A
female
age
41-50,
*oungmom3
writes:Is my marriage over? Please help!I have been married for ten years to my husband. The problem is, I feel so unloved and unhappy. He says very cruel things to me, and acts as though he doesn't care for me at all. I go to college full time, substitute teach part time, not to mention homeschool our three children and cook,clean,etc. He says he is so mean to me because I need to get off my lazy a** and get a full time job to help with bills. When I tell him I am unhappy, he says I can leave whenever I want, but the kids will want to come live with him eventually because he makes more money. I am so lost, unhappy, and lonely. I don't want my children to be upset by a divorce. I just don't know what to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2010): Women, please listen to me as a fellow women, divorce, and now remarried: I have been through it all! A man 18 years older then me stole my virginity at 16, then at 21 I sought him out b/c I thought that it was best to be virtuous and be with the person you lost your virginity to. I thought losing it was suppose to be special. I was soon to find out that nothing is special about it. This man used me to get me pregnant. He was a lawyer, and a good one too! He was very well connected as well. Anyway, as predicted by my father,(who consequently has a lot to say, but was NOT there for me when the shit hit the fan--he and my mother allowed me to go homeless in crack fested neighborhoods, etc., but ironically, my mother FULLY supports my two younger ADULT siblings--very spoiled; entitled, etc.--that's another story for another day and it is sickening)this man stole my child, my FULLY paid for home, my sanity, etc., and threw me on the streets.
Anyway, 20 years later, I am better for it. I went to law school to understand why this shit was kicked out of me during the divorce.
I want to say to all you ladies that it was MY LACK OF KNOWLEDGE, that got me kicked. It caused me to behave in erratic ways which lend him the helping hand. How are you to play chess when you have never learned and are going against a champion chess player. Hell, you can't even play against a child that knows the rules and you don't. Now, imagine how the game is going to go w/ the expert.
Anyway, if you can hold onto a few important principals that I am to outline, you will have almost all you need to know. Truthfully, you will.
Just remember that you will bullied, bullied and bullied. It's only b/c the "other" side wants you to give in. DO NOT DO IT!!!! UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!!! I made this mistake EVEN AFTER I was given the SAME advice!!! My lawyer threatened to drop me (an extremely common tactic) that is against the law!!!! DO NOT be COERCED to settle!!!!!! PERIOD!!! You always want to go to court!!! The JUDGE will be far more fairer than your husband's lawyer, and probably your lawyer for that matter. However, you only have to do this if you are not satisfied w/ ANY part of the settlement agreement. Got it!!!!
Now, here is how it works!!! If you are a women who is a house wife, you feel trapped, don't ya???? Well, don't!!! You actually have MORE power, ALL the power, believe it or not, you do!!!!
Okay, for one, most states have a family legal clinic that is for free. My state was one of the few that did NOT!! Anyway, you do NOT have to resort to that, but at least know it is there. Don't forget that if you make no income and approach an attorney first, you will NOT have to pay!!! Got it!!!???? The husband will be made to pay the expenses!!! Now, once we have the attorney, the basics are this: The standard in most states is that when a women who has not worked outside the home and is accustomed to a standard of living, well then Mr. Tighty pants is going to have to "maintain that standard" to you in the form of Alimony! If you have children, then you will also get a lot of child support for them. He will have to pay for school, and medical as well. Also, you will get (make sure you demand it) what is called "use and possession" of the family. Thus Mr. Tighty has to go!!! Ha ha, not you! Here's the funny thing, most states factor very little whether you are at fault or not. So even if you cheated, you still will get all these things. Think of the rationale behind why. The government does NOT want to "pick up the tab" for you. Come on, that would mean that they would be out their precious welfare benefits, thus in all reality, this is THE price A MAN pays for getting married in the first place. Trust me, my situation was NOT the norm!!! NOT at all!! Had I gone to court in my situation, the outcome could have been different. Basically, as long as you are not "mental" or "carrying on activities that are dangerous or a bad influence" on your children, then you will get at least joint custody, with you probably being the primary caretaker. What's important here is to NEVER let your husband have more than 50%,and yes, I mean 50% mathematically with the children. You want to have the children 4 times a week. If you do NOT do this during the months up leading up to settlement or trial, then he will more likely get primary custody, whether it is joint or not. So, make sure you are adamant about this! If you do not have children, and you are "mental" whether you are at "fault" or not, your husband is going to have to pay. Being "mental" is even better for you b/c then you will will be likely to get what is called "permanent" as opposed to "rehabilative" alimony, which is a temporary form. So, cheers to being crazy!!! However, you do NOT want to be crazy at all, at all, not at all, if you have children!!! You MUST maintain your cool!!! Trust me when I say this. You will have to do this to the extent that you think it to be UN-NATURAL!!!!! Yes, you should have the demeanor of a serial killer!! Yes, I wrote it right!!!! Yes, a SERIAL KILLER!!! LOL! Yes, I am laughing my ass off b/c as funny as it may sound it is as TRUE as BLUE is the sky. If you show ANY maternal emotional, ironically, this will hurt you!! Do NOT go crazy!! Think of yourself as a non feeling serial killer.
So, women, there it is in a nut shell. The one thing I want you women to take away from this, and if this helped change things for you, well, then, it was meant to be and I propogated kindness in it's finest form.
Here is: YOU ARE the ONE in POWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Trust me!! If you are 52 and w/o a job and want to leave your scary or uncaring husband, you can!!!!! The women has the power, and the lawyers know this!!!! Think of it this way if your not sure whether to trust what I say: Have you ever met a man stating that he took his wife to the cleaners?? NO...NO....NO....NO!!! It almost NEVER, NEVER happens when you are the "dependent" spouse. My situation is the ONLY situation I have ever encountered in my life that was the exception to this rule!!! Remember, u can go to a lawyer, and your husband will have to pay....eventually! YOu do NOT have to bring money with you. Also, you are more likely to get all the things that I listed above.
Word of caution: I am NOT a practing lawyer,and this is not to be substituted for professional advice. This is my personal opinion and it is based on my personal experience. Would I change my opinion if I were acting in a professional matter? Probably not, but still, this is NOT substitute for a professional lawyer that practices in your state.
A
female
reader, taxiho +, writes (22 September 2010):
 He is CHEATING on you!!!!!!!! I have no doubt, unequivally, that he is! If isn't now, he has. Trust me when I tell you this...it is true. Man or women, but especially men treat their wives differently after they have taken that first step, lit that first match. In their mind, they know what they have done, and they are angry with themselves for doing it. They have gotten to the point now where they no longer care.
Now, what you are going to have to do is ACTUALLY call his bluff! He may actually still love you, but b/c he has cheated he has nobody to blame but you for it. That is what he is doing. One way to tell that he has cheated is that he won't look at you in the eyes anymore.
Anyway, call his bluff. If you do decide to leave him, the kids will NOT leave you to live w/ him. You my lady, do NOT understand FAMILY LAW. Your husband would be required to give you alimony, and it is going to a A LOT of money!!! Trust me!! What you never, ever, ever, want to do is SETTLE out of court!!! NEVER!!! A Judge will give you a better deal then any settlement, especially if you think you are being "bullied" into a settlement. This is what you will get: Alimony that will "maintain the standard of living you NOW have!" You will get a hefty child support payment for EACH Child! Additionally, your husband will be required to pay each child's health insurance, and will be required to FUND your childrens ENTIRE home school education. On top of all that you will get "USE and POSSESSION" of the family home. His ass will be kicked out!!! Also, if you hire an attorney to fight for you, HE WILL HAVE TO PAY FOR THAT!!! Do NOT worry if you have NO MONEY! Divorce lawyers are accustomed to this. They will draw out the papers and will make sure that he has to pay for this.
Now each state varies on their divorce laws, but rest assure they don't differ that much w/ respect to what I have listed above.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2010): My husband called me nasty names, mean to me, he thinks all money are his but nothing to me I can't have nothing or can't buy anything what I want. All he care about money and himself. I don't have no place to live and no job. I am 52 years old. What can I do?
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A
female
reader, MusicBlue +, writes (7 September 2010):
I know exactly how you feel. I have been married to my husband for nearly 18 yrs. I can't do anything right! All the years I worked, came home & cooked dinner, did all the laundry & housework. According to him, he worked much harder than me! For the past 7+ yrs. I have been raising my 7 yr. old (nearly 8)granddaughter. He is nice as pie to her but treats me like a stepchild. Then last year we moved my elderly mother into our home. Even tho I still do all the cleaning, cooking, laundry & take care of a busy little girl & my mother, I am lazy! I sit around & eat bon bons all day! I am at the point of telling him to hit the road! I am so happy when he's at work, but the second he comes home, I rush to get dinner ready then disappear to another room to watch t.v. or read.
I think you should kick this man of yours to the curb & take your children with you. These kind of guys don't change! If your husband is like mine, he doesn't think he needs counseling. After all, I'm the one with problems, not him!! I do wish you the very best!
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A
female
reader, jennifersadeyes +, writes (16 August 2010):
It never gets any better-maybe worse.40 plus years of marriage and verbal abuse.I have catered and waited on him like a baby all our married life, and yet he blows up every week or so. My voice had too high a pitch,or I questioned some decision he made, or I gasped when he almost hit a car while driving, sometimes no clue what set him off. He is so nice to everyone else, has lots of friends. Told me he wasn't going to spent his retirement hanging around me.He likes only men friends,nobody knows what I go through. I have to handle all financial concerns (but I can't touch his money. He deposits, I handle bills. He hates kissing and touching, but is very loving toward grandchildren(and no he is not gay).His parents were the coldest people I have ever known. I recently,lovingly cared for him through a 6 month illness-his health is still fragile-had almost destroyed mine. I thought things would change but it's back to "same old".How can a person love someone who has made 40 years a pure misery??, I'm a Christian,and I have honored my vows (for better or worse)I still love that person I courted, not the one I'm married to. I realized how much I loved him when we thought he was going to die, or was I scared of being alone at my age. Too old to start over, and the pretty years gone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2010): I feel the same, but i dont want to ever leave him because when he is nice he is the best thing in the world, but when he is mean to me putting me down, especially my cooking i have cooked for him for years and all the sudden there is somthing wrong with everything and i hate cooking now because i know every meal for him is horrible for him but he is so hard to cook for his taste changes so often i dont know what he likes any more he belames me on everything idk what to do anymore i am so depressed ive thought of sucide but i have 2 daughters and i couldnt leave them with him and he told me if i left him id be dead before i got the kids
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2010):
Hi...I just came across your post ( I am not even sure if you will ready as you posted in 2007!)..but I just feel like I am in a similar situation as you have written.
I work every day full time in a difficult emotionally draining job. We have a difficult 3 year old and my husband is always telling me things like I am lazy, I do nothing..sometimes I feel so exhausted I can barely stand up!
I am starting to feel sad and unhappy (I already have depression, runs in family) so this is all making things worse.
Like you, I am unsure as I do not want my child to grow in a divorces family. Also, my hubby is from Europe so I think he would go back if it was not for ben here with bubba and I.
Sometimes he is wonderful, then other days he can be so mean to me. My moods are up and down depending on how he is...
Tell me, what did you end up doing?
Or did things get better?
Thanks,
R
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A
female
reader, laniece04 +, writes (15 March 2010):
I'm in the exact same boat you are!!!! I have three kids (4,2, and 6 months). I'm a stay at home mom. I dont have a job and I am currently going to school online. the only difference between me and you is I dont work and I am lazier than you and I dont clean up as much as I should.
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A
female
reader, Divanesse +, writes (16 December 2008):
First off I want to say thank you and I think you are a wonderful woman. You probably haven't heard those words in a long time. I suggest that you ask yourself if that is how you want your days to be repeated. Then, think about if you don't have the money to move now, graduate, find a decent paying job and leave his trifling ass. My mother has stayed in an abusive relationship. She is married to my abusive dad who abused us all. Physically and verbally. He is very mean. She is too old to leave him now and he still puts her down at 75. He's been mean to her since they met in 1962. I ask her why didn't she leave him when she was young? Please don't be that lady. Every woman deserves to be held and told their beautiful now and then. It don't seem like you will get that from him EVER! Wake Up! Sincerely, Eve.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2007): you poor woman! i cant even imagine how you must feel. if youre really feeling that bad about things, then talk with him. tell him that hes making you feel bad and if that doesnt work, go to marriage counseling, or if you can tell that this is going nowhere then boot his sorry ass all the way down to divorce court. or humiliate him by putting him on dr phil. or something. i really feel for you. and seriously consider the dr phil thing, because he makes everything better. =D
-elise, age 12
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2007): IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU HAVE KIDS OR IF YOUR 60 YRS OLD. I went back to school to become an MA ( medical assistant) becuse my husband can't earn a good living, I have struggled for the past 8 months working part time and going to school with 6-7 hrs a night homework well I made it and as soon as I am finished with my inter-ship this month I will be packing my bags and leaving. We are in the mist of loosing our house. We need to sell quick.
He is mean to me and to his 93 yr old mother. He calls us names. No matter how old you are never stay with person like that. This kind of relationship can make you physically and emotionally ill. Good luck to all of you who cant seem to make a dicision and Get OUT!!!
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A
female
reader, rachael123  +, writes (10 April 2007):
 2 days ago i left a situation very similar to yourself. my partner did not appreciate me, he put me down and called me names infront of our daughter. i had felt so down and unhappy for months and months. i had told him before i was leaving he would laugh at my face and told me just to go. so you know what i did! and you can to. you like me deserve so much better and you can get that. your children will always love you wether they live with you or your husband. as for upseting them with a messy divorce, do you not think you are doing that now by staying with such a controlling man? because you are. you and they will be so much happier if you go. please take it from me i know ive been there. dont get me wrong it isnt atol easy, and it will hurt so much, but just take one day at a time.i doesnt matter what you do with your time ( but by god you do so much you must be knackered!!!) he has no right to call you names. your kids will not go to him because he has more money and if they do they will soon come back beacause in there hearts they will know it is there mother who does everything for them. be strong get up when he is at work pack your stuff, get the kids and just go. dont look back. i garantee you in a few months time you will be a new women and eventually your children will love you for it. i hope this helps, rachael xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2007): Look at this logically. You know the amount you do and don't do so you know if you are lazy or not. You need to listen to yourself and be confident in your own opinion of yourself.
You say you do not want your children to go through a divorce. But you do want them to go through life hearing this man say horrid things to you and thinking this is the way men speak to women? Why not show them that you don't have to put up with things like this in life and give them the confidence to know their own self worth.
If you think things can be resolved then maybe counselling is the way forward but he has to be willing to give it a go too. If he isn't then there is no point.
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