A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Afternoon everyone! Recently I asked a woman out at work who unbeknownst to me at the time, was already seeing another guy (same place of work). In knocking me back she said in an e-mail that she 'must decline' my invitation. Is this different from 'wanting to decline'? Personally I think I'm more of a catch than this other guy - but then I'm biased! Part of me thinks she would worry about her reputation if she was to finish with one office guy, only to be seen to start dating another office guy. I only asked her out after I thought she was coming on to me. I guess I was mistaken (fancied her for years, though!). Anyway, since asking her out we have barely spoken, but we cannot seem to take our eyes off each other. Perhaps she's just flattered or is she actually having second thoughts? As for me, I'm just keeping myself busy - helps with the pain 'cos I do have feelings for her. I think the ball is in her court (since she was the one who turned me down). I should feel completely rejected - but I can't help feeling that I'm still in with a chance - or am I deluded? Am I right to leave her alone and let her come to me (may not happen of course) - or should I try a different tactic? Ironically I've seen much more of her around the department since I popped the question, but as I say, we're still not talking as such at the moment. Your thoughts, welcome! Many thanks! P.S. She knows I think the world of her - told her in a letter - oops!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2008): ...indeed - I think I've done all I can and won't pursue her. If she does want any involvement with me then (given the fact that I've been completely honest with her) I like to think that she will be very clear and upfront with me i.e. not ambiguous. Ultimately there's nothing for me to lose any sleep over - I've just got to be professional and get on with the job in hand I guess.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2008): Many thanks for your insightful comments! I can see where you guys are coming from with the 'friend-zone'. Problem is that to be her friend I have to want to be her friend and have no hidden agenda. This is a big ask. I mean, what if she switches from her current guy to someone else and I'm in the middle massaging her ego under the auspices of being a friend? I can, have been and will continue to be friendly to her and have promised to keep matters at a strictly professional level (when communication breaks down there's always the fear of human resources intervention). It's just that we would look fantastic together whereas she and this other guy do not. In fact she and her husband didn't look great together either! Maybe she has a thing for short confident bald guys. About time she dated someone taller than herself for a change - someone with at least a few follicles gracing his cranium (and elsewhere!). Thanks again for your comments. A friend is some one who does not leap at the opportunity to sleep with ‘his’ woman if the chance came along. This is why I want to continue to be friendly to her but not be friends as such. More honest that way, but does mean that the interaction and communication will struggle to evolve. So, yes, I can see the appeal of friends - but that might lead to more pain. Perhaps I should leave the company. I'll be thinking about that one over Xmas. That said, who's to say that I won't develop another crush at the next company, so perhaps I should learn to deal with this situation instead of running away from the problem. I could try and play the 'jealousy' card of course i.e. start flirting with some very attractive women, but this may back-fire and as such I would not want her to start pitying me and start saying “He’s just like all the rest – so good job I chose not to go out with him!”.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2008): Sounds like she is not interested. It's not a good idea to date someone at work, especially when you keep changing your dates, but from another side, how do you meet people, if you spend all day at work and you are not in your 20's anymore, and all your friends already married. I don't know if that's the reason why she must decline your invitation, but she did, didn't she and that's the fact. Yu can try one more time, but if she really ment it, she probably would be annoyed. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (23 November 2008):
 And yes, she was flattered. Any woman who was asked out would be.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (23 November 2008):
I think you should find a way to be friends with this woman. I know it is uncomfortable but if you work your way back in as JUST FRIENDS the uncomfortableness will go away in time.
You can't worry about if she "wanted to decline" or "had to decline" the fact is she declined. At this time, she is unavailable to you and she has so much as told you that.
Work romances are hard. No one wants to hurt anyone they see all the time and in the end, if you are friends then you get to be around this woman you think the world of and you can build a different kind (and perhaps just as rewarding) relationship with. And then who knows when things change in her life what opportunities may exist.
So, try to be friends and find someone else in the meantime for your romantic evenings.
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