A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my gf for 5 years now, we are engaged and I feel as though our spark has gone. I love her more then anything else in the world and she is "in Love" with me. I don't think I'm in love with her any more, I take her for granted, don't really treat her for what she deserves. Should a relationship carry on this way? If we spilt up her world will be turned upside down and I don't want to hurt her. She is my best friend!!!!Our relationship is perfect apart from this, we get on brilliantly, the only thing missing is that spark, it sometimes comes back but only when I get it, and that's not that often. The only other thing that is different is I want to travel and perhaps move abroad and that is out the question for her, she has close family connections and I don't. Please can people help I'm really stuck!!
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female
reader, petina1 +, writes (27 November 2008):
 sounds like you want more from the relationship or even life. You settled down too quickly before seeing what else is out there in the world. Its never a good idea to stay with someone simply because they love you. If you both dont feel as strongly about each other then there are problems. Relationships are hard enough to maintain but harder when someone is pulling against the other. Let her go and then go and find out what it is you are searching for. If you were meant to be together in the long run it would go without question. good luck. hope this helps.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2008): You are young and I wish I had done much much more in my 20s instead of being tied down with my husband and a mortgage. Follow your dreams as the resentment if you don't will kill your relationship. You have not wasted her time you have given and received love for 5 years. Who knows you can either keep a LDR or see if your feelings can be re-kindled when you get back. But do go and have the adventure - in 10 years time you may be married with children and not have the opportunity.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni have added a second question with a bit more detail. please could you see if this helps with ur advise, all is welcome
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2008): sparks are at the begining of every relationship and then they move into that comfortable stage,make sure thats its truly what you want as once you walk out that door,that love and trust she has for you will be gone take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2008): You sound like a very thoughtfull man that cares, but you guys need a break. You need to travel and do what you want to do, it will clear your head about her. Unfortunatelly spark goes away in almost every relationship after a certain period of time. You can't count on a spark to stay with someone all your life. Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni am 25, I started dating her when I was in the RAF (UK air force) I have left the raf now, and stuck in a dead end job. I want more out of life then this. Thats why I want to travel. I have looked in joining the red cross but this will mean being away for 2 yrs at a time. It is easier said then done finishing things, I love her so much and will feel I have wasted her time and I worry she wont find anyone else and she will be on her own.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2008): Anon, I am guessing that you knew each other since high school...that is, since you were teenagers. That is a time of great emotional drive and intense feelings. Why nature does this to us is complex. It was designed for a different time, when people lived very different lives and did not live very long. The sooner a "pair bond" could be made and mating begin...the sooner a child/children would be born and raized to maturity...before both parents died...of disease, or violence..at about age thirty or less. Sounds hard and even cruel...but that is the way it was. We become sexually mature now long before our society permits us to have "adult lives", i.e. employment sufficient to support a family or to participate in the adult world. You are finding that reality and "adulthood" are fast approaching and you have yet to explore your life and where you want it to go. I don't know what degree of intimacy you have had with your fiance or what plans you have discussed. But, you are obviously not ready for a commitment like marriage with her. You know this and you must let her know as soon as you can and with as much gentleness and tact as you can. Prolonging it will only make it more difficult for you both. I do empathize and you are not being a cad. A cad could not care less of anyone else's feelings. If you are still in doubt, come to an agreement with her that you have plans you must fulfill before considering marriage. I don't know how long you have considered your present relationship an "engagement", but engagements can be as long as both feel is necessary. You might agree to give it more time...apart from each other and see how you feel later...but not too much later. You would not expect her to wait indefinitely. And I have gone on overlong. Best wishes. Tom
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2008): You might just be very complacent with her. I suggest you go for counselling before you either get married or before you break up with her. Maybe your are going thrugh some phase in your life and or career pressures. There are various factors to consider here, however you need to decide wether you love her or not. THere are ways to rekindle the spark but you need to wya up all your other compatibilities and work through all the various issues before you make up your mind. Doing it alone is more difficult then having somebody helping you to work through these issues.When you are clear in your mind as to what you want, you need to talk to her and either set her free and you move forward without her or you need to both work towards reigniting the spark in your relationship.
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