A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I’m think my husband could be having some sort of midlife crisis.He’s 45 and during our state's lockdown had become obsessed by fitness, and lifts weights and runs every day. At first, I thought it was a good thing, but now he’s become critical about my lack of exercise, my weight and what I eat, and I’m getting really irritated by it.I'm someone who just does as much as I need to for exercise, my exercise isn't going the gym, it's more mundane things like walks or DIY; am I right in thinking you don't need to go to the gym for every single bit of exercise, you can get it in other ways?He’s making me feel bad about myself and my choices. Another side-effect of this fitness drive is that he’s suddenly got tons of energy and wants to have sex all the time. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy sex, but not as frequently as he wants it at the moment.I don’t want to be negative about the positive changes that he’s made but, to be honest, it’s becoming a turn off, and especially his self-righteous attitude.He's become very smug, and insulting towards people who aren't into exercising or sport; insulted my cousin simply because she's not that sporty, even though she likes the esthetics of it. His smugness even extends to on social media and it's caused embarrassment in my social circles, people calling him out for it and flaming breaking out! Yes, pictures of his face looking smug and grinning about it, topless photos etc.A few months ago, a guy he used to live with when he was in his 20s died of a heart attack, which probably has something to do with his attempt to get fit, but I think he’s taking it too far.I can’t work out whether I’m being miserable or not, but I know I was happier before he started all of this.What also complicates things is he's vaxxed, but joined the anti-vaxxer movement too along with the fitness.I don't know what to do about the whole thing; fitness obsessed anti-vaxxer husband with midlife crisis?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2022): Yours is the typical experience of living with someone just becoming acquainted (or reacquainted) with going to the gym; and suddenly becoming health and fitness conscious.
My own friends have sent me on a enough guilt-trips that I've accumulated enough frequent-flyer miles to travel to the moon and back! I live a healthy life-style, and I do go to the gym. Yet, they can still find something I eat (or do) to criticize...or turn-up their boujee noses at! I've learned to take it with a grain of salt; because I know the clock is ticking! Time will make them get over themselves. Those muscles will start to get stiff! They'll reach that age when gravity wins! The stationary bikes become a coat rack, the expensive Peloton equipment accumulates dust in the storage room, and their gym memberships expire. Just riiiiiide it out!!!
It's the same with people who give up meat or sugar. They suddenly become health-gurus, and unbearably self-righteous! I mean outright obnoxious! They transform into nutrition-Nazis or over-night animal-rights activists. You'd be hard-pressed to believe they used to gorge themselves on plates of buffalo wings, nougat bars, and junk food! The "suddenly-turned" vegans won't touch an egg or fish; when they used to order the biggest steak the steakhouse had to offer, eat the greasiest burgers on the planet; or would scarf-down a bucket of fried chicken in record time! You wouldn't believe they're the same people! They've suddenly seen the light!
What about all those cows, chickens, pigs, and unborn baby chickens they've killed over they years??? Is that a leather belt they're wearing? Those $250 boots must be made of "pleather?" You're owed a refund, or a lot of change! Did they give that leather coat back to the cow shivering in the cold without a stitch on? How about those poor geese running around naked, so they could throw a pricey down comforter over their beds? I know some sheep who have a bone to pick with them!
You have to wait it out. They do reach a plateau. They will get on your very last nerve, preaching the gospel of health and nutrition; as if it's what they've been doing all their lives. In most cases, they've only recently got into working-out. They've learned the benefits of taking care of themselves; and it's good to appreciate the benefits of being active and eating right.
It's not new, you've only just gotten around to it!
You and I know that nobody is more self-righteous than a hypocrite!!! As if they've been doing it since the day they popped out of their mother's womb! You have to remind them sometimes of what they used to eat; and maybe remind them that the day will come when keeping it up will slowdown. Don't discourage him, and don't let your guilty-conscience villainize him either!!! You have an opposing-argument and opinion; but the crux of his advice is correct. He just has the most annoying way of driving his point. You want to grab him by the throat and...no ma'am, I do not advocate domestic violence. It's a figure of speech! I'm being facetious.
I've had people sitting at my dinner table at a dinner-party, picking things out of the food, while wrinkling their noses! Guess who is kicked off the guest list? My parties are fabulous! I cook nutritious food, I gave-up red meat long ago; but I still offer meat to my carnivorous friends and family members. I let them decide what they want to leave out of their diets. I gently urge those I notice getting paunchy to step-up their physical-activity for their health's sake; but you have to be persuasive, not be critical, or nag them. Shaming people reflects badly on them, not their victims!!! Who do they think they are?!! You choose whatever health-choices you can maintain or live with. Only your doctor has the credentials to tell you when you're making the wrong health-choices; everybody else is just offering their suggestions and opinions. Everybody's got one! You buy health insurance to pay doctors for your medical advice; and everybody else can go fly a kite!
Trust me, my dear, the novelty wears off. They get tired of being so picky, and lose a lot of friends. I'm sorry, but I can't empathize with your complaint about sex. If you've got a virile healthy-man who wants you more, why don't you trade places with the majority of our lady posters complaining that their husbands don't seem to want them anymore? I was with you, until you get-up to that point! Are you bragging or complaining?
Just fold your arms, look-up at the sky, pat a foot, and let him preach! If he irritates you about how little you workout, or what you eat; you can compromise. It never hurts to eat more nutritiously. A little extra exercise to increase your stamina and energy-levels in your 40's is heart-healthy; and the best way to stave-off (or control) diabetes, high blood-pressure, and heart disease. A nice-bod is a wonderful side-benefit; but vanity or shaming isn't a legitimate motivator. That's mostly about conceit and showing-off. Now I'm totally with you on that one.
Just remember this! As he starts looking more and more fit, and transforms into a hunk; you're going to start becoming insecure, because other women are going to take notice. Careful how you choose your battles, and what you dismiss for the sake of argument. He goes about it the wrong-way, but he has a point. Most of all this is bluff and bluster. He's full of himself at the moment. Everyone will tire of it, and set him straight. His head is too big for his ears right-now; so he's not hearing it.
He's a novice at fitness, they always get carried-away when they first start noticing the changes. However, maintaining the same amount of enthusiasm and discipline starts to slacken as those creaky joints and aching muscles are slowed-down by age. He's amped-up for now, all conceited and obnoxious; because he's filling his "Cheerios!" He has seen the light and had an epiphany only because he has suddenly realized his mortality because of the death of his friend. Bear with him, my dear! The peacock syndrome is a phase, and younger stronger-males tend to deflate the egos of cocky old roosters!
In this case, it is definitely a "phase."
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2022): Your husband has too big of an ego. Like so many men. Women, too, but I still think ego is much more important to men. Maybe it comes with higher levels of testosterone? WHO KNOWS!? I seriously am STILL trying to figure men out! LOL But it is more than just ego at play here...
Here is the thing. Maybe you might want to cut your husband a LITTLE slack? Because LOCKDOWN has changed so many people's psyche. You are not alone. You are in good company. Many people have separated during lockdown, started drinking, doing drugs, acting completely out of character etc. It is a crazy world out there and it has affected all of us in different ways, some more extreme than others. So at least be thankful he is into a healthy obsession. Lockdown has had an incredibly profound impact on relationships and our own self image. For better and worse. We have essentially been trapped. Trapped within ourselves, and trapped with others whom we became TOO close to, without any space to breathe or be ourselves. I think some of us have gone a little WONKY! So if you tell yourself this is not really your husband, this is the toll the lockdown has taken on his mental health, it might be easier to understand what is driving the behavior. He may be overcompensating now because his self confidence took a hit during lockdown. Maybe he is feeling insecure because he has been trapped and is scared of being boring or having no value? Or he has had a wake up call with his friend dying? I think it has more to do with lockdown than mid life crisis. I think he is a little young for mid life crisis to be honest. It is more to do with having too much time on his hands. And not enough going on in his life. So he fills the big empty gap with fitness.
I think he has had nothing else to do and it literally drove him STIRY CRAZY like most of us. So in an effort to stop feeling like he is wilting away and has no purpose or is losing his self esteem being trapped inside the house with no purpose, he started working out. A LOT! The endorphins help our mental health and help us feel better. We have something to do, a goal during lockdown. That is all good. But it seems it has gone to his head. Not because of his ego only. But also because he has TOO MUCH TIME to THINK and to think about the same things and it all just snowballs. It is not having enough to do or talk about so he focuses on this one area and it just becomes obsessive. Can you maybe do things together? Like run or do virtual classes? Are gyms opening up in your state yet? You can do a class together. How about discussing current events? How about cooking together? Trying new healthy dishes? I think it is great to be fit like he is. But he is obsessing because now he is in better shape. And critical because he is more confident, yet not as confident as he thinks if he has to put others down. Can you suggest he talks to an online therapist once a week? Everything is online these days. Although I am not sure how well that will go over with his ego.
I do believe this may be temporary. Try to focus on WHY he became this way. And if you can understand the WHY, you may be more patient and tolerant until it passes. Give it time. Hopefully when there is a sense of normalcy and your husband and you resume normal life, things will greatly improve. And perhaps you can try your best to avoid listening to him rant? I am sure that gets tiring and demoralizing. Perhaps you too are feeling the effects of lockdown OP and are extra sensitive to his insults? Did you ever take this into account? Your own state of mind and mental health? You, too are more weary and feeling stressed due to the impacts of lockdown too. You may be feeling a dip in self confidence and take his comments much more to heart? I suggest just keep working on yourself and build your own confidence apart from what he says or does. You will feel better about yourself and not take what he says to heart. You will tell yourself he is just a little wonky for awhile.
Something I just ordered on Etsy is a PAUSE bracelet. You wear it everyday and look at it to remind you when to pause and stop letting things get to you. I am hoping it will help me and maybe it can help you too. My problem during lockdown is I developed an online shopping addiction! That is NOT GOOD! So we ALL have something to make us feel better.
I suggest you sit your husband down and have a really good, honest talk about what you have mentioned in your post. Honesty and openness is always key to things improving. Sometimes others literally do not see past their own nose because they are so consumed in their own problems or state of mind that they do not see their own behavior or the impact they are having on those around them. And they NEED to be told. They need to understand and empathize. I hope that he is more empathetic of what this does to you. I think you both need to be more empathetic of EACH OTHER and work together as a team to understand that lockdown is affecting BOTH of you. And to try to be more patient, understanding and loving of each other during these tough circumstances. Instead of fall apart.
Hope this helps! Take care.
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A
female
reader, malvern  +, writes (3 April 2022):
 He sounds just like my ex husband at the the same sort of age. My second husband is a little bit the same as well ! I think it's a 'man thing'. It's the 'Look at me, I'm super fit and healthy, aren't I wonderful?' attitude. Very annoying to us wives. All you can do is grin and bear it and quietly get on with your own method of keeping fit. It's all very irritating but try not too get too worked up about it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 April 2022):
 Have you ever met a former smoker? 90% of the people I know who quit smoking would just not SHUT up about how bad smoking is, and how awesome they are for having quit, etc. And while I fully agree that smoking is a nasty and dumb habit to get into, NO ONE wants to hear the "preaching". Or those people who go Keto or vegan and won't shut up about it.
Now I am ALL for people getting healthy and happy. Having a hobby that makes them feel go. BUT there is ALWAYS that ONE moron (like your husband) who can't just be happy with his results and how it makes him feel, no he also has to put those around him down to attempt to lift himself up.
It makes him rude, obnoxious, and generally unpleasant to be around for EVERYONE else.
The thing is, YOU can't change him.
You can point out to him that you miss the old him. The guy that wasn't a dick to everyone.
As for the "anti-waxer" as people call those who CHOSE not to get a vaccine that isn't properly tested, that has nothing to do with how he is behaving. They aren't "making" him be an asshat, THAT is all HIM and HIS choice to act this way.
I don't think there is an easy fix here. Unfortunately.
But I would sit him down and tell him how unattractive his behavior is TO YOU.
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