A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband had an affair 3 yrs ago, it's been a very difficult recovery process for me since- I offered forgiveness and he lied and continued communication with her for 3 months after discovery-told many other lies and till this day hasn't given me the info I need to even process it- Anyway there's a couple questions I want answers to that really bother still daily- one is this- during the immediate weeks following his affair- he got a phone call and he walked outside so I followed and he lied said it was one of his stores anyway I did find out from him later that it was her husband asking him to leave her alone- He seems still to have anger toward this man and recently I ask him how he could not feel ashamed that he messed with this mans wife- ( back then her husband had found a receipt were my husband had paid to have her car fixed)- He had nerve enough to look at me 3 yrs later and say yea it pissed me off he called here drinking he should have been calling the others see was messing with that was areal threat to his marriage- I could not believe after 3 yrs he would have that attitude- I ask what would you liked for him to do and he said he could have said " we're back together now thanks for paying for her car and offer to pay for it- Now my question is- Does that sound like my husbands remorseful for what he did? And doesn't it sound like he still has feelings for her?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2015): I hope you filed for divorce? He hadn't come clean- he still has no remorse. Carries more emotion for being called by the woman's husband then by guilt for hurting you. Took him 3 months after being caught? No. None of this adds up. Especially not a true Christian leader. I'd divorce him. You are in a defiled arrangement. He has made perverse the idea of marriage. Leave now before his inability to give you closure eats you up. He wants it all. It has nothing to do with you. Some people are just bad seeds by choice. It's called free will. Run, God would understand and He wants you to live an honest life with someone who also shares your view of a healthy marriage. Life is too short to waste it by being a doormat. Run.
A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (14 October 2015):
 A pastor, an alcoholic, an adulterer - you certainly picked right one there (irony intended).
I think it would be right and proper for him to confess his sins before the congregation of his church. You might then want to consider giving him a chance; although I'm not sure I would if were I you.
If he is truly sorry then he should admit to god and the congregation how he came off the rails.
Church leaders are expected to be above reproach. It isn't right to pontificate on other's sins if you are just as guilty.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers I agree with you all I tried to save his reputation at first as it is out of character for him and it was a total shock- esp since he's a pastor of a church- also a recovering alcoholic whom I also found out was drinking again for some years unbeknownst to me- his whole personality has changed and he's given me very little reason to trust him since but downs me for being so angry- I don't want my marriage to end it sickens me- but enlighten of what he did I refuse to accept less than to be treated like a queen- Am I wrong yo feel this way?
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (13 October 2015):
 Hon,
He is not at all remorseful, he is just sorry he got caught.
Unless he is willing to open up all his passwords etc., to you and tell you everything you want to know, accept that you will want to discuss things over and over again until YOU HAVE COME TO TERMS WITH IT. You need to heal and he has to help you heal.
He is upset with the other woman's husband because he was found out - and no doubt she threw him under the bus, or else told some very generic story that they had agreed on so that it would seem innocent. I suspect the husband is not aware that they have been sleeping together. Oh and if your husband has said he never slept with her, well I find it very hard to believe that he would do all those things for her without expecting sex.
It is now your decision as to whether you want to stay or go, not his. He has broken his marriage vows to you. Marriage counselling WILL NOT WORK unless he is remorseful and willing to do work on himself so don't even waste money there.
Go to a doctor and get tested for HIV and STD's. Do not have sex with your husband until he has been tested as well, demand to see a copy of the test results. Since he has lied to you about having an affair, he will probably lie to you about being tested.
Go to a lawyer to find out what your options are if you are to divorce [even if you don't, its good to know where you stand financially]
Go into super sleuth mode and look for evidence of their affair, you have done nothing wrong, so you do not need to feel ashamed of his behaviour. He has brought it all on himself. If you find evidence that they are still in contact DO NOT TELL HIM YOU KNOW, DO NOT TELL HIM THAT YOU ARE GOING TO TELL HER HUSBAND [otherwise they will concoct a story and make you look like you are crazy!]
And to answer your question, YES your husband is probably still engaged in an affair with this woman, they have just taken it underground making it harder for you or her husband to find out.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (13 October 2015):
Your husband is an idiot. He was feeling his age. He had his head turned. He was suckered into paying someone else's car repair bill - and he got caught. Hah!
You are now in the driving seat. This can go any way you want. You always will have this over him, and how you use it is up to you.
If he gets 'ansty' then share the knowledge with a couple of your friends and let them throw a few brickbats his way.
If however he shows true remorse then you can decide if you want to keep him or not.
As Tom Petty wrote:' The future is wide open'.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't seem to be getting any answers so il clarify- Why would a man that cheated on his wife, but supposedly wants to work it out- why would he feel anger toward the woman's husband and have nerve enough 3 yrs later to tell his wife that the other man had no right calling him even though he was lying to me and continuing to see his wife and lie to me- that sounds to me like he really has no remorse or understanding for my how badly he hurt me
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