A
male
age
30-35,
*nixence
writes:Kay.. I'm 19 and this has been my first real life girlfriend. She's had a rough past. She's really open to talking to me so she's told me a lot of what she's done.. and.. a lot of the things she has done bother me.Yesterday, it hurt a lot when I found out she's made out with one of my friends before. She's done that with a lot of my friends.. She tells me she was numb during all of that because of her past. People.. took sexual "advantage" of her when she was 12 till she was 14. She has no place to call her home because her parents abandoned her at 7 or so.. Everyone tells me I need to watch out for her because she's cheated on all of her boyfriends in the past, but she told me she has and that I'm the only boyfriend she's actually wanted. Her cousins call me her crutch.. they tell me that she needs me. One time.. I was hurt because we were talking and it's like.. she ignored me and was talking to some other dude in the army.. and when she saw that I was sad she started to cry later on about me being hurt.. and her being afraid of hurting me. We argue a lot, maybe 3 or 4 times a week. Our personalities clash to where she gets angry at something, I try to help, she says I wouldn't understand, I get sad, she becomes numb and emotionless, and I get even sadder because I can't do anything to cheer her up. I can try and try, but.. nothing I do or say cheers her up. It's always someone else that makes her laugh..She talks to me pretty much 24/7 and if we're not talking she gets pretty depressed. Currently.. we're not talking because every time we see each other I get this visual and it makes me feel sick.. just that image of her and my friend on a bus and just suddenly making out hurts.. I've never done anything like that in High School the most I did was hug.. maybe 4 girls? I can't be held I just pushed people away because I felt afraid of someone telling me that they'll be my forever.. I had a girlfriend online that really messed me up.. she cheated on me for a year on some myspace role playing thing. She did sexual favors online for people and it made my heart harden.. because I saw it.. and read all I could take before throwing up and.. bleh.. I just want to know if I should be afraid..? this is the first time I've opened up to someone and I'm afraid I'm going to get hurt even worse than before..I sing to her and write poems and stuff all the time.. I bring her flowers and decorate her cards. I programmed a game for her that she doesn't know about yet.. and I record videos just to show her how I am when she's far away. It feels like she really cares about me and wants it to work! But I can't help get the feeling that I'm heading down a huge spiral of pain like every other time. Please give me some advice.. thanks..
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cheated on me, cousin, depressed, flowers, her past, myspace Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2017): No you can't really change what has happened already.
A
male
reader, Enixence +, writes (25 August 2008):
Enixence is verified as being by the original poster of the question Oh my god that's exactly it.. Thank you! Wow!! I really don't know what to say to all of that!!!
We're talking a lot now and we're both getting along great. Yesterday, we had a huge conversation about old cartoons we used to watch. Bananas in Pajamas and all. :]
Thank you all for of your help. I had no idea. I'm soo happy and excited because you're all right about everything!!
It was because of the hurt from my past that made me afraid, and the images really ARE only that. She's done nothing to suggest she'd do anything to hurt me purposefully. I'm happy with her. Were going to keep going and going for as long as possible. We'll both get out more with our interests, and I'll see the choices she makes so I can get to know her better. :]
Thank you, it's really nice knowing there's a place to go when you need help. Thanks. I feel amazing reading all of this. I've read your answers at least 6 times in a row because of how true they are. Thank you. :]
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (24 August 2008):
 The past is something you should understand but not necessarily worry about. This girl sounds like she's had a very bad childhood and unfortunately she wasn't able to navigate through things without some bad choices. However, it is possible for someone to change, especially at her age. It also sounds like you may have a fear of commitment or of being hurt.
For both of these reasons I would suggest that you take your relationship very slow and don't make it your entire life. Allow this girl some space and you too make sure you are getting out there with friends and that both of you are allowed to have interests other than the relationship. This will provide a maturity and allow you to understand her better as you see what kind of choices she makes.
There is not guarantee that you will not be hurt. That is what love is all about. Yes, there are lows but the highs you will experience are worth it so don't shut down because of the past.
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