A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is long, my apologies. Hello everyone. I'm almost 21 years old college student who has been alone mostly all of her life. I have never had a boyfriend or never been kissed. Yes, I am still a virgin. I am not an affectionate female. My space is mine, therefore I know companionship is not for me. I think sex (all things associated) is a disgusting and something I don't understand. I don't understand it. I understand it’s for procreation, but why do it for any other purposes? I don't like it and I'd like to stay a virgin for life, maybe even sacrificing marriage because I don't want to do it. I've been this way since I was little. I don't like other people getting close to me sometimes because I know that at some point in their lives, they have had sex and that disgusts me. I don't mean to be rude but I view them as dirty and unsanitary. Ex: Apart of the reason I won't let my mom touch me because I know she has done it before. I'm sure she does it with her boyfriend (not my business). Besides, my mom and I are not very close anyway. I do not know my biological “sperm donor”. I do not call him my dad, I severed ties with him a while ago. He is a small part as to why I don't trust men. Trusting people in general is hard for me. I’m not even close to my own family. I've heard everything about sex from "It’s an expression of physical love between two people", "When you meet the right person and fall in love, "You will change your mind and want to do it", "Its human instinct", "You're young and naive" and all that other bull. First off, I do not know romantic love and if so, why does it have to be physical? Second, I do not care to meet another person or share any level of romantic feelings. I do not like opening up and letting others in. That doesn't mean I am naive. I'm a very intelligent female who has been through enough (with family and people) to get caught in mess. I trust myself because nobody can take of me the way I can. I don't have time for the negatives associated with sex or relationships. As far as relationships go, I've even asked God, although I said in a joking manner, not to send me anyone. Now, I respect people who do not share my train of thought or lifestyle. What I have an issue with is how people pass judgment on me about my state of mind. I DO NOT go around preaching my opinions or go around telling other people sex is wrong. However, when the topic is brought up, I simply state what I think about it (if asked) and leave it alone. I’m called immature, a prude, still in child mentality, I'll grow old and bitter, something along those lines. Just because I think different doesn't mean I am or will become any of those things. I have a great personality. I am caring, comical, head strong and passionate about what I want. Maybe you can call it being a little selfish, but I highly doubt I'll be bitter. I'm sure I'm in the minority group with this but so what? I know I'm a female who has reproductive organs and feelings of such, but I have no desire to act on them. Why are others upset about my feelings and thoughts on these subjects? I'm not hurting anyone by making this decision. Why get upset about it or put me down for my judgments? The only way I'd consider having sex is if I got married. But, I'm not sure if I want to get married either. Seeing my parents awful marriage and divorce along with other people's misfortune with love ruined the image for me. I'd like children so I'm thinking about adopting in the future. I also want to experience pregnancy but I'm not sure how that will work out. I am not a religious person, I'm more spiritual. I do agree with people when they are married and have sex because I was taught that sex before marriage was wrong and I know God created sex as a gift for married couples to enjoy. Am I possessed so anything? Is it a sin to feel how I feel towards something God created? No, I am not a lesbian so please do not say "Maybe you are attracted to females, yada, yada, yada" because I'm not. I do find some males to be attractive, I'm not saying I'm turned off by all of the worldly things. I'm not sure if I capable of loving another person on that level because I've had to go through a lot of emotional issues by myself. No one was there for me when I needed it so I dislike asking someone for help or even letting other know how I am feeling emotionally. A few insecurities are physical. I'm tall, lanky and no curves. I can't help I am slender. I'm not sure if that contributes to my avoidance though. I'm not ugly facially, I've been told I'm pretty and those things. However,I rarely get approached and when i do, I turned them down because its too late to even go there. My shield and walls are stacked high and strong for a reason. Thanks for the answers everyone!Note: As far as being molested or raped, I wasn't. However, I was inappropriately touched at 14 in a very intimate spot (although I still had my undergarment on, it still felt like a violation). It was the first time and the last it happened. I did inform an adult when it happened.No, my mom doesn't know that part of the reason why I sometimes don't like physical contact is because of the reason I listed in the initial detail section above. She knows we aren't close and I'm not an affectionate person. I also don't mean to make anyone upset about what's in this question. But I need to express myself and ask a generalized question.
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divorce, immature, lesbian, never had a boyfriend, no desire, still a virgin Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2013): This really hits home for me. I lost my mom at a young age. Before she died we were religious and were always told that sex before marriage was wrong. I was molested sexually assaulted at a young age and never told anyone. I too did not like sex. In fact, I was always a tomboy and wanted to stay that way so I could turn guys off. My neighbor was my friend but he was like a brother to me. He tried to kiss me and I didn't like it. I had no guidance being eleven I was still playing with my dolls. But as I got into my teen years my body was developing and the older guys were noticing and my dad was very strict. I stayed in school, graduated and went to college briefly, and after being so sheltered I became rebellious and obsessed with having a boyfriend. I lost my virginity at 23. He taught me things that I wanted to be ashamed of. In fact, I said it to him a few times that he must think I am a slut. He tried to reassure me that he didn't think that way about me. Even now I still sometimes think the way you do. I would often think what is the big damn deal about sex?! I had problems being affectionate with people too. Especially females. I don't like people calling me lesbian cause I am not. You
are feeling things that are normal. If someone approached you or touched you inappropriately that was wrong and that
you should talk to a therapist about. My therapist is a
nice person and good listener. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Just take care of yourself and remember if you do get married make sure you have no doubts about it. Your partner should be patient, loving sensitive to your needs.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2013): At first I thought you sounded like you were possibly asexual, but the more I read the more I don't believe that is the case. As someone else said, I think you are definitely a victim of your environment and you are the way you are because of the things you have been through in your life.Anyway that is by the by. As for the judgement, no you shouldn't be judged for your beliefs but neither should you judge others for theirs. You say you don't, but if you re-read your post it oozes disgust for others and the way they choose to live their lives. I know that you probably don't mean to, but the fact you feel so strongly about it means other people are likely to pick up on it in the way you come across with them. While how you feel is not wrong, it is unusual and people probably don't know how to react when you tell them. I'd suggest maybe being a little less vocal with your feelings, I mean someone's sexual preferences are very private so there is no need to bring it up at all. In fact I'd advise anyone to keep any strong personal opinions, whether they be sexual, political, religious or whatever, strictly on a need to know basis since these types of things are controversial and often leave you open to judgement and differences of opinion.I'd also suggest that you seek counselling for some of your issues, as you do sound quite sad in parts of your post and it might help you overcome some of them. Not so much so you will want to have sex, but more so so you will have a happier life in general. All the best :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2013): Sweetie. This is just so complex .. Let me start by saying being diffirent isn't a bad thing, and if people can't except your views then that's up to them. As a RMN ( registered mental health nurse ) your post does concern me..You don't like being physical touched/close to peopleYou feel people who have had sex are disgusting and low.Read those to things to yourself then think this . The majority of adults have sex, that would mean 1 in every 3rd adult that you met ..your intiligent no buts of be's about that.. So here food food for thought ' you mum made you during sex' Does that make you the above to things .. Should people not want you lose or think your disgusting ? Seriously !!MY advice is going to your doctor and ask to be referred to a psychotherapist .. They will work with you to find the underlying issue if there is one . Or refer you for some cognitive therapy as certainly these thoughts are not normal ..Take care and god bless x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2013): I personally am not upset by your opinions at all. Maybe it's just me and the people I surround myself with. I have asexual friends who absolutely will not be touched by others, no hand shaking, nothing. I have aromantic friends who love physical contact but can't do the emotion thing or simply don't like it. Some of my friends are both. So to me you seem like a normal being. It's seems to me like people are being a little bit too judgmental about things that don't effect them, but I'm just a random queer chick, so what do I know?
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A
female
reader, kellyO  +, writes (25 July 2013):
 Hi,
I have to be honest with you and the truth is that you remind me of myself at 14. I was an introvert and didn't have anyone close to me not even my mom.You see i was close to my grand mom and after she died i became depressed and withdrawn. A drastic change started at 17 when i went off to college away from home i started making friends, lots. I hated the idea of sex and i believed in sex only after marriage but i had friends who understood and accepted me for who i was because I never judged them. I had my first boyfriend when i was in my early 20s and we were never physical. A lot has happened in my life to make me the person i have become including friendship, pain, love and i have no regrets.I love my life now and i think of the 14 year old girl who thought at that time she was happy and had dependent on herself but deep down i didn't enjoy being left out and i never fitted in anywhere.
I am not saying you need to change unlike me you can choose to continue in this lifestyle if it makes you happy but you have to be less critical/less open of expressing how you feel about others especially those having sex. is what they want and what makes them happy. You are not alone of wanting sex only after marriage if you believe in this hold on to it
Goodluck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2013): I think that you have been hurt so much that the close connection of trusting yourself with anyone is a virtual impossibility. I can understand that. I'm not going to tell you to change your mind about sex because you have inalienable rights to do just that. But you are being judgemental thinking that people are dirty due to having sex. We are all aware of the dangers of having unprotected sex. Not to have a connections with others for it is something that I honestly think you need to talk to a professional about. I'm not coming from a place of sexual connections, but Platonic connections. You are in a world of billions of people. You are going to have some form of Trust in order to survive. You are going to have to Trust your professors to give you the proper education. Trust your employers to give you what you worked for. There may be a time that you're going to need a helping hand. If you don't trust anyone, you are really going to be alone. At some point in your life, you're going to have to Trust and let someone in. No it's not easy by far. I've been hurt plenty of times, by it. What it taught me was to learn to weed those people out. It took experience and I wouldn't trade it for the world. If you don't Trust anybody, I think it's going to hinder you in the long run. You have the right and the choice to live you're life the way you see fit. No judgment here for as how or when you want to have sex. Not hurting me at all. I'm just focusing on the fact you're closing off people due to what you're parents did. Don't hinder yourself from what the world have to offer for their f**k ups. I wish you the Best on your journey.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2013): They laugh at me for being different. I laugh at them for being the same.I like that quote.As the previous poster has replied if you're happy then why bother? People will be people. An individual is intelligent while a group of them is not. The very same thing that makes humans humans is also the same thing that proves to be their downfall. I myself am as different as one can get and yes with difference comes ridicule. And it's funny how the two-leggers should assume "Oh, he/she must have had a traumatic childhood." As if! Anytime a unique individual is encountered the world stops and makes up an excuse as to how such a person came to be. You can never please the masses and why should you? As long as you are comfortable in your own skin everybody else can put a sock in it.I am asocial and non gendered. I wear whatever I want and do whatever I feel like doing. It has caused pain but only to those that that don't know how to mind their business. Meanwhile, I am as happy as a lark.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (25 July 2013):
 you say you don't really understad why peole pass judgment and how you don't pass judgment on them. however, you stated you don't let people close to you who you know have had sex because they disgust you and you view them as dirty and unsanitary. that is passing judgment.
that aside, most humans, by nature, are social creaures. we seek and require companionship. that doen't mean that everyone is wired the same way. who cares if you are or aren't interested in sex and marriage? i say that's your business. don't worry about what others say. live and let live.
do i think you are a product of your environment? yes. you have learned to take care and responsibility for yourslf and never been able to rely on others. in fact, you've learned never to trust others because they have betrayed you and violate you when you did. and in your adult years, you've learned to avoid connecions and attachmet all together. i feel pretty certain that you have an avoidant attachment style. but if you'e happy, who cares what anyone else says or thinks? just be who you are if it's truly how you prefer to live your life.
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