A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Just two weeks ago, my husband of 16 years told me that he received oral sex from a woman he worked with at a Christmas party 8 years ago- in her car.This woman apparently only worked there for a period of a month or two before getting transferred to another dept. in another area. He says she wanted more and he told her no cause he felt so bad about what he'd done.He insists they just began talking at the party, and one thing led to another- and they ended up in her car.Honestly, I find it hard to believe that that's it. How many women just meet a guy at a party and take him to her car and do that. my god.??The reason for the confession is that I had told him that I've had this nagging instinctive feeling for a long time that he's been unfaithful to me. I asked him to come clean with me (not knowing what he'd say).And THAT was what I got.The reason I felt suspicious was because he has lied about things in the past and he had sex with another woman while we were engaged (which I forgave him for- because he was so sorry...)Since then, there's been occasional lies about stupid things, and I found a phone no. of a woman in our room and called it (after we were married only 2 years) and this woman said he asked for her phone no. and she didn't think he was married. Nothing came of it since I caught the number.That's the only other thing that I've "caught" him doing - until he told me about the party ordeal.We have two kids 10 and 14 yrs. old and he's a great dad. But, I don't think I can ever trust him. I'm too hurt. Yet I hate the thought of turning my house upside down.He's insisting he's sorry- feels terrible - will go to counseling- etc. etc. But, it's all too familiar. How do you decide when it's time to give up?
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female
reader, boo22  +, writes (3 December 2008):
 Hi there, it really depends on how much torment you can stomach worrying about this situation. I would go to councelling and see what happens. Do you believe thats the whole story cos i get the feeling you think he's lying by omission and its not his only indiscretion. I could be wrong though. Good luck x
A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (2 December 2008):
 Honestly if, after 16 years of marriage, your husband's worst indiscretion is a one-off blowjob 8 years ago then he is darn close to being a saint. If marriages were ended over this kind of thing then there would be very few people left married after 10 years.
IF you are otherwise happy, you would be crazy to leave you're marriage over this.
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A
female
reader, katatonik +, writes (2 December 2008):
 That's a call only you can make. I'll say this, though: it doesn't sound like he was really sorry about, or learned anything from, cheating on you during your engagement if here he is getting oral sex from strangers. He knew it was wrong while he was doing it.
On the other hand, it happened eight years ago. It is possible that he has changed since then if you have found no further slip-ups or evidence of his interest in other women. It sounds like the phone number incident was 14 years ago?
I don't think you should go straight to scrapping the relationship, but I do think you and he need to sit down and have a chat (possibly involve a counselor as well) about what is not working in your relationship to the extent that it drives him to seek and accept the attention of other women--because those are not the actions of a man who cares about his wife and family. Good luck.
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