A
female
age
41-50,
*eede
writes:I got married four years ago through a beautiful church ceremony. a year later we got our first baby who is a boy and last year january had our second baby, a girl.My husband started fooling around with other women a year into the marriage and I begged him to stop but it kept going on until December last year when i walked out of our matrimonial home and moved back to my parents home with the kids.before taking that step, i asked him severally over the years of the marriage if there was something i was doing wrong or not doing so that i can rectify for his behaviour to stop but he said it was nothing to do with me.I always treated him right and with respect. We had good sex as am not the conventional type and i never even once had a headache on him. any time he wanted or i wanted we would have sex and good sex for that matter.on several ocassions i asked his family to talk to him to change but he kept promising changes that were not forthcoming. I dint know else to do and i was hurting real bad so i went to my parents home.As soon as i got home my parents called him to come we speak but he wouldnt answer. his family and friends also tried to reach him but instead he turned off his phone and took off with the woman he was cheating with.Two weeks after i left our matrimonial home he took the woman there and they have been staying there on and off. I have been thoroughly heartbroken. I feel his actions are not justified and he refuses to speak about the matter to anyone. he has avoided all his family and mine including his friends but the other woman.he does not support his children in any way and does not even call to speak to his son. I am in a total mess myself from the heartache. I am at pains to understand his actions and totally buffled that he would take another woman to our home and sleep in our bed even when we have not seperated and all my stuff and kids stuff is there.Now I feel so much contempt towards him and think that I want nothing to do with him. I have requested him that we talk to a counsellor or even a priest so that he may open up but he says prescriptive remedies cannot work. once he told me that it will only take revelation.I dont know what to do now and how to act. should i go for my things from our home? is it over. and the children? will he ever want to see them? How do i deal with the pain.
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female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (20 January 2010):
Welcome to the club. I have been there. I remember first hearing what my ex husband was doing and collapsing on the floor for over an hour not even sure if I was still alive. It was a painful time of crying, raging, sleeping all day. Then my good friend came to my house, and she told me what I'm going to share with you. While you are busy crying and waiting for him to come back for you, he is living his life. He is not even thinking about you. So when you have given yourself time to mourn, you need to pull yourself together and start getting on with your life. You have two innocent children who know nothing but are going to suffer emotionally and maybe even financially if you keep feeling sorry for yourself and waiting for this loser to come home. Start planning a life for you and your children, try get a job and just deal with the pain as it comes. It took me 3 wasted years to see that I should have listened to the advice I was given. Yes, when him and his whore grow tired of each other he will come back and plead forgiveness.... Until a new woman comes along to start new problems. Culturally I understand that it is difficult for you to just move on, but he is the one who left you. If you owned the house, then move back to your house and keep him out. If you were renting then collect your things. In time, as you start living your life, you will see that you made a good decision to leave. Imagine the risk of diseases he brings home each time? If you decide to forgive him then he needs to get an AIDS test as well as counseling. Let me add that a man cheating is not always your fault. In later years when my ex and I became friends, I asked him to tell me what I could have done. He told me that it was just simply greed. He said he couldn't fault me on anything, he just couldn't resist the women. So don't blame yourself. If he had a problem with you, he could have told you or his family or yours; but because you have been a good wife, he runs away because he has nothing to blame you for. A year from now, you will look back on this time stronger and hopefully happier. Since my divorce I have met a wonderful man who accepts me and my 3 children. So this is not the end of your life. Its an opportunity to seek a new happiness for yourself and your children.
A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (20 January 2010):
 Hun, I am so sorry for all the pain and humilation your cheating spouse has put you through.Sorry to say, but the only avenue available to you is divorce. Have papers served on him and wait for the response.To be totally honest, do you really want to stay married to a man who treats you like this, who has moved another woman into your home and your bed, who has been having affairs and putting your health at risk??He obviously doesnt love you at all so you now need to be strong, look after yourself and your heath, and use the support of your friends and family to get through this.Honeygirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2010): Im very sorry to hear you have endured such misery from your husband. Im not sure what prompted him to behave the way he does. But i think the fact that hes avoiding family members proves he feels ashamed of himself. For your childrens sake, you have to be strong and take a stand. Your husband should not be treating you this way and you have to show your children that their fathers behaviour is not acceptable to you or them. He has abandoned you and broken his vows, so collect your things from the house. Tell him unless he sees a minister or counsellor with you, then the marriage is over for you too. If he isnt interested in trying to mend the marriage then you need to start a divorce because staying married will only increase the hurt everytime hes unfaithful. Take comfort in your children and try to remember that this man is cruel and faithless and you are better off without someone like that in your life. Hugs x
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