A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 25. My ex and I broke up about 2.5 years ago (January of 2006) we were together for 2.5 years. He did drugs (mostly weed and towards the end some pills here and there) and lied to me about them often. At least that is what I assume now but I caught him lying about 3 times and we broke up and made up a few times.The final straw was when I caught him talking to another girl behind my back. We have some mutual friends and I occasionally see him from time to time. Lately a lot less than before. I always thought about him from time to time and I always hear from others that he still loves me. He will from time to time text me and ask me to go to lunch with him. I always decline. Just this last Friday was the first time I saw him in a year and I am more emotional than I have been about it since we broke up. He then texts me Monday asked me to lunch. I basically said unless things have drastically changed that I don't see the point. We went back and forth a bit but to make a long story less long, he ended up calling me and we talked for a bit and he basically said that it took him a long time and a lot of trouble (DUI and probation for a year) to realize he wants and needs to stop drugs. He says he has stopped for "a while". I should have asked for specifics but I am under the impression its a few weeks tops. I basically told him there is something about him and us that i don't want to give up on but a few weeks of him being clean is not going to cut it and that I am not ready for lunch yet. He said he wasn't asking me to marry him but just wants to get lunch and show me he has changed and matured and wants to work on getting the good things back in his life. I told him I don't expect him to put his love life on hold waiting for me to be ready for that and I also am not putting mine on hold but I can't put myself in that situation right now. I went on a 2nd date last night with someone else and came home and cried because I just can't stop thinking of the ex. I have been crying a lot and thinking about him non stop. I realize IF he stayed clean for a few months (maybe 5 to 6) and we did lunch then took things insanely slow and eventually started dating again there is a good chance that I am going to get my heart broken again but something about this makes me think its worth a try. Am I being a crazy dumb girl or does anyone out there think people can change and trust can be restored?Thanks for any advice even critical. I have heard a mixture of advice from my friends but its nice to get an outside view.
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female
reader, pashanoodle  +, writes (5 June 2008):
 I am afraid I am gonna agree with the other aunts and say - stay away. There is a reason you have continued to be strong and not go to lunch with him etc...something subconscious in you is telling you to beware.
You obviously feel a strong connection to this man, but at the end of the day that isn't enough to sustain a relationship...and he hasn't really changed all that much from what you describe...maybe just a little bit to get a second chance...but be careful. You are in a vulnerable state right now - feeling emotional, a bit lonely, longing for a good relationship...I just don't think going back is the answer.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2008): Nah he sounds like nothing but trouble and heartache. You really don't need that. I mean of course people can change but you are talking about huge issues. I mean men can change in the sense that they have little quirks that annoy you (like he never takes out the trash) or something like that, but you are referring to much more than little annoying quirks. This guy is a drug addict and really hasn't much to offer you. Just kind of bringing you down.
You CAN change a man if the issue is silly. You can make a guy a neater person or be a sweeter person as long as the relationship has a good foundation and the guy truly cares about you. But this guy doesn't really care much about himself much less anyone else for that matter.
But he has got way too many issues. You need to keep dating and find a guy who is clean and takes care of himself. The way a guy takes care of himself is a good indicator of how he is going to take care of you. So keep looking cause if you get past this, one day in the future you are going to look back and thank your lucky stars you are no longer with this guy. I promise you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2008): No, never go back, leopards never change their spots and he sounds just like the bag of shite that i used to have. Walk away and dont look back, you will regret it big time if you do go back.
take care
xx
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