A
female
age
41-50,
*ommyoftwo91583
writes:I have been with the same man for three years...but before i met him i was married for 8 years to someone else. The man i was married to cheated and lied to me multiple times. It took me a long time to trust the man im currently with because of my ex. And apparently he doesnt trust me either bc he has said from day one that im too pretty for him. Its like he was psyching himself out of the relationship from the beginning. He constantly questions if im cheating on him...i never have. I have had thoughts but never physically done anything about it. Now we have two kids and he STILL doesnt trust me. How can i fix this? Can it be fixed?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2014): Regardless of his decision. Get your legal ducks in a row.
Make sure he financially supports his kids; and fulfills his financial/moral obligations as a father. He can't take a break from that; nor can he "dump" his two children!
A
female
reader, mommyoftwo91583 +, writes (8 May 2014):
mommyoftwo91583 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks everyone for the advice. We have both decided to take a break...well mostly he decided. This is the dumbest reason I have ever been dumped.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2014): "He constantly questions if im cheating on him...i never have." This isn't about lack of trust, it's all about control. By keeping you on the defensive he will force you to account for every move you make. Also, guys who irrationally accuse their girlfriends/wives of cheating are usually cheaters themselves. "How can i fix this?"You can't. He's never going to change. Your choices are either to put up with his constant accusations or dump him and walk away with your pride, dignity and self-respect intact."Can it be fixed?"As stated above, no and unfortunately you've had two kids with him so now you're stuck with him in your life for the duration, if not as controlling suspicious boyfriend then as controlling suspicious baby daddy.
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (6 May 2014):
Until both of you leave the past in the past you will never move forward. You and your man will never have a healthy relationship.
Get the counselling your need to help resolve these feelings. I would be doing some sessions together and separately. Understand who you are apart and together. If he doesn't forgive his past he will never live for the bigger picture of your future.
Good Luck!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (5 May 2014):
 In my mind the lack of trust is exactly a lack of relationship. In other words, Trust is the stuff that relationships are made of.
On the other hand I'm a less than confident man. I often look for proof that I really am important to the people in my life. I want to feel attractive to my wife. She has a lot ( I mean seriously very big) of trouble communicating that to me. Probably because she is so busy bolstering up her own esteem. I've got to wonder if you could find a way to let him know in words and actions that he really is the star your world revolves around.
I'll tell you just as an example what it is I hold on to. A few years ago I asked, flat out fished for a complement, why she stuck with me. She said she still gets butterflies when I walk in a room. I just stopped worrying. That settled it for me.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2014): He is showing you and sharing his insecurity and lack of trust. You know how it feels, because it took you a long time to trust him. Think about what you needed to build up your trust in him, and then offer him that too. He knows you are pretty, he feels you are prettier than he is handsome, he may feel undeserving of you, and therefore frets of loosing you.When he questions your trustworthiness, you can reassure him, and also tell him very strongly, that is it very important to you that he trusts you. Tell him you are trustworthy and he has to trust you. Tell him sternly so he understands how important it is.A lack of trust isn't fatal....it just needs some medicine and care before it becomes terminal.Don't allow his lack of trust to stop you from doing things, or to make you constantly prove yourself, but give him some extra reassurance. Tell him you love him and he is the only man for you etc.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 May 2014):
 I am not sure you can fix this.
If you have not given him a reason to doubt your faithfulness then the whole belief you will cheat is in his mind.
Counseling together and alone might help.
Have you ASKED him what you need to do to prove it to him?
are you sure you want to deal with a relationship like this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2014): [Edit]:
"Do lose faith or hope. It isn't written in stone."
Correction:
Don't lose faith or hope. It isn't written in stone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2014): In your case; I would say his lack of trust is ironic, if not fatal.
You married someone you didn't trust; then the insecurity bounced back at you. Maybe he's just doing it to show you just how it feels. People always suspicious of betrayal and forever distrusting of their partners; are often hard to trust. I guess you got your proof first-hand, what goes around comes around.
It is very sad this shenanigans is still going on, two kids later. Built-in disaster from the start. Trust has to be given in order to be expected. You are denying your partner everything you made vows to give. The toxicity of your previous marriage made it's way into your second marriage; and you are likely to have the same final-result. Do lose faith or hope. It isn't written in stone. Your marriage is salvageable under the equal effort of both partners.
Is it fatal, no one can really say. It depends on how much you otherwise love each other; and how far you're willing to go as a couple to preserve your family.
Your children will inherit your trust-issues, if they see them constantly played out before them. So you both need counseling and therapy. Together and apart. You have your own inner-demons to work on.
You may carry some post traumatic stress from your first marriage, and childhood issues that have never been dealt with. So coming to terms with those old wounds through counseling may start a healing process for you. No matter what prognosis can be determined for the trust-deficit in your marriage. Trust is the foundation marriages are built on. Otherwise, you just share a piece of paper.
As for your husband, he may be inflicting his own brand of restitution. You never gave him the trust he was due when you took him to be your husband; so now he decided to withhold trust from you. A little tit-for-tat.
That is somewhat narcissistic, and passive-aggressive. He wants to see you squirm.
He may have a vindictive and controlling nature. He can manipulate you through your guilt and old trauma. In addition; get a little sadistic pleasure from seeing you in misery. Always having to prove your own loyalty and devotion.
Your good-looks can be a burden, and cause insecurity; if the partner somehow feels undeserving. Maybe you made him feel undeserving, by not trusting him. Lack of trust has a lot of ill side-effects.
You did admit you've thought about infidelity (everyone gets tempted); but you didn't act on it. Lets hope you don't talk in your sleep. Sometimes in anger or frustration; our thoughts are made transparent through subconscious slips. Our eyes or a slip of the tongue,and subtle actions give us away. "Lusting in our hearts," as you might put it. Being around certain people may cause nervousness; or just being overly-friendly. When there is no trust, there is always suspicion.
Regardless of whether you can salvage your marriage, you can salvage your sanity. Minimize the collateral damage that will fall on your children. Seek therapy, and find out how deep your wounds and emotional-scars are.
Sounds like you got married on the wrong foot. Not quite sure if you can repair something that was broken before you got married.
If he's "willing" to try 100% to work it out, that's the first step. Marriages have survived a lot worse.
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