A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Is there a chance he will come back?We were together for five months. For me it was love at first sight and in the beginning he seemed really excited too. Before me, he was in a seven-year relationship, long-distance for the last two, and they were engaged. She cheated on him, got pregnant by the other guy, had an abortion, finally confessed everything to him after avoiding him for months, he forgave her and begged her to give their relationship a chance, and she accepted only to dump him for good about a month later. He spent a couple of months trying to get her back. Then he met me.At first everything was great. We spent a lot of time together, I stayed at his place almost every other night, we talked, had great sex, and it was simply amazing. After two months, he told me the whole story about his ex and said that he was traumatised by it, that he had been depressed for a long time and didn't know if he could be in a relationship. Meanwhile, he started not feeling like having sex. At some point, we had a long discussion about everything and he told me that he believed our relationship was worth it and, even though it might have been too soon for him, he didn't want out, and promised that things would be good again.For the next two months, things were sometimes good, but at other times the same issue came up again. I knew she texted him occasionally, every time she had a problem or something. Then I found a text he had sent her, telling her he missed her. I confronted him about it and told him I couldn't have the ghost of the ex hanging over my head anymore. He tried to calm me down and told me he didn't love her anymore but he did miss her and that it was normal and he was just being honest. By the way, she lives in another country.Then he went to another city for work for a month. For two weeks we talked on the phone every day and things seemed fine. Then he started not calling me and when I talked to him about that he said he was just feeling depressed and it had nothing to do with me.I was very upset and he was worried I would dump him and kept asking me if I would meet him when he would come back.When he came back, he freaked out on me over the phone about seeing me and said he didn't know if he could be with me. We met and had the same discussion again without reaching any conclusion. He asked me to spend the night and so I did, but we didn't have sex. In the morning I tried to make him tell me what he wanted, and he just kept saying "I want to be with you but I don't think I can. It's not about you. I can't reach my feelings for anything or anyone." I asked him if anything had happened that I didn't know about and he said no. I asked him many times if he wanted to break up and he said no. So, I offered him a break and he accepted and asked for two weeks to think. When I was leaving, he hugged me, kissed me passionately and promised to ring me after two weeks. The two weeks went by and he hadn't called. I called him, he hung up, and texted that he would ring me the next day. It's been two weeks and he hasn't.These are all the basic facts. I don't know what to do.
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female
reader, LoveLace  +, writes (12 August 2008):
I'm in a similar situation at this exact moment...I even attempted to google a solution to my heartache (lol). I'm glad I stumbled upon your article...Maybe we can help each other; I've been hoping my guy will come back, as well...
My guy and I: We spent three wonderful months together, never a moment apart, always a phone call away...After a slew of bad luck in my past relationships, he seemed to be "the one" I was waiting for. He appear to be a perfect medley of all the qualities I had lack in my previous situations. He satisfied me on all levels, intellectually spiritually, sexually... Goodness even our Zodiac signs said we had hit the jackpot lol!...I couldn't ask for more...
...Once, when we were taking one of our random aimless drives through the city where we would talk about any and everything, he pulled over and parked the car suddenly in the most desserted of streets. This is when he turned and said to me, in his calm tone and in a near whisper, something I would never forget. "...You. You are everything I could ever want now...You are everything I could ever dream of needing in the future..." If that wasn't his way of saying he was in love, I don't know what is...I wished I would've said something instead of tearing up...Ah well. I only hope my kiss sufficed...
But yea. Back to reality. He hasn't called me in nearly two weeks and I'm wondering if that "He's Just Not That Into You"- book applies to my predicament...
So what do I do? Well, since I've put his plight into a perspective I could understand, I've been feeling better. Like your guy, he was burned before by an ex whose presence, too, lingered in his and my situation. He would tell me about how depressed he felt about how that 5 year relationship concluded and how he wasn't "sure" if he could give me what I needed. {Translation: he wants to be whole before he starts something new; He doesn't believe I deserve someone that is broken}. After a little bit of retrospective thinking, I figured he was mostly right. Although a little bit of him would feel so good right now, I can only imagine how miserable I would have eventually become having only a portion of his heart whilst he had all of mine.....
The point I'm trying to get to is that, as perfect as these men may have been in our lives, or how wonderful the conection we shared with them was, we deserve better and not necessarily another man...When I say "better," I'm talking about man that is well enough and prepared enough to recieve all that we have to give. Relationships are hard and take alot out of you, especially one that was longterm. In order to begin building a healthy relationship, we have to start a healthy foundation and they were hardly that...They simply weren't in a position, heartwise, to be the building blocks we wanted them to be. That's no fault of our own....
Maybe someone else will come along. Or maybe he'll come back. Either way, it's a waiting game for life to give you what's meant for you and only you...If he's meant for you, he'll come back.
In the meanwhile, remember heartache is nothing new. It's just the way the world turns...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2007): Thank you for your advice. I am still very confused though.
I know there is nothing I can do and that he is the one who has to decide to come back. Hence, I haven't called him or tried to contact him or any friend of his in any way, nor am I going to. We move in different circles and have no common friends, apart from the one who introduced us who lives abroad, so the only way for us to even talk again will be for him to call me.
Technically, I am moving on with my life as usual, work, going out etc, trying to ignore my friends' comments that he is an asshole and that I should find someone else. I am not going to look for a replacement, I am only going to enter a relationship with someone else if I am genuinely attracted to them, like I always do, which is a possibility I haven't ruled out.
But inside my head, chaos. I think of him and miss him and hope he will ring me. But what if my friends are right? What if he is an asshole who has chosen a cowardly way out of this relationship and has just left me hanging? It won't be the first time I've seen someone act like this. He certainly has issues but he might be too weak to deal with them. I don't know what to think anymore. After all, he is the one who set the two-week time frame and didn't keep it. It's now become a month. Even if he is confused, which I still believe is the case, isn't his behaviour disrespectful to me?
I still have hope and try to be patient, but how long before I am just an idiot who refuses to face reality?
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A
female
reader, leanne.od +, writes (22 September 2007):
 unfortunately, it sounds like you were in the right place at the wrong time because he is on the re-bound. many people think that this means he doesn't care about you and regrets it, but infact it means he fell out of one relationship and straight into the next far too quickly.
it seems like he does care for you and wants to make things work but he hasn't had a chance to get over his previous girlfriend yet and there are alot of issues he needs to deal with because of the way he was treated. his depression needs to be treated to ensure he doesn't begin blaming himself and his self esteem will hit a low. you need to understand he'll have trust issues but eventually, after space and time to clear his head, he'll call you.
just bare with him, and keep on being patient, i'm sure it'll pay off.
best of luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2007): It sounds to me like he really does need a break and get his head together. No matter what you do if he still is upset by what has happened to him and if he still loves his ex there is really nothing you can do. Give him time to think about what he really wants. Dont forget he was with the other woman for 7 years so he will still feel something for her. But he also could feel something for you. If he doesnt get in touch then move on girl, go out, and meet someone who hasnt just come out of a long term relationship! But if he does get in touch with you, he obviously does feel something for you. From what you've told me i think he has feelings for both of you women and is really muddled up by what he wants
Good luck hun!
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