, I have no time to focus on stuff that bothers me. And eventually, I look back and laugh at the fact it ever bothered me in the first place.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2014): [Edit] "You now have to look more at your inner-beauty which will may your outer-appearance just as attractive as you ever were."
Correction:
You now have to look more at your inner-beauty; which may now outshine your outer-appearance. That will make you feel and look as attractive as you ever were.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2014): You may need to get a full medical-evaluation, and see about hormone therapy and natural alternatives.
If you are menopausal and you know that things are just getting worse; you also know that you are acting out of character. You also notice it has reached a level it seem unmanageable. That's often a sign professional-help is necessary. The type of help you need might not necessarily be mental-health therapy; but don't rule that out. Jealousy is an obsessive emotion that can be very toxic, and even dangerous. Internally, and externally.
If all other options fail; you may have no choice but to consider therapy; or at least some counseling.
You are thinking a bit too old-school. Seeking therapy isn't for "crazy" people. You really need to lose that stigma. That is very prejudiced thinking. Many people seeking it, don't need it. They just want someone to listen to their problems. They just want to stay balanced. They want a professional opinion; when they've done introspection; and there is something wrong they can't put a finger on.
It's useless if you aren't prepared to do some soul-searching; and ready to face some difficult truths about who you are, and how you think. Then comes the hard-work. Putting forth the effort to correct the problem once you know the source of it.
Learning not to search for someone to blame, be a victim, or take responsibility for how we treat others. Then learning to accept ourselves for the things we cannot change. Accepting aging with grace, and appreciating the quality of life. Being grateful for the blessings we have, regardless of how small.
Why are you resistant to the idea of therapy? If jealousy is something you clearly can't handle on your own; then you seek professional help.
You have the right frame of mind; which is to do everything you can on your own. Sometimes you have to find out what it is that gets in your way, that makes all the effort unsuccessful. It's usually right under your nose, you look right at it, but you don't see it.
If you have self-image issues, you will be jealous of other younger prettier women. You have to accept growing older is going to happen to everyone; if they are fortunate enough to live as long as you and I have. Some of us age better than others; but the secret is accepting it. Not resisting and hating what is real and natural.
You can do a lot of what you used to do, it's all in the mind. You can still be slim, you can die the grays, but you also have to accept what nature is doing to you. You can exercise to slow down the process. That's what I do. It makes me feel strong and healthy.
Eating right and exercising my brain, all makes me feel as young as I did when I was in my 20's and 30's. I don't fret the character lines. Genes have been good to me there; but some people seek cosmetic enhancements and reparations. I'm not that vain, and have better things to do with my money. It is a good alternative, if it lifts your spirits and a few unsightly sags. I just mean it's not a personal choice.
You know yourself, and you know just when this started to become worse. You are also aware of the impact it is having on your marriage. Your husband may only be quiet because he is afraid to set you off about it. He has learned over the years to let a lot of your quirks just fly over his head.
Sometimes we need a word of encouragement from our mates. They see us going through hell, but they just don't know what to say. If you have a husband who pretty much just shrugs off your quirks; you really need his input and feedback. He has to reassure you of how much he still cares for you in spite of your changes. If you love him in spite of his, it is the reason he is still there.
Jealousy is curable. It often cures itself. If you inflict it too much on other people, they'll leave you. You said you were slim and attractive as a younger woman. Now you're getting older, gaining weight, and turning gray. You are not facing your vanity. You looked badly upon older women and you are ageist in your thinking. Well, now you're here yourself. You now have to look more at your inner-beauty which will may your outer-appearance just as attractive as you ever were. Attitude screams volumes above good-looks!
You're in your 50's, you're changing. That's what happens.
Sometimes, you just need to find yourself a social group, or club, to immerse yourself into. So you don't feel so isolated. Spending all your time fighting time, and feeling your husband wants other women. He will if you don't can your nonsense. Everyone has saturation-point.
You need to be around other women your own age. Doing activities that lift self-esteem; and things that are intellectually and physically challenging. Women you can relate to; other than your immediate circle of friends, and/or your husband. Yoga classes and Tai chi are absolutely wonderful and invigorating!
All you do is feel your husband (who is aging also) is more attracted to younger prettier women. Excuse me, young pretty girls don't fall that easily for aging wrinkling older men. There are a few, but there are also younger men who are attracted to much older women. Even with their sags and wrinkles. It might sound weird, but not to people who are in that situation.
Do you realize he is feeling the same thing you are? That he can no longer get the younger prettier women he used to? All he can do is look! He can flirt, and he will not get the reaction he used to get when you both were half your age. Most of the time they just cringe and think he's a dirty old-man. Whispering "eeeewww!!!!" under their breath.
Embrace your changes. Change your diet. Find a club of women who travel together, have a common interest, and who like to get out and be active. See your doctor before you do anything. You can build yourself a support-system of mature and active women; without men around to make you self-conscious, or concerned about your appearance.
Good friends and a support-system of good people cure many problems we have without therapy. They give us purpose, a sense of goodwill, and they have also traveled the distance.
My friends and family are the best therapy in the world. I also volunteer, write to this column, and belong to a gym.
I participate in many different organizations and offer my time. Writing to help others is also my own therapy. I put my experience and wisdom to good use. At least I try.
God and time have been very kind to me. I feel blessed.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2014): Try recognizing that physical beauty is only part of an attraction, not its essence, and you shouldn't be with men who value you only for your physical beauty. Try appreciating the beauty in other women. I have my own jealousy issues, but I am happy that I do not have any jealousy of younger women. I remember older women hating me when I was a teenager just because I was the object of some creepy old men, and I could have really used some of their help if they weren't so jealous. Now, as a middle-aged woman, I look at younger women and think they are adorable, as a mother would view her daughters. I wouldn't be jealous of any older man who preyed on them, because that man would be a creep and who wants the attention of a creep?
You should also recognize that beauty changes as people get older, but people can be beautiful at any age, even well into their 90s and beyond. The way they carry themselves, their outlook on life--the light in their eyes--have a lot to do with it, but they also know how to accentuate their best features with confidence.
Mainly, I think you need to work on valuing other parts of yourself. You sound like you have a belief ingrained in you that men value women solely for their appearance. Most men lose interest very quickly in women without substance. A beautiful woman might catch a man's attention momentarily, but he will become bored if she lacks wit, humor, intellect, compassion, etc. Try focusing on your character and pursue your interests. Keep busy with other parts of life so that you don't have time to worry about the physical attractiveness of other women.
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A
male
reader, mini-ru  +, writes (10 August 2014):
You need to realize he likes you. There will be sexy women always. Just as your husband sees you looking at sexy men. You're both probably not checking them out, just we tend to look at the pretty ones. Maybe you are like this because the problem is with you. You look at hot men and eye fuck them, so you're scared your hubby does the same?Hold his hand in public when you do go out. Tell him to speak to you in events or in public, let him know you want him to tell you when he thinks you look pretty. Some people are bad with words. Maybe he just thinks you look pretty and never says it out loud. Tell him to be more verbal with such thoughts. Put down the shit magazines that tell you to be more sexy than fucking human possible. Embrace aging. Age with grace. Aging with grace and handling it is beautiful, rather than the woman that are aging and scraping for what scraps of "Beauty" they think they can stretch out. With surgeries, makeup, hairstyles, age with dignity, and wear a fucking sexy ass red dress with your girls friends on the town and become comfortable with your body now. Learn on your own, not with your hubby right by your side. Do your makeup lightly and dress to impress, go shopping and have lunch downtown seriously this helps.I got over my insecurities with my body by dressing cute for once, shopping for cute clothes, and walking around in crowed areas by myself having lunch alone and shopping with something cute and a little revealing on. This helped me so much. No body knows you and they don't know you are insecure, so for all they know, you're a fashionable girl on the town.
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