A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Right well let me just start with something about myself. I have cripplingly low confidence. Seriously, it is abnormally bad. I am so harsh on myself that it's crazy. I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and I am on antidepressants to try and help and on a waiting list for counselling. I broke up with my ex boyfriend because things did not feel right any more, I loved him more as a friend and had been put through a lot in this relationship. A lot of drama and two deep periods of depression. I have a new boyfriend now, I knew him before I broke up with my ex but I didn't cheat on him despite when we developed feelings for eachother. Things have been really great with us but now something is starting to worry me. I'm scared that my depression and anxiety is going to ruin things between us. I don't really understand what he sees in me (seriously, I am not looking for pity here, it's just how I feel.) so I begin to imagine signs that he is losing interest in me. I get paranoid, then I get upset, and then I say stupid things which I quickly regret. And sometimes these things cause problems when there wasn't one in the first place, I was just imagining it. I make him feel bad and although I always apologise very quickly and I have explained my problem to it, and despite how understanding he seems and how he seems very quick to forgive, I am scared it'll build up resentment. I'm scared I am such a difficult person that it'll end up decaying his feelings for me. Tonight for example I was talking to him online as he was on a short break from some revision for his course. He was gaming at the same time but to be fair he didn't know I'd be online at this time and had already started when I signed in. I told him I was feeling bad about how I'd been these last few days (especially bad, I was stressed for uni deadlines and I took it out on him a bit :( ), he told me not to worry and that it was long forgotten. But when he went back to his revision he said something like "May I be excused?" and it seems a bit...well, cold. I have no idea if this is just my paranoia or if my previous mistakes are beginning to make him cold.My question is, am I sabotaging my relationship? Does it sound like I am just being crazy and paranoid? Is it already starting to ruin things or do I have a chance to stop it spiralling downhill? And how can I control my stupid worrying mind? Help would be extremely appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2009): Do not feel bad...
I have cronic depression, something I have had under conrol for a few years now. I have never been in a real seriouse relationship, until recently. He does not know about my mental health because I am worried he will leave me.
Recently I have started experiencing the illness symptoms and I am not pleased with the results they had given me:
This morning I woke up and checked my IM, no message. Later I checked it and he was on, I text "Hey" to him.... no responce. I continue assuming he is outside smoking like he does sometimes,.... few minutes later, still no responce. Then finally I watch him sign out of yahoo. That made me feel like he is bored/tired of me and did not wish to talk at the moment. I stupidly sent him a text saying, "fine, I can take a hint." Meaning he will talk to me when he feels like it. I started to cry worried that he did not love me anymore that I am no longer what he is seeking for in a long term relationship. Then he text me back, "hmmmm... I can too." That just made it worst. I was in the process of texting him telling him that I feel like he is avoiding me, and then he calls. I suck up my tears and pethetic choked up voice to sound natural.
When I answer he pretty much asks me, so your ready to drop me at any moment? It felt like spikes shoving there way to my vocals. I tried to explain to him what I meant by the message... and now he is upset with me. I am terrified that he is debating to break up with me... all because of my stupidity of not telling him that I have a slightly paranoia chronicly mental illness. Just so that he would not leave me. I am now in a dark abyss where I do not wish to be.
So jusst talk with him, explain to him that you have a problem, and the only treatment is theropy and communication.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSusi: Thanks for the reply :) it's really good to see I'm not the only one like this and I am sorry you lost a guy you really liked. My past relationship wasn't bad or abusive but I was put through periods of time when I wasn't sure if I'd ever speak to my ex again, long story short hid parents hated me and wanted us to split up. I spoke to my boyfriend earlier about my worries in a non-accusing way, for the past three nights I've even been dreaming about him distancing himself from me so it was bad. He told me he loves me and that I have nothing to worry about and we both agreed that if one of us ever feels there is anything wrong with our relationship we'll talk about it before it becomes a big thing. He was pretty light hearted about it and it didn't take long to discuss. I hope things can be ok, I'm glad he's very forgiving. I'm flying out to visit him in just over two weeks and I hope this weekend together will reassure me too.Rhythmandblues2: Thanks for your reply too :). I am very sure looking back that he was joking. The weird thing is me and him have always had this strange sense of humour where we make fun of eachother. Neither of us get upset because we know it's completley a joke, he's even said something he loves about me is how he can joke with me like he does to his friends. I think tonight it was a problem of me being paranoid. As I said to Susi above, I've spoken to him and things are ok. He's never done anything to make me feel uneasy with him, he's also been really kind to me when I've been feeling upset in life. I had these feelings in my last relationship too. My depression and anxiety began when I was twelve and has been on and off for eight years, I started medication when I was about eighteen. It would be unfair for me to blame him for that. He's lovely, I am just scared I'll push his patience too far.
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A
female
reader, susi +, writes (27 January 2009):
hiyaI know that is hard to forget the past, problem i have also. I have had really bad and abusive relationships etc which have left me insecure and paranoid.I met a brilliant new bloke and really liked him. Thing is i was still bit paranoid. We got on really well, thing is he started as fireman and started working shifts. At the end he said he was too busy to see me duno if been dumped!Thing is this lad is with you cos he likes you know its hard try to accept that and put past behind you if you can. Thing is sometimes if you act bit paranoid etc drives lads away or forces them to end things etc.I hope this helps, think ive lost lad i really like please dont do same.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2009): Not one of us is perfect and you are allowed to make mistakes. You also have the right to stand up for yourself, have standards of behavior for your boyfriend and it is your job in the relationship to communicate those to your boyfriend....after a discussion, his saying may I be excused, could have been his way of joking with you, but you know best, you were there.
I think you may be too hard on yourself...sometimes a boyfriend takes us for granted or hurts our feelings...you can't shut off all of your feelings to get along, that is called walking on egg shells.
I don't know how severe of depression symptoms or anxiety you have or if you are given to screaming and yelling and other behaviors, so I can't say how much you are contaminating your relationship, but if you aren't offering anything or contributing in any way, if you aren't helping him then you are contaminating it....but from the sounds of it you are trying to communicate, just be sure and figure out what your needs actually are and tell him how you need to be taken care of, be specific, and see if that doesn't improve your relationship.
You and your boyfriend have a third party, your relationship....if it is causing you worry and anxiety, it may not be all you.
I hope you are taking medication for your depression and anxiety and are possibly in therapy to help you navigate your life and make good choices, and you could always invite your boyfriend to join you....relationships do take work, but it takes two, not just you to make it work.
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