A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am a British woman. In June 2019 I met a man during a very short trip to Hungary, a place I really love and was, at the time, thinking about moving to. I was interested in talking to the locals and the man (let's call him Janos, although he won't see this I'm sure) was extremely cool. I liked him a lot. In fact, we liked each other and after meeting up for a second time, we had sex.I had very little time to spend with him afterwards and like most fairly sudden sexual interactions it felt awkward so we parted in the morning. But I did have his email address. Altogether he was a bit of a malcontent, and he told me he really wanted to leave Hungary to live in the US.Since then we have emailed. Not regularly. The longest I have gone with not hearing from him was six months. He always apologises for this, to his credit, and while what he writes makes me laugh, I don't think it would be very satisfying in the long run to talk all the time when we can't see each other. He has confided in me about difficult aspects of his life but not in any meaningful way.I was first going to visit him in the autumn of 2019 but it didn't work out as he was out of the country -- and since then other trips were not exactly possible because the pandemic happened. It felt as though a chance to live in Hungary that I was really keen to take - at least for a while, if I could - was cruelly taken away from me. Work also got more intense and that was part of why I never moved. Also, if Janos was still in the city it might have been a crushing disaster. Intermittently I have been learning Hungarian for fun and not getting very far at all.Recent talk about him coming to the UK and staying with me in 2022 have fallen through twice because of excuses that may be genuine but I have no way of knowing.Another issue is that I met a very nice man in 2020 (in Britain!) and started a relationship. It was hard not to crave company at such a miserable time. I am still with him now. Janos knows about this, or knew about it last year, but had nothing to say about it. My boyfriend knows about Janos but we only talked about it once.I suppose my questions are: Am I fooling myself to think I will see him again? Am I being unfair to my boyfriend? Should I go to Hungary to see him? Does he deserve that? Should I give up on anything resembling a meaningful friendship or relationship with Janos?Any advice would be appreciated.
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male
reader, kenny +, writes (14 April 2022):
 I think that you have received good advice from the Aunts and uncles here, so all i can do is mirror the already given advice.
This was never going to go any further than a holiday romance, you gave him what he was looking for and that's when things started to go wrong, not because of the pandemic.
He had every chance to make an effort to see you, i think going off radar for 6 months is enough of a red flag for you to have finished this after that.
Yes i think you are fooling yourself if you think that you will see him again. And if you are holding out hope that you will then you should finish with your present partner as this is not fair on him.
Unfortunately i think you were his Shirley Valentine, he was after one thing, and was never interested in anything other than sex with you.
My advice would be to block/delete him on everything and get on with your life, put your energies in to your current boyfriend.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2022): I don't think there is much to say in follow-up to the other readers and Honeypie's responses. I will only add that after several failed-attempts, you should focus on what you have, and just forget about Janos. He sort of lost interest after the sex, which is kind of typical; but you did say he wants to move to the US, while you were considering moving to Hungary. You two don't seem to be on the same page about anything.
I don't think your Hungarian friend is seriously interested romantically. I also think you're being disrespectful to your current love-interest by longing for a guy who doesn't really seem to be that into you. His only reason of keeping in contact was probably out of obligation; so you wouldn't feel the sex was hit and run. I mean, you never really had a chance to get to know each-other; just a few contacts here and there. You are clinging to the fantasy appeal of the encounter.
Meeting someone under the circumstances you met the Hungarian is certainly fuel for romantic-fantasy; but I think it's time to let Janos become a faded-memory, and you should love the one you're with. Don't waste his time.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 April 2022):
 Wish Janosh a happy life and then cut contact and focus on the guy you are with now, It's not fair to EITHER guy for you to string them along while you "decide" what you want to do.
As far as Janosh, well, I think you were a |holiday romance" at best. You were a foreigner who was willing to jump into bed after only meeting twice and after that? Yeah, he was over it. Which is why he can go 6 months with no contact.
Moving to Hungary is hard too. I believe you have to have Hungarian ancestry to immigrate there now, I could be wrong, but it's something you need to research BEFORE making decisions. Just like, the job market, economy, etc.
One bird in the hand is better than two on the roof :)
Focus on your BF. Focus on reality.
Janosh is a fantasy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2022): I don't think Janos was ever particularly interested in you. You were free sex for him, no-strings-attached. I think the fact that he WOULDN'T see you again worked like an aphrodisiac for him. He goes without 6 months without writing to you and he doesn't seem to have a problem with you having a man in your life. Short of screaming from the rooftops that he isn't interested in you, what else can he say that'll convince you?
I think you just have an enormous crush on him and are living out a fantasy in your head. Even if you DO go to Hungary to see him, don't expect any miracles. Do you really think he's going to marry you and you'll have your happily ever after? As much as you want that, Janos isn't on the same page.
Also, what about your boyfriend who you've been fooling for 2 years? It's incredibly selfish of you don't you think? You were craving company so you got together with him but what about HIM? Does he know he's just being strung along as a substitute for Janos? Maybe Janos did just that with you! Food for thought maybe?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2022): The pandemic didn't kill it OP. It was already dead. The moment you slept with him SO FAST! After that, he was lukewarm. He got what he wanted. And life went on for him. But you got emotionally attached. And you still remain stuck on him when he does not feel the same way. That much is clear. You are writing a narrative to your story and it has nothing to do with reality. There is no relationship here. He did not contact you for SIX MONTHS! What does this tell you? I am not trying to be mean but when you sleep with a guy you barely knew when you were visiting a foreign country for such a short time, what do you expect? Marriage? It was just a fling. Not even that, it was a sexual encounter. Nothing more. He does not love you or even care much about you. Most guys will take sex if it is offered. Maybe some therapy will help you explore why you have sex so soon with men and then wonder why they don't want a relationship with you. Perhaps you felt that you needed to seal the deal because you were leaving? You went about it all wrong. And now you are seeing the repercussions. My suggestion is to forget this man. I am pretty sure that if you stop being in touch, he will too. And stay single for awhile. You do not want to be with your current boyfriend either. You are doing him a disservice by dragging him along and breaking his heart while you are trying to figure yourself out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2022): I can only tell you one thing - if he (Janosh) wanted to be with you he would have done something. It is as simple as that. He was weighing his options. He was not that crazy about you, that is obvious. And maybe the same could be said about your feelings about him. I think that the whole story - you and these two guys - is a story about convenience. You all do what is comfortable for you. From what you wrote, I don't see anything about attraction/infatuation/falling in love. Only projections, ideas about how something would be...And btw, I don't know how informed you are about Hungary, but even though it's a EU country, the situation there is politically and economically speaking, horrible. People are looking to run away. So, you should keep that in mind as well.Good luck!
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