A
female
age
51-59,
*oolme
writes:I am in a relationship with a wonderful person. He is 10 years older than me and I love the fact that he is more experienced and worldly wise than I am. I met him on facebook and we hit it off immediately. We are both abroad away from our families though his siblings live nearby. Both of us have a love for healthy cooking, working out and discussing politics and stuff. We are both divorcees. I have a a teenaged daughter and he has no children. He has been a bachelor for most of his life and has a string of girlfriends dating back to even 20 years ago including those whom he had once courted. Of course he has an equal number of male friends as well. But there are favourites. Now, just over an year of our relationship, he still maintains the close rapport with the favourite girlfriends. He says he has known them much before he got to know me.We have no common friends and I haven't met even one of his friends to date. I had told him at the beginning of our relationship to stop the hyperactivity with his girlfriends which meant the over enthusiasm on fb and whatsapp. I have my own share of boyfriends with whom I don't keep in touch at all since this relationship. Its strictly hi and bye and not out of compulsion but totally voluntarily.I always had a lot more boyfriends than I had girlfriends but i felt no sense of loss without them as it was never very binding. He still gets the daily goodnight and goodmorning msgs with the special namecalling etc. And he sends the offhand flirty comments as well.Is it alright for a person to flirt with online friends when in a relationship? And he claims its just friends. Is he the right one for me? I do love him despite all of the hurt his behaviour causes. Should I let him go or should I fight to stay in this relationship because i cant think of losing him.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2015): PoolMe,
oh,oh,oh,can I change my answer?
Thank you very much for your answer-it provided some much needed clarification.
Whilst I believe and stand by everything I said before, every case is individual (as we all are) and all can not be tarred with the same brush.
Based on your answer:
no snooping, just happened by+ msg of that kind- I'll NOT be ok with it. NOT ok AT ALL.
Another thing that WORRIED me very much in your reply-you seem to think that he is "perfect" and that's a price you've to pay to be with him?
Ummm,no? Can you guess why?
Give it a go.
My answer would be: Because NO ONE IS PERFECT. No human being. We're all flawed in our own way.
For ME (and again,this is very personal)- LOVE is knowing about somebody's imperfections and faults and loving them despite them all. Or more, seeing the imperfections as "being them". Will he love you and your imperfections?
Or will he not compromise on YOUR "drawbacks" BUT expect you to compromise on HIS?
You know what I think you might find to be an interesting read? This:http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/aug/22/the-secrets-of-long-term-love
I saved it after I first read it and go back to it from time to time. You know why? To remind me that there is no single right answer. It's not all black and white or simple and straightforward.
Tbh, some of those relationships are my idea of hell... BUT it works/worked for them, they each got something out of it and are (or supposed to be) happy. That's all that matters.
I wouldn't be if I were in some of their shoes, but then that's exactly it: it's for me to figure out what I'll be happy/ unhappy with and how much I WILL (OR WON'T) compromise.
How much I'm willing to let go of,so to speak.
How much are you willing to compromise? And most importantly, is this the RIGHT man to compromise for?
After the info you gave:I wouldn't. But I'm not in your shoes.
Love,
The Nonny
ps:Oh,YouWish,thank you-that's very kind of you! I was thinking about it, but I don't consider myself wise enough;)
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (13 February 2015):
 PS -- Nonny, why not create an ID? If you take time to identify yourself in posts, it would be a cool thing to have an ID! Join us!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 February 2015):
Online flirting IS very disloyal to your current relationship. If someone is exclusive with someone else, that means that loving and flirtatious behavior, sexting, dirty posts, requests for nudes...all of that is infidelity!
This guy when he started dating you drew his line in the sand and said that you have to accept his friendships with exes and his flirtatious behavior. In short, he has more baggage than Samsonite. This is a compatibility issue.
I wouldn't be with a guy like this. No way, no how. I'm not one for keeping relationships with exes, and I would find a guy who did keep contact with his past lovers and insisted that he would continue to do so to be incompatible to my values.
You can't change the guy. You can only make your own decisions. I'd decide to drop the old guy like a ton of bricks, because there are other guys (indeed, MOST GUYS) are one-woman men. They don't need to be "Ex-hoarders" to boost their egos. Flirting with other women is juvenile and ridiculous.
Look at it this way -- an athlete has to eat a certain way, train a certain way, and maintain certain disciplines than someone who is either a retired athlete or a non-athlete. The athlete would forego the processed breads or sweets, the excessive alcohol and smoking that the non-athlete can indulge in, and in exchange, he reaps the rewards of outstanding physical condition, top competitive form, and strong mental acumen. Of course, an athlete can eat stuff that's not good for him, but then it won't make him a very good athlete than one who is true to his course in life.
The analogy of this athlete is like a boyfriend in a relationship. A bachelor can flirt, keeps exes as friends, go get lap dances or see prostitutes or have as many one night stands as he sees fit. But the boyfriend who has become exclusive to a woman must have different disciplines, or he isn't a very good boyfriend.
You can't be a good athlete with no discipline, and you can't be a good partner with no discipline either.
I don't know about you, but if I observe the discipline of faithfulness and loyalty and love for someone besides myself, I want a guy who stands for nothing less than that.
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A
female
reader, poolme +, writes (13 February 2015):
poolme is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks a lot for the responses. Like The Nonny said, I am kind of older and I did think I had the answer all along. I didn't snoop, never felt like I had to because I have told him about it and I assumed he had stopped. Again, the 21st century does demand relationships to accept such online disturbances from time to time eh?
And then the other day his the alram went off his fone and i happened to switch it off and i also happened to see msgs that were NOT SO OK. it broke my heart. I asked him immediately about it and he said again its just friends who kind of admire/adore him.
He is a very kind and loving person and I always feel women cling to him for support. And that's why it is all so complicated. Its not easy to walk away, knowing perfection is not an available commodity.
Thanks, Midnight shadow, Brown Wolf, Wise owl, When crowsattack, NoraB, a female reader and The Nonny.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2015): Cheating doesn't have an official definition. It depends on what the couple is comfortable with. So if your not comfortable with it, within reason (which I think you are within), he shouldn't do it. If he can't sacrifice these chats for you, tell him where the door is!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2015): This one is pulling me... tearing me apart inside :PFirst of all I agree with both WiseOwl and WhenCowsAttack (more so with WhenCowsAttack-there is a bit more detail,explaining it in a bit more depth,so I do hope you get it)But at the same time there ARE red herrings-oh,so many red herrings...Almost don't have time to count them all!Ok,first of all as everybody said- you can't tell him who to be friends with. He's maintained those friendships as WhenCowsattack has said,so they do matter to him and obviously he continues to put in the time and effort to keep them going...BUT (a very,very big one)- HOW DO YOU KNOW about the content of those msgs (i.e. the special name calling etc.)??? How? Did you feel the need to snoop? Did you ask him to show you and he did so willingly or did SNOOP?If you did snoop-tz-tz-tz. That already demonstrates a very deep and serious problem-lack of trust. Insecurity (on your side). And last but not least-desire to CONTROL (who he texts/what's in those texts etc. "shakes head in disapproval*)Another very BIG "but" (this one is on him,no worries)- why hasn't he presented you to any of his friends yet?NOT a single one? Exes,ok, he might wait a bit longer now coz you've already shown insecurity about that and desire for him to cut them off(which he most likely won't do),but what about his other friends??Why haven't you met them??Sidenote: texting exes doesn't bother me,personally,but depends on content,i.e. daily: "Good night,Jack,hope you had a good day." like a normal friend-ok; "Good night, my cherry pie. Remember me in your dreams,Jack,you sexy beast"-SO NOT OK.I won't get now into how you got the content of those texts,but only you know which one of those two it leans towards. And the difference between the two is huge.I won't give you any advice on what to do/not to do. You are older than me,more experienced so probably know better and most importantly-you know your heart.I'll only tell you one thing-of all I read,there really seems to be an underlying current of serious lack of trust (your side) and general communication issues (both).Love,The Nonny
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2015): Anyone who needs the comfort blanket of ex's like this is still wearing his Mr Bachelor badge.
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (12 February 2015):
Well this man wants his bread buttered both side.Give him a CHOICE- YOU-or ALL those other women.If he still wants all those women -Tell him goodbe and mean it Be positive Best wishes NORA B.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (12 February 2015):
You dumped your male friends. That was your choice. He maintained his friendships. That is his choice. Clearly he values his friendships and has no intention of dismantling them, nor should you expect him to.
If you are not secure enough to deal with the existence and maintenance of these friendships, then perhaps he is not right for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2015): You can't tell him what to do. If you don't like his maintaining relationships with exes and old girlfriends; and he refuses to meet you on your terms. End the relationship.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (12 February 2015):
 "I do love him despite all of the hurt his behaviour causes."
If you truly love someone, you try your very best never to hurt them. Love and hurt are completely two different things.
You would not do something to cause your child pain and suffering if you love her...so why are you okay with being hurt because of your love for someone?
Talk to him...let him know. If he cannot stop, you can.
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (12 February 2015):
 You can't change him so, if it hurts, you should leave him.
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