A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing my partner for nearly 3 years now and although we've had problems I think he loves me, he tells me he does all the time. He's been mean to me and done some horrible things but now he's very sweet and nothing but lovely to me.The problem is that he used to be a bit of a party animal, he has a wide circle of friends, he knows loads of people. He was seeing a woman for the best part of a decade during his 20's, he's now nearly 40 and all of his friends are also friends with her. On Facebook there are lots of photos of them together. They lived together, had mutual friends and at one point she even moved in with his mother.Now he's older he only really wants to do things with me, he doesn't really see his friends any more, I don't know any of them.It's getting to me that there are no photos of us together on Facebook, we don't have all these mutual friends like they used to and I've only met his mother a few times. I've asked him why our relationship is so much different and why can't we have mutual friends to do things with but he said all of those people have just grown up and he doesn't want to sit in other peoples houses all of the time.As for Facebook he said that just because people put up photos or brag that their lives are so interesting and exciting it doesn't make it all true. I've had 4 serious boyfriends and all of the relationships are the same, like this. I'm starting to feel like they are embarrassed of me or want to keep me hidden from other people. I've never been with somebody and had mutual friends to do things with. Men want to just spend all of their time with me alone. I meet guys who have lots of friends and are outgoing but when they start seeing me they just want to stay indoors with me. They've all said I'm fun to be around and when he comes over we have a blast. We can sit up talking until the sun comes up, it's not at all boring. Are lots of relationships like this really? I feel like I'm too embarrassing to be round his friends sometimes. The reasons he gave me I can accept but every boyfriend I've had has been like this. Is it normal, are anybody else's relationships like this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2015): That first answer is fantastic, I hope the poster sees it :-)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2015): He doesn't want a sequel to his old relationship. A predictable continuation of what he used to have with somebody else. Maybe he's trying to change. Why are you studying and comparing his old relationship? If he wanted the same, he may as well have stayed with her.
Take your own pictures and post them on Facebook. He's getting older, and he's not the party-animal he used to be.
He is treating you better and not behaving like he used to.
Don't discourage change and improvements. If you want pictures together, take them and post them yourself. You're the one concerned about it. You're both pushing forty, and it isn't likely he's going to behave with you like he behaved back in his twenties. News flash, neither of you are in your 20's anymore. You can't relive his 20's with him.
Start your own scrapbook. Capture your own moments together.
Publish them on any form of social media you like. If that's what you want, why don't you do it yourself?
Has it even occurred to you that you have a different personality from the other woman? Guys may like the fact that you're more mature and that's what they're looking for. So they don't feel like clubbing, acting like frat boys, and mugging on Facebook like they did 10 years ago! Like he said, they've all grown-up!
Your relationship is unique, and based upon who you both are now. Why does it have to be like those of other people? If it was just like everybody else, what would make it special for you?
You're assuming those guys you used to date were into taking all those "couples" pictures, when it may have been their girlfriends more into posting them. It's a way of marking territory, just short of pissing down his leg! They want everyone to know "he's taken." Like that even matters to a hard-nosed home-wrecker. It just makes the victory or stealing him away all the sweeter.
Guys rarely care about "couples" pictures. They'd rather be seen on a motorcycle, tanned on a sandy beach in the tropics, standing on the edge of a snowy cliff, or in some risky action scene. Not looking clingy and domesticated.
I think you're seeing his more mature and settled side. He may be tired, and over that old life-style. Now he wants a woman like you for a change. If you want others to know you're together, take your own pictures and post them wherever you like. I doubt he would object to that.
As far as his lady-friend from the past is concerned, why are you competing with her?
You want friends? Make friends. Don't look to other people to create a life and image for you. If you don't want to hangout around the house, insist on a compromise. Suggest that he takes you out dancing, or for some form of entertainment for the sake of keeping your relationship fresh and keeping you happy. Then offer him something in return. You can also learn to be more adventurous and outgoing on your own. If you're not like the other women, guys can't treat you like they treated their exes. They're exes for a reason.
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