A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone! Just need some help hereMy and my boyfriend are both 19 years old - we're young and you would expect that our relationship would be great in the bedroom, but it's not.We've been together for 2 years but it feels like we've been married for 20.My boyfriend kisses me, but it's the kind of peck you get from your mum before bed when you're 5 or 6.He hugs me like I'm a friend - no romantic embrace, no squeezing my bum or anything cheeky like that.He NEVER flirts with me.We rarely go out for dinner or do anything as a couple even when I suggest or even outright ask - my friends have said this is because we live together (same house at uni) so he sees me all the time and they get why he wouldn't want to take me out, but this just feels lazy to me.We have sex about once every two months - I used to ask him every few nights if he was in the mood, and 99% of the time he would outright say no, and occasionally he'd say "let me think about it" and then after around 10 minutes decide he DID want to have sex.Because of this, I eventually stopped asking and thought you know he'll instigate something if he's in the mood.This does not happen apart from, occasionally, once every couple of months.I was getting frustrated so I asked him on numerous occasions if something was wrong? I asked if it was me - e.g. do I need to make things more exciting, is it something to do with my appearance, does he have preferences like shaven or non-shaven, he said it was none of this.I suggested rather subtly could he possibly have erectile dysfunction but he said no, he had just "lost his mojo for a while"I want to give him time but it's been 5 months and we've had sex maybe twice or three times!I don't want to break up over something that seems so petty but the longer this goes on the harder the relationship becomes! And he's not doing anything to try and solve it, even though I've practically begged him to either tell me what's wrong with me or seek help.I would never cheat on him but I have such a desire for intimacy that I feel like I need to break up with him just so I can have romantic and sexual contact, even just kissing, with another guy to feel wanted again! His behaviour makes me feel like I'm not attractive and has really impacted my self confidence even though I try to tell myself it's not my fault. What do I do? Is our relationship dead or am I doing something wrong?I don't want it to seem like we hate each other or anything because we definitely don't! We still have jokes together, sometimes watch movies in the evening drinking hot chocolate and we have good communication about normal things, so we talk and enjoy each other's company. And I do love him - anytime something happens to me during the day, he's the first person I want to tell - but I just don't know if this is reciprocated anymore. Help please :(
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2016): It seems to me that you have multiple issues with this relationship.
1. He doesn't take you out
2. He doesn't show you much affection
3. He has a much lower sex drive
To be honest in total they seem like they might be a deal breaker for you, no?
Maybe the thing to do, if you realllly want to stay with him, is to work on one issue at a time? For instance, I would be honest with him and say something like, "I need sex once a week, minimum. Can we pick a night in advance each week and please make it happen?"
Best of luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys, thanks for the advice. I'm not sure what I want to do - I could have a conversation with him but I feel like if we do, it'll turn into an argument and start the process of ending the relationship, which I really don't want.
It's also his cousins wedding next month, and we've planned a month-long holiday throughout August that was expensive and I know they seem like little things but I feel like if it ended now (which I don't want it to but what if he does?) not only will I be heartbroken which is bad because I have my exams in a couple of months but also it would make all our previous arrangements really awkward and difficult. Still not sure what to do guys :(
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2016): Oh my. No, I don't think you are doing anything wrong. If he has that little interest in you at age 19, this is not really a relationship - he is treating you like a room mate, with occasional benefits. And he would seem to have an incredibly low sex drive for a 19 year old - unless he is also doing it with other girls in the house or outside.I think you are looking for something different from what he wants. It seems like you want a relationship but he wants friends with (very) occasional benefits. He is not giving you what you want. You have been very kind in trying find out what the problem is. Very possibly he is not telling you everything because he is afraid he will hurt you.It is time for you to move on. Try to stay on a friendly basis with him and tell him that it would be best for both of you if you both start to "playing the field" again. And that means there will be no more occasional sex. Don't let him talk yo out of it. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, miss frank +, writes (2 March 2016):
Hi. You are giving a mixed view about your relationship here, and it may help to tease out what is upsetting you in your relationship. You relay there are lots of things you do together that you really enjoy and feel close to him during. These include the homelier things like watching telly, enjoying hot chocolate together etc. You then describe your connection with him in regard to him being the first person in this whole world you want to share things with through a day....these are lovely parts of your relationship that are working for you.You also discuss that sex is pretty much non existent, there is no playfulness that leaves you feeling desired sexually, and making of any special effort for dating etc.While I am hearing you appreciate some things in this relationship, you are relaying there is a lot missing and the effect this has on you is affecting you really negatively.You are very young. I would say you need to think about if this is likely to be changable with this guy, or are you resigned to what you have here in this relationship for ever.It might be worth considering talking to him in a careful manner, about how the lack of playfulness and dating etc is making you feel. Perhaps leave out the lack of sex for now, it might be of you can make some headway in the other two areas there is a chance sex may increase. It sounds pretty stale...settled...and as you say yourself if feels like you've been married for twenty years. How does he feel about it? Is he happy? My guess is that he is and this is all he has to offer....but if you can try and ignite the ambers of at least you know you would have given it your best shot to base weather this is worth persuing or not any further. Good luck!!
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