A
male
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:Hi there. I cannot believe I am writing this but here goes. It is sort of a weird role reversal sexual harassment reality check. I am not trying to get anyone in trouble. I think I might be part of the problem, but now I am sort of the focus in an unwanted way. Either way, I am not sure what to do about it.I am a 16-year-old straight white male (he/him/his). I have a part-time job after school and on weekends as a lifeguard at our YMCA. It is a GREAT job. It was a very competitive process and I am the only one my age they have ever hired at our location. I am also one of only a few male lifeguards here. I am not sure why they hire mostly female guards and I am not accusing anyone of anything. My mom thinks it is because female guards are better with kids. Does that mean my mom is sexist? Just kidding. As I said, it is a GREAT job. I am confident with my swimming, rescue skills, and CPR training. I have had some awesome moments helping people. I do not want to do anything to jeopardize this opportunity.It does not hurt that the female lifeguards (including my boss) are very attractive and fit. Even though I am younger and off limits they have until now had a good attitude and don’t treat me like a kid. There is a lot of flirting and innuendo during meetings and training when we are together as a group (which surprised me with a group that is mostly females). Maybe it is sexist for me to be surprised. Not sure what to think. Either way, I do a lot more blushing than flirting back.If I get a normal compliment around others sometimes I don’t know how to react, so I do this goofy thing where I flex my beginner biceps and say “oh yeah” like a cocky body builder and it gets a laugh and some whistles because it is more like I am poking fun at myself because I am only 5 foot 8 inches tall and 130 pounds and more of an ectomorph body type with a shy personality. It is just a goofy thing I do to cover being nervous while I stand there half naked in front of pretty girls. Even though I have multiple crushes going on in my mind I would never try anything with the female guards at work or my boss. The issue is more about an awkward incident and how it was handled. We were standing poolside in a half circle facing our supervisor in our swimsuits ready for a weekly training. Just before she started talking one of the female lifeguards was describing some tatoo she had seen to another female lifeguard and she took me by the arm and pulled me toward them and said she needed to “borrow” my arm and she traced some design on my shoulder and upper arm with her fingernail. Right after this our meeting started. I already had the hots for her and her touching my arm like that gave me an instant and insane boner right there in front of everyone. Normally I wear compression shorts underneath my swimsuit to avoid this very issue and keep myself from tenting. The swim shorts are loose enough to hide even serious bulges as long as I am wearing the compression shorts underneath. I did not have my compression shorts on that day though and my swim shorts were tenting outrageously. People were starting to laugh and stare and the more I realized the girls were noticing the more intense it got. I started looking around behind me for something to hold in front of me to hide my problem and my supervisor yelled at me to pay attention and asked what I was looking for. A girl glanced down to make my boss look down and said “I think he is looking for cover.” For some reason my supervisor got mad at me like I was a pervert and causing trouble and told me to “leave now” and go “take care of it” and that everyone would “be waiting” until I “fixed” my “problem.” Everyone laughed of course. I said, “Are you serious?” And she yelled “Now Jacob!” It echoed so loud. I was humiliated. I left and went to a private bathroom in our break area and masturbated as fast as I could and got myself back to normal. When I came out of the bathroom most of my fellow guards were standing around the bathroom door staring at me as I came out grinning at me like they caught me doing something. One girl asked if I “enjoyed myself.” The girl who traced on my arm said it was a “very cute boner” and she was flattered (which was nice but awkward). We went back to training and the cold water kept things from being a problem the rest of the day.The problem is that now people are constantly making jokes about me having a boner and handing me things when I stand up in case I “need cover.” The girl who drew on my arm winks and waves every single time someone makes a joke about me getting boners (which tends to cause one all over again). Apparently I blush really easy which just encourages the comments. I smile and try to act all cool and don’t complain, but it makes me feel like a weird pervy horndog or some teenage boy they just like to tease and don’t take seriously anymore.It is not my fault I got an erection. Not wearing compression shorts that day was my fault. I get that. I should have known better. I also need to calm down I guess when a girl just touches me innocently and is not doing anything sexual. I can't explain why I reacted that way. To be honest, it does not take much.My issue is I feel like being told in front of everyone to go masturbate and make everyone wait until I was done was not right. I just needed to find something to hold in front me until we were in the water. Instead of being discreet my boss made it the total focus of everyone’s attention. She is still acting mad at me like I am a troublemaker. I feel like she should have handled it better. I am sure women go through a lot worse in the workplace and it is not like people are trying force me to have sex or rape me or molest me, but I feel like it is kind of harassment in a way. Maybe I should just man up, keep quiet, and not say anything to her and just hope she stops being mad at me. Maybe she is embarrassed and does not know what to say. I don’t feel like I can talk to my mom about this or anyone at work. My school friends would totally laugh at the situation. Is it just an awkward sucky experience I need to get over? I am not even sure what I would say if I do talk to my supervisor. It would be awkward as hell. I still like her and I don’t want to cause her stress or make her not like me. Any advice?Thank you, Jacob.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2022): Dear HoneyPie and WiseOwl:Thank you for your good advice to me. It made me feel better. You were both right. I did talk to my boss and she admitted she over-reacted. I admitted it was my fault not being prepared and I promised to wear compression shorts under my swimsuit from now on. She promised not to fire me for being a "normal boy." She asked if I wanted to complain about the girl who touched my arm and I said no. I really was not mad at her at all. I was just embarrassed how I got called out in front of everyone when I lost control of myself and could not hide it. I explained though how some of the jokes about boners were making me feel like I was a joke and nobody respected me anymore. So my supervisor called a meeting with me and all of my fellow guards. She made me stand beside her. I was very nervous and thinking this was a bad idea. But she told them the joking was over the top now because I was feeling weird and that my job was to wear compression shorts and I learned my lesson. She told me everyone respected me as a lifeguard and teammate. She did this thing where everyone took a turn and said what they liked about me. It was planned because some of them had notes they read from when it was their turn. It was one of the most amazing feel good moments of my life. I just stood there amazed at the positive feedback. Some of it was legit stuff about being a hard worker, a great swimmer, a team player, and popular with members. Some told stories of cool things I did on the job. Some of it was joking like I am the "hottest" guy lifeguard (which is easy cause I am the only one now). One girl asked permission to give me a hug because she could tell I was feeling overwhelmed but in a positive way standing there having everyone talk about me. I got hugs from everyone. I am on record for accepting hugs and I get them a lot now. Another girl said they trashed all the lifeguard shirts so I would have to work shirtless. I believed it for 10 seconds, but that was a joke because we never had any lifeguard shirts. I totally blushed on her saying that though. It was just a nice ego trip for me cause they are college age and not serious about me that way but it felt good anyway. They all took selfies with me like I was a celebrity and made me do the goofy bicep pose and pretended to be impressed. I know they were just pumping me up but it totally worked. I feel like I fit in again so I am happy. Did I mention I love my job?Sincerely, Jacob
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2022): Hi, Jacob! I'm a guy, and I've been in such an embarrassing situation, and I can say quite a few times. At your age, and older! It's a guy-thing! That's not an excuse to allow yourself to be visible around people.
It happens to most guys sooner or later; especially, at your age. The thing about your situation is that you're around mostly girls; and it is a sort of circumstance of reversed-roles. The ratio of females to one male gives them a psychological-advantage by numbers. They are teasing you because of your age; but there is a point when teasing does become harassment. It's harassment when it continues and becomes relentless. When it starts to have a psychological or emotional-affect on you.
Being a guy, you have to always be aware that in a situation where you are around a lot of females, and you are prone to spontaneous erections; your compression shorts should always be in your locker. How can you forget, when you have a penis? That's your reminder! Well, it is what it is! This was an unfortunate incident; but your boss is as embarrassed as you are. She's very young too, and maybe she didn't know how to properly handle that kind of incident. Doing what she did was uncalled for! Her making your feel bad about yourself was (and is) unnecessary; and it is bordering on ignorant, as well as unprofessional. It's over, and it's time for everyone to take a chill-pill.
You need to have a private conversation with your boss. She may be inexperienced, but she isn't so stupid that she doesn't know this is a natural occurrence. However, you are not dismissed on the account of the fact you are around females; and it's offensive for them to see us publicly in a state of sexual-arousal under those circumstances. You should apologize to your supervisor, but remind her that you couldn't help it at the time.
She also knows that she has to protect the other females; and giving you a little discipline, reminds you to be ever mindful that you are on your job. As a male, you must learn to conduct yourself properly in the presence of females. You will be around children and female-patrons; and they could file complaints for that very reason.
Please don't feel ashamed, take some of the teasing until they get tired of doing it; but in your discussion with your supervisor you should inform her that you feel the teasing is going too far, and you feel you should report it to somebody. If your supervisor doesn't get it under control; than, Jacob, that is what you should do. Report it. It's embarrassing to disclose the details and circumstances; but there is a point when everyone should put things to rest, and everyone focuses on the job. You are entitled to a pleasant and tolerable work-environment. Your supervisor isn't just your supervisor, she supervises the entire group; and focusing on you, or singling you out because you are a male, is a form of discrimination.
I think just letting her know you were sorry, and it won't happen again will be all she needs to know. Ask her to stop the teasing, because it's starting to bother you. If it doesn't stop it, then go to your Human Resources Dept. to let them know that you had an "embarrassing incident;" and people are making you feel uncomfortable on the job. Let them know that you took it to your supervisor first, but it wouldn't stop. You have been a good sport, and you have tried to remedy the situation; now it's time to get back to business as usual.
Good luck, my young friend!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 April 2022):
 Jacob, talk to your supervisor alone. Let her know how embarrassing it was already.
While it IS a "natural body function" and they handled it in a joking manner (instead of with disgust or disdain) THEY were not the butt of the joke or the one to stand out.
Stick to that compression underwear for whenever you are at work.
They tease you because you react. I used to (probably still do) blush VERY easily and when people found out it would become a game for some to try and get me to constantly blush. I had no control over it and it was annoying as hell.
Is it sexual harassment? Well, it kind of feels like it to me. Can you imagine if this was about a girl's hard nipps? Everyone would be up in arms over it.
You didn't do anything wrong. Tell your coworkers to cut it out and talk to your boss.
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