A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone,I've written various questions of a theme about a married woman at work to whom I am very attracted, and her attempts to brush me off, ignore me etc (successfully i might add)I had a fairly off the wall thought in relation to this. Is it possible that she is attracted to me and the attempts to 'brush me off' are due to the feelings she gets when i am around her- in the past and even still now there are times when i believe she is attracted, but for obvious reasons needs nothing to progress further.The question really is this- has anyone ever tried to brush someone off (ie get rid of them, ignore them, etc), not due to the fact that they dislike the person, rather that they do and the feelings they have for the person emotionally or sexually, cause one to feel guilty - as in they may feel like they are betraying or being unfaithful to their partner or spouse for being attracted to someone else?I am quite interested in this due to the (possible) relevance it may have to my situation.Is this fairly common?Many thanks
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at work, married woman Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you- I really appreciate it! :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2011): I'm glad you're finally starting to realise how unhealthy your behaviour is. I really do wish you well. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi there everyone, I had trouble deciding to which question to add my comment . All your points taken and appreciate the time you have spent answering the questions- in some cases more than once!.I promise there will be no more questions about this woman. I agree it is unhealthy and although it probably doesn’t sound like it, I think I am slowly (very slowly), getting my head in the right space- and you have all helped in this respect - I guess I’m just impatient and would like to switch off these feelings like a light.For those of you who have accused me of being a stalker, you will find this hard to believe, but I don’t believe that I have done anything that would constitute stalking, and I’m pretty sure she wouldn't either (at least I would hope not), although I'd need to look up the definition in the dictionary I guess. Unless talking to her, thinking about her a lot, looking at her (No I don't sit there staring at her at work, but Id be lying if I said I didn’t take an interest) , emailing her (although not unwanted emails), and of course writing to this page all the time. As far as I know I don’t scare her in any way, if I do she has a funny way of showing it. I certainly haven’t made any physical advances, said anything remotely suggestive or sexual, followed her or anything else, and I'd like to think that if I had she would have been the first person to complain to HR as well as myself and her husband. She is a very intelligent woman and wouldn’t stand for this sort of thing.The issue has been in my head and the questions mainly revolve around what she thinks of me, her attitude to me, and how do I solve the situation (but not always listening to the advice sometimes- sorry about that).I guess I’m finding it hard to follow the no 2 suggestion ('Other than leave her alone', which I pretty much do anyway, other than try to talk to her at work), and that is forget about her- this is made difficult by working with her.But I'll get there. Thanks again everyone- please don’t reply to this unless you have any other suggestions other than those that have been already covered i.e.1 Leave her alone- as I’ve said, I have always done that.. (I can see you rolling your eyes right now)2 Forget her (yes, that is the real challenge)3 See a Psychiatrist (I'll put that one on hold for now, but it is still an option if I cant shake off this obsession fully)Or you disagree strongly with something I’ve said, and I will try and defend myself - that might be a bit hard having incriminated myself with all these questions!Again, writing into this website has been a great help and thanks to you all for your great advice I love this site and obviously enjoy using it!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2011): Qustion are you making advances towards her or are you keeping your behaviour appropriate and professional? A lot of men misinterpret a 'no' for a 'yes', but 'no' really does mean 'no'. Your colleague is making it abundantly clear she does not want your attention. Even worse, if you are coming on to her, your behaviour constitutes sexual harrassment and if that were to be reported you'd be in serious trouble at your workplace. Whether she is attracted to you or not is superfluous, she's telling you clearly she does not want your advances. Respect the woman, respect yourself and move on. You need to respect her boundaries and realise you have an obligation to act professionally in the workplace. Perhaps you may like to consider a transfer to another department if you find it difficult to keep your attraction in check as that will help you move on. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2011): Even IF, and that's a HUGE IF (huge as in, there is a 0.000000000001% chance that it is an if.) But even IF, your statement had any shred of truth in it. That this woman secretly likes you in the least amount....she's made a conscious decision that she values her husband and marriage over any shred or inkling of a feeling toward you. So respect it, and her as a woman and give it up already. A true married woman that TRUELY has strong feelings for someone else will do one of two things. End her marriage and try it out. Or have an affair, (most of the time which she regrets doing.) In your case, she has done neither, aside from your constant efforts. So what does that tell us? That either A. She doesn't have any sort of feelings for you whatsoever. (Highly likely) or B. She has a miniscule hint of purely some microfraction of attraction that she can brush off because it means nothing to her. (highly unlikely.)
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2011): You remind me of a guy i work with. He became very obsessed and he managed to get my mobile number. He began texting me saying he loved me and other things. I never lead him on and told him loud and clear i wasn't interested but he still couldn't take a hint. Eventually i threatened to report him to HR and he stopped texting me. He still stares at me at work though. Do you want to be that guy? I doubt it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2011): She's not interested.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (29 August 2011):
 It's a bit sad that you are so obsessed by this woman. Maybe you should take her hint and leave her alone. Life holds more than this fruitless and pointless obsession, you know. See your GP and get some counseling as it appears to have taken over your life.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMany thanks- Frank but honest advice. I did expect that this was the response i was going to get, which is why I was keen to know if this has happened to anyone, hence the question:
"has anyone ever tried to brush someone off (ie get rid of them, ignore them, etc), not due to the fact that they dislike the person, rather that they do and the feelings they have for the person emotionally or sexually, cause one to feel guilty - as in they may feel like they are betraying or being unfaithful to their partner or spouse for being attracted to someone else?"
Perhaps not?
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (29 August 2011):
 Whoa Buddy you really are sporting those rose-colored lenses aren't ya! Leave her alone before her husband stops by work and slips you a "convincer".
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 August 2011):
I think it's extremely unlikely that she's ignoring you because she secretly likes you. It's far more probable and likely that she's ignoring you because she wants you to leave her alone.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (29 August 2011):
 You have written various questions? Have you followed any of the advice then or are you looking for advice that will encourage your obsession? Honestly, you need to leave this woman alone already. She doesn't want you. If she did, you would have already received a real response/sign, not one that is perceived by your own obsessed mind. If a woman avoids a man, it's a not a sign of some secret attraction. She probably already slapped the "creepy stalker" label on you. Get a grip on yourself and move on with some dignity in tact, unless you want to be known as the "creepy guy" at work.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2011): It's a common male misconception in response to being rejected, to think that the woman is brimming with desire under the surface. It's a way to protect the ego. If a woman can consistently, successfully and repeatedly brush you off, it's not because she's secretly attempting to resist you...it's because she CAN resist you.
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