A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok. a few months back i posted a thread where my girlfriend had went to stay with her male best friend for a while and he'd declared his love for her etc etcshe never told me about him telling her he loved her until a few weeks after it happened. I knew there was something she wasn't telling me (I'm a semi-professional poker player I can spot a liar well :p)eventually, after lots of lies and stuff she told me he;d told her he was in love with her after they had had a few drinks. As I've thought about everything and her, I'm confident there was no physical cheating. I know both of them well. I've also known for a while that he really liked her (you spend a minute with them or read some of the messages and you'd know!) but he had a girlfriend too so i gave him the benefit of the doubt.To cut a long story short, she led him on a lot and kept fighting with saying she was unhappy because id not spent enought time with her (I was working, coaching poker, and playing as much as i could to earn enough money to get her through medical school so was in the house in another room a lot. he sent my gilrfriend messages saying he wanted to be with her and later broke up with his girlfriend. I asked her how she felt about him and she instantly said he was just a friend after i said id step aside if they wanted to be together. After we'd been arguing over it for a few weeks I read her messages on her phone (shouldn't have i know but i knew she was lying to me again) and saw some messages between them where it seems she led him on pretty badly ( idont have the earlier messages but she's told me they were considering a relationship). In the messages i saw, She said that she wanted to stay with me because although "she loved [him] and wanted to be with [him] and [he] was all she thought about and had been for a while." but wanted to stay with me because she couldnt give him 100% unless she knew it couldnt work with me. he lives 200 miles away so i think that was a factor to be honest. This broke my heart, ill never forget it, but I threatened to leave and she stopped me agreeing to stop speaking to him.I got a hold of her snap chat trying to set up snaphack to save snapchats and saw she'd been sending him chat messages i was fuming at. turns out shed been having several conversations with him for the last 3 weeks or so, not huge, just originally she replied to a birthday wish etc. but obviously this gravitated and she sent 30 or so messages over three weeks which was at least a message a day up until yesterday when i found it as i checked her history. The messages i saw (only 3) seemed innocent enough but it was the deception of going behind my back that i was angry at. i confronted her again ready to leave (lying is huge to me) and she told me it was my fault for not letting her speak to him and that she was just being polite (she'd asked me if she could after shed sent the first few messages and i'd said i wasn't comfortable with it and after a strop she agreed (even thogh she obviously didnt stop!) saying i was being immature as he was back with his girlfriend and she was with me which was irelvant to me as they were only back together as she'd turned him down.).We've spoken about it and she has told me that she doesn't love him just misses him as they were best friends and spoke daily for 5 years. I have told her that i dont mind her being polite and civil to him so long as she doesnt hide it and checks i don't mind. She has agreed to this and has said that she wouldn't g behind my back again and wouldnt talk to him without asking if i minded until i was ok with the whole situatio (it's all a little too fresh still and obviously he still loves her despite what he's said.)The guy wrote to me too and has said he is 100% devoted to his girlfriend and wants to be friends with rachael warning me that she will resent me if i stop her talking to him.the truth is im nbot comfortable with it for what i feel should be obvious reasons, and although she has agreed too not speak to him i dont know if she will honour it. bsaically what i want to know is after all this has happened, Is my request for her not to speak to him unreasonable? i dont want him there whispering in her ear if we have a fight or something.
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best friend, broke up, immature, liar, money, player Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 October 2014):
 She continues to play you. After 7 years, she is bored and done with you. She stays because it is convenient. You mentioned you pay her way through school. She has shown you she has no loyalty to you. She can tell you sorry, and pretend to have finished things with the other man. But fact is she had an emotional affair with him, cheated on you abd lied to you several times. She has proven that she has no loyalty to you. Whatever she does from here on out does not take way what she has already done. Her cheating will always have happened.
You are not wise to stay with her or believe her. Forgive her, but set yourself free from her. She is not interested in your well being, nor does she care for you or respect you. Maybe she loved you once, but her actions speak loud and clear. It is over. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you can be free of her poison and manopulation. There are better people out there. A relationship is built on friendship, trust and respect. In this case, she took away your trust, and showed you no respect. The relationship you had with her ended then. It is dead.
I do hope you see this, because I know you will find happiness if you leave. She is not good for you. For your own sake, let her go.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust an update. Out of the blue today she had called him wile I could hear and told him she needs be left alone to work on her relationship with me. He then sent her lots of angry messages which she showed me. I think this says a lot.thanks for all the advice so far by the way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've tried to post this a few times but might have done it wrong. Our relationship has lasted over 7 years so predates everything, relationship wise wev been totally fine recently, and wee up until just before all this happened. She told me she was just flattered by him and enjoyed the attention (which she's apologised to us both profusely for). I don't think she wants to be with him or she would be. I know if she said yes he's be here asap. She's already graduated now so it's not like she needs me financially. I think she just wants to have her cake and eat it, if I was a new boyfriend I certainly wouldn't make the request, but he is crazy in love with her it's mega obvious. All the messages have been her just replying to him writing to her which I feel carries some significance. I honk it's because all three of us have been in the same situation for so long that his wanting to be more than friends totally tips the balance . I don't see how she can still be friends with someone that tried to end her relationship , but she just claims that he was unhappy with his girlfriend and think he exagerated how he felt so sees my being concerned as irrational
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2014): Focus on the first sentence of your last paragraph. You said "I am not comfortable with it for what I feel should be obvious reasons". That tells you all you need to know.question.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (10 October 2014):
 If you are footing her bills, hell even if you are not, she is indeed playing you like a fiddle. Yep, too much history between them and too much history with lying about it. You got to know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em, right?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 October 2014):
 I'm sorry she is so full of it. She is with you because YOU are paying HER way? through medical school, my bet is, as soon as she is done.. she will be DONE with you too.
Sorry, this would not work for me. When you tell her she is lying and it needs to stop SHE blames you?
You might be good at reading a liar, but SHE is VERY good at manipulation. She is manipulating you like a champ and.. HIM too.
And you already know she won't STOP talking to him. My guess is, she will either be better at deleting stuff or.. she will get a second phone.
I'd walk away, there really isn't ANYTHING to salvage here.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry btw. I just wanted to get every detail in. And im an English major so I am used to writing :p
Kinda important too, we have been together for over 7 years (almost 8) which is longer than they have been friends.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2014): I think you should've left her, and shown her you carry through the things you say. Now she thinks "oh he says he'll leave, but he never has and I can still carry on talking to his guy..." Do you really think she would've stayed with you, had the other guy lived closer? Really ask yourself this, because why be with a woman that isn't committed to your relationship? Why has she stayed, do you make a good living and she's quite enjoying it?
I'd sit her down and say that you don't trust her, and that your relationship needs a break so she can decide who she wants. Then she leaves your home (if she lives with you) and spends some time alone. She's really emotional cheated on you, she bad mouthed you to a male she knew had feelings for her and he had the cheek to get involved and tell you she will resent you?!
I wouldn't have any of that crap, I'd want her to leave, tell her friend that it is NOT his place to interfere in her private relationships (even though she's obviously made him think he could be the one with her) and that she needs space from both of you in order to realise what she wants. If she was happy she wouldn't have been chasing another man. Jeez you work hard, you study and she couldn't occupy herself for the time you were doing that? Instead she had to lead on another man?
Respect yourself enough to realise you deserve a woman who doesn't have to feed her ego whenever you're busy by talking to another man. Instead, as a woman happy with her relationship would, you deserve a woman who cares for you and is happy to pursue her own interests while you are busy pursuing yours. A relationship should be where you support each other. It should come down to you having to check her phone, that's a sad state to be in and not good for you.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (10 October 2014):
Yeah. Too much history between these two. She's been dishonest multiple times. The problem is you can't "demand" she not talk to him, she is an adult. I think the best thing you can do is move on. I mean, look at what it's come to- you snooping through her phone trying to catch her. Your own morals are suffering over this. Time to make good on your threats and leave her once and for all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh by the way quite important. Her reasoning for the messages about being with him where that she was flattered and unhappy with me at the time and had her head turned. In all honest she was at a dark time in her like. She had just become a doctor and was struggling at work and clearly wasn't herself. I do believe her on that. She said she just wanted to tell him what he wanted to hear and wasn't going to break up with me. She has apologised to both of us for her behaviour
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