A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Okies, I really need your help with this one. I want to make this the year I sort this out. So, I have known my female friend for 10+ years and I liked her from early on. We have lived together even shared the same bed (platonically) and been through alot. Whenever I have pushed for more its been rebuffed. Closest we have come to anything more is once we kissed and once she agreed to a date (she stood me up for someone she went onto marry). Sometimes we are friends, sometimes like after I was stood up there is a sizeable gap. Over the last few years we have again reconciled. I have lived with her and her family then as that split up her and her children. I now wouldnt change her standing me up for the world as the kids she had are amazing. When we have lived together, shes frequently says shes happy with it being just us (then goes out and does the opposite and hits the dating scene which sometimes I put up with, sometimes I dont). She jokes we will marry if we are still single when older etc. She despises people I have been with or fancy and once attended a conference with me just to spite someone who had rejected me. For example, earlier today she said 'i bet im more intelligent' than my ex. She says our friendship is too special to risk but frankly, sometimes I don't feel special. You may want to call me a pig right now but I feel, as a man, there is only so special a women can make me feel without wanting to give herself to me plus she had a sexual encounter with another friend which partly was the reason for our last tiff - no resolved and we are back to platonically sharing a bed for the first time in ages. She is currently hung up on someone and I am pretending to be still hung up on the person ironically she came with to try and show up. I am kinda pretending to placate her I guess but I know this other person doesnt make me happy in the way, lets call her L, does. I feel L has it a little easy. She rarely has to share me. Shes a looker, im not, my work takes up alot of my life and the line of it would put some off, ive been single for 3 years, shes had a few in that time. She's not a bad person, shes just looking for something and I think shes looking for, if I am honest, what we have. My relationships aint been great. I want to settle down. I want my one and I think she maybe it. I say maybe because I dont know for sure but I believe she is. Our current phase of friendship is we are both single so we are in this 'non-relationship' relationship. Been here before but I know eventually I know she will find someone and ill either have to hold my peace and hurt (i cope better now with it, used to cry alot over it but now though it hurts I cope) or ill say something and be rejected....again. I've just gotta get out this friendzone because I wanna know. Yes, its a risk, its a gamble but a couple of times last night when we were watching TV I caught her just looking at me and the way we look at each other.....there is love there for sure. So, what do people think? Any advice be very welcome.
View related questions:
my ex, split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (15 January 2019):
 Your description has PLAN B screaming all over it! Sorry, but she is keeping you on a back burner for such times as she cannot do better. She knows you are hung up on her and she plays you because you stroke her ego and, in all probability, are useful to her. If this relationship has not developed in 10 years (that's a DECADE of your life wasted, my friend), then it will NEVER go where you have been hoping and dreaming it will.
Sweetheart, you are worth better. The sooner you open your eyes to what is happening here and remove yourself from this "non relationship", the sooner you can start healing and looking round for someone who makes you their Plan A, their one and only. It will be difficult to remove yourself, very difficult indeed, as this lady keeps offering you little glimmers of hope to keep you holding on. I feel you probably haven't got the strength to walk away from her because you still cling to those little straws she throws you, despite them being worthless.
You two have very different agendas for your "relationship". SHE wants a friend, a brother figure, who will support her and who will worship at her altar. YOU want a partner. Stay in this relationship and guess what? In another 10 years time, you will be in exactly the same position as you are today. Is that what you want?
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 January 2019):
 You want more than friends. She does not. So yes, you need to leave the friendship. You have to tell her you want more, and that this friendship is not good for you. Tell her she can contact you if she, at some point, wants to date you and explore a possible relationship. Then leave this friendship and dont go back.
Honestly though, sounds like you have asked her this before and already got your answer. But it also sounds like this is more than friendship to you. So you will only be more hurt by continuing contact.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2019): You're obsessed and addicted. You're bound and determined not to take "no" for an answer; because of pride and bullheadedness. You want whom you want, and that's that!
You mean many things to her. A stand-in boyfriend. A make-believe husband. A bed-warmer with a heartbeat. Half the rent and bills. Not a lover, or a FWB.
You're just a friend.
You refuse to be in the friend-zone; but that's exactly where you've been planted, my friend!
It seems your goal or objective is to wear her down; until you think she has no choice.
Where do people come-off thinking they can read a person's heart and mind through a look? How often do people write in their posts how someone looked at them? Not what they've said; or consistent definitive gestures/signals that were made to convey romantic-interest. A look?!!
Facial expressions are easy to misread; because some are ambivalent, and you could be completely off the mark. If she can sleep in the same bed with you year after year; and has never once wanted you to touch her. It is evident you are smitten beyond all reason! Men get into a lot of trouble with women; because we get crossed-signals.
When you want someone badly; you'll see or hear what you want; instead of accepting it for what it is.
Why on earth would you want to be someone that someone settled for? You would be happy with that, rather than have someone romantically-attracted and in-love with you? How long do you think that would last?
This has become a matter of conquest; and you want to win a battle of wills. You've put your life on-hold; and you've dedicated your life to waiting. Hoping to wear someone down until they change their mind. What if it takes a life-time, and she can still only see you as a friend? How long will you wait?
She knows you care for her, and will take care of her; but unfortunately, she doesn't love you the way you want to be loved.
I'm so sorry, but she isn't the one. She's a friend who can count on your kindness and loyalty; while exploiting your undying infatuation.
...............................
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (14 January 2019):
 Nope, definitely not.
All you’ve had in 10 years in a single kiss. I’m not sure where you’re getting the idea that she likes you as more than a friend. It sounds like you give her all the benefits of a relationship without actually being in one. She looks beyond you for her sexual needs. If you’ve lived together and it’s never gotten sexual then that VERY clearly shows that she doesn’t see you in that way.
She decided to give you a ‘chance’ then she stood you up. That tells you all you need to know! You help look after her and her kids and get nothing in return, she’s using you! When will you wake up and realise? You’ve wasted 10 years of your life hoping a friendship will turn into more, I’ll help you out here, it won’t! Get out there and actually look for a partner, stop being so fixated on this woman that sees you as nothing more than a friend.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (14 January 2019):
 She might be "The One" but NOT for you.
It's been 10 years and nothing of note has happened in the romantic department.
SHE is a selfish woman who doesn't want to let you move on because he WANTS to have you for a back up when she is single or needs extra attention and worship.
You have wasted 10! years hoping that she ill change her mind when in fact she just doesn't SEE you as a romantic option. As a room-mate? sure. As someone who might be a last-ditch effort (in case she can't find "better")? sure, just not in a sexual way.
My guess is If she even EVER goes through with the whole marriage to you thing, there will be no sex, she will get that from OTHER men. And as soon as she find someone who is HER type she will leave you high and dry.
Come on, OP.
Get your head out of the cloud (or your bum) and SEE her for what she is. A USER.
...............................
|
